(I work in a high-end stationery boutique, whose clientele is generally upper middle class and upper class white women in their 40s to 60s – the sort of people whose spending habits didn’t really change when the economy nose dived. This customer appeared to be no different, and the address on the check she paid with confirmed as much.)

Customer: “Where’s your clearance section?”

Me: “We actually don’t have clearance sales, outside of our semi-annual sales after Christmas and Father’s Day.”

Customer: “So everything in here is full-priced?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: *sighs loudly* “Fine, I’ll pay full-price. But I really need to be saving every penny, with that black man as president.”

(One of our national TV broadcasters has a chain of stores that sell DVDs and other merchandise for the shows on their channel. I am waiting in the store in line behind an older customer.)

Customer: “… but I don’t understand why your shop is full of this Doctor Who rubbish! It’s a waste of space! You should be selling products for good, wholesome educational shows, not this science-fiction crap! It doesn’t teach kids anything! I bet that stuff doesn’t even sell!”

Manager: “With all due respect, ma’am, Doctor Who is one of our network’s highest-rating and most popular dramas, and while it is primarily aimed at an older audience it meets the Australian Board of Classification’s definition of a family show. Furthermore, you don’t have to watch it or purchase the merchandise if you don’t agree with it.”

Customer: “It’s not the most popular show! Nobody even watches it! I bet the girl behind me has never even heard of it!”

(She turns to look at me and realises I’m wearing a TARDIS T-shirt holding several pieces of ‘Doctor Who’ merchandise. Behind me in line is a mother with her five- and eight-year-old sons, buying a ‘Doctor Who’ backpack for the older one. The customer realises her argument isn’t going to work and decides to start attacking the mother.)

Customer: “You shouldn’t let him watch that science-fiction crap! It doesn’t teach them anything!”

(Normally I would keep my mouth shut in this situation and let the manager handle it, but I was getting so fed up that I decided to speak up.)

Me: “Excuse me, but Doctor Who is an extremely deep and educational show with a large cult following, that teaches lessons that go far beyond the schoolyard.” *I begin to recite a speech given by a character on the show* “The Doctor taught me that you don’t just give up. You don’t just let things happen. You make a stand. You say no. You have the guts to do what’s right when everyone else just runs away.”

(Taken aback, the customer shut her mouth, quickly pays for her things, and leaves.)

Five-Year-Old Behind Me: “Mummy, I change my mind! I want to be like her when I grow up!”

(I work in the call center for a national fast food restaurant. We don’t accept ideas about new or modified products from guests, and we especially don’t pay for them. Any time a guest starts to give a suggestion, we have to read them a legal statement to that effect.)

Caller: “I wanted to tell you that I love your turkey burgers, but I really think you should start serving them on gluten-free—”

Me: *interrupting* “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I do have something I need to read you real quickly.”

(I then read the legal statement stating that we can’t accept her idea, and won’t pay for it.)

Caller: *long pause* “Well, I don’t know what that means, but it doesn’t sound very nice, so I’m going to hang up on you.”

(And she did!)

(I work in a flower delivery company call center, in customer service. We take orders and send them out to local floral shops all over the country. I’m working in ‘order modification.’)

Me: “Thank you for calling. This is [My Name] speaking. Can I start by getting your name?”

Customer: “My name? Why do you need that?”

Me: “I need to identify who is calling and how to address you, but that’s okay. Can I have your recipient’s name?”

Customer: “Recipipant? What’s a recipipant?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, the RECIPIENT is who is getting the flowers. May I have their name?”

Customer: “Well… I don’t know what a recipient is but the delivery getter’s name is [Recipient]. I need you to change my order. I need you to change my name to spell it the correct way.”

Me: “Ma’am, I was able to find your order by the recipient’s name. I can change your spelling of your name for you. Can you tell me the correct spelling?”

Customer: “No. I will not tell you. You have no right to ask me things this personal. You can fix it yourself. Goodbye.” *hangs up*

Supervisor: “I didn’t know you were so intrusive and psychic. How do you get all the crazies?”

(I am currently checking out a line of customers. I hand a lady her change which is roughly $0.94. She counts it then hands me back a nickel.)

Customer: “This is not a nickel. This is Canadian. I want an American nickel.

Me: “Ma’am, it is still worth five cents. Any store will accept it.”

Customer: “IT’S NOT AMERICAN!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, let me call my manager. She has to open my drawer for me so that I can exchange the nickel.”

(I call the manager and pray for her to hurry up.)

Customer: “IT’S NOT AMERICAN!”

(My manager is being very slow and thankfully the customer behind her pulls some change out of his pocket and hands her a nickel.)

Customer #2: “Here, ma’am. Take this.”

Customer #1: “Thank you.”

(Customer #1 begins to walk to the door but overhears me talking to Customer #2.)

Me: “Here, sir, would you like this Canadian nickel, it is still worth five cents.”

Customer #2: “Thank you.”

Customer #1: *standing half way