(My wife and I do our weekly shop every Monday. My wife’s a primary school teacher and has a very calm nature. She’s also practiced judo since early childhood, runs a class at weekends, and has a self-defense class that uses non-excessive force. My wife has offered to get the ingredients for her school to make pancakes the next day, as it is the day before Shrove Tuesday (Pancake Day). Most ingredients are shared but we need 14 two-pint jugs of milk. My wife is at the pancake display. There are loads of ready made, ready mix, and separate ingredient on display. My wife is counting out the 14 jugs of milk, when another customer approaches.)

Customer: “Jesus, lady, leave some for the rest of us.”

Wife: *looking at the display* “I’m sure there’s enough for everyone.”

(My wife moves the trolley to try and leave.)

Customer: “Stuck-up b****.”

(My wife carries on moving as she has what she needs.)

Customer: *moving his trolley to block my wife* “Hey, don’t ignore me. I asked you a question.”

Wife: “No, you didn’t. You told me to leave some, even though there’s more than enough. Then you called me a stuck-up b****. Please move your trolley so I can get away from you.”

Customer: “How many you got in there? 14?” *he takes two milks out* “Now you only have 10.”

Wife: “Not only are you rude, you’re also an idiot. 14 minus 2 is 12.” *reaches out and gets two more milks* “Now there’s 14 again.”

(She moves her trolley quickly around the man. By now people are starting to stare. I make a move to go to her but she gives me a look so I stay where I am. The man takes a step towards her and puts his hand around her wrist.)

Customer: “You think you’re better than me, b****?!”

Wife: *very calmly* “Sir, I have tried to ignore your insults and politely asked you to move. You will not leave me alone. Now you have placed you hands on me in a threatening manner. This is considered assault. If you do not let go of me NOW I am within my rights to defend myself. Do you understand?”

(The customer just looks at her as if she’s spoken another language.)

Wife: “I have given you fair warning. I am obliged to warn you that I know judo. Please let go of me.”

(My wife tries to move her arm but he holds a little tighter.)

Customer: “You think you can hurt me, you b—”

(My wife uses the heel of her hand to strike the man in the face, causing his nose to bleed. She then flips him, where he lands with an almighty crash half on the floor and half on the display. While he is laying, screaming, she bends his index finger back (without breaking it) so he cannot get away. We hear heavy footsteps as security and staff comes running. People are just standing around, amazed.)

Security Guard: “What’s going on? Miss, you need to let go of him now, please.”

Wife: *very calmly* “This man was very rude and abusive to me. I asked him several times to leave me alone but he held my arm. I warned him I know judo, but he decided to hold on tighter. I then defended myself against a personal attack.

(The police were called and the man was taken away. My wife, I, and a few other customers were questioned by police as to what happened. As we all said the same thing, and my wife did not use excessive force, we were all told to go on our way. The supermarket donated the pancake ingredients to the school and my wife and I received £500 in vouchers. The customer has been banned from that store and the other major supermarkets in the area.)

(I work in a very touristy part of town and we have a lot of flight attendants who stop through the store. I see a guy and help him at the computer. This guy is close to 60.)

Me: “So you just click here and it should be good.”

Customer: “Oh, thank you. Say, where are you from?”

Me: “The Philippines.”

Customer: “Oh, my friend met his wife there. He basically waited outside of the college she was attending everyday and finally convinced him to go out with her. She eventually said yes. I’ve been there a few times since I’m a flight attendant. Beautiful women you know.”

Me: “That’s nice. I’m gonna go help out some other people. Ask me if you have other questions.”

(I loop around a couple more times around the store answering questions. He flags me down.)

Customer: “Marry me and you’ll fly for free.”

Me: “Ha ha. That’s the same line my friend’s dad used 30 years ago on his wife.”

Customer: “Well, it’s a good line.”

Me: “I think I’ll pass, but thank you anyway.”

(I loop around the store again, and start demonstrating a product features. I see him lingering in the back waiting for me to finish.)

Customer: “Thank you for helping me out tonight. You’re really sweet. Here’s my card.”

Me: “Uh. Thanks.”

(The card said, “You’re really charming and here’s my number. Let’s meet for drinks after work.” I never called, but he came back a few weeks later asking for help with his phone from my coworker. His phone background was a picture of some woman’s breasts. Gross.)

(The phone rings at about 4 am.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes. I need to place a reservation for Monday, checking out Wednesday.”

Me: “Absolutely. Let me check the rates for those nights.”

(We continue our conversation; he is booking a room normally enough until I ask for credit card information.)

Me: “Okay, you’re all set. I just need a credit card to hold the room.”

Caller: *sounding a little taken aback* “Oh, yes… of course… Let me get my card for you. Hold on.”

(This is followed by two minutes of muffled sounds.)

Caller: *clearly out of breath* “Okay, sorry, had to go upstairs. Hang on, let me grab it.”

Me: “Umm. Okay.”

(Another 45 seconds of muffled panting.)

Caller: “All right. Got it.” *gives me the number* “So… have you ever just, you know, needed a release?”

Me: *pretending to not hear the question* “I’m sorry.? What was that?”

Caller: “Okay. Thanks for all your help!” *hangs up*

(He never showed up or called to cancel and his credit card info was expired.)

(I am visiting my boyfriend while he is working temporarily at a gas station. Note: We look nothing alike. He has very dark features where as I am of Irish descent, and look it. An elderly gentleman walks in.)

Customer: “Would you look at those eyes!” *gets very close to my face and grabs my head* “Those are the greenest eyes I have ever seen! Like emeralds!”

Me: *very uncomfortable* “Um… thank you, sir.”

Customer: “You are just gorgeous!”

(He continues gushing about my eyes until he turns to my boyfriend.)

Customer: “And you have that dark thick hair! You two are a good match. You will make the most beautiful babies!”

Boyfriend: “Umm… okay. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

Customer: “I’m serious! GORGEOUS babies will come out of you two.”

(With both of us very uncomfortable, he finally stops and tells my boyfriend what he needs. Relieved, he gets him the items and we both hope he leaves soon. But, he continues to make conversation.)

Customer: “So. You two are brother and sister? That’s nice.”

(We were both speechless after that.)

(I work in a fairly busy dive shop that sells a large range of snorkeling equipment as well. A couple comes in. She is about 6’0” tall, in a short and incredibly tight turquoise dress that doesn’t flatter her figure at all, wearing a turquoise necklace and very heavy turquoise make up. He is about 5’5″, bald, and very shy.)

Woman: “Hi. I am looking for a snorkel set, but it HAS to be turquoise. It is my FAVOURITE colour!”

Me: “Of course, not a problem. If you just turn around you’ll see our snorkel sets on the wall.”

(I proceed to talk them through the different options, but she is very focused on the only turquoise one, which barely fits her.)

Woman: “Ooooh, [Man], do you think I look pretty in this?! Of course you do. Should I kiss you now or in the car?”

(At that, she throws herself at him, making them both fight for balance. His face gets deep red and he mumbles something incomprehensible, all the while she is basically licking his face. I decide to go back to the counter and give them some privacy.)

Woman: *coming up to the counter* “Hooo-hooo! We are taking this set! It is so beautiful and my sexy stud here is buying it for me. Isn’t he CUTE!?”

(I start ringing it up.)

Woman: “Oh, is that a Scorpio necklace? Are you a Scorpio?”

Me: “No, my boyfriend is. It is his necklace, but I like wearing it.”

Woman: *pointing at the man* “Ooh, he is a Scorpio, too!” *leaning towards me* “Does your boyfriend have the same… STING in his, ahem, TAIL, as he does?” *giggles*

(I am speechless, and the man looks like he wants to die.)

Woman: *nudging the man* “Don’t deny it. You are such a wild one between the sheets!”

(The man pays, grabs the set, sort of nods at me without making eye contact, and leaves.)

Woman: “Don’t worry. I am gonna be grateful tonight!”

(They leave.)

Coworker: *staring at me wide eyed* “What the…?”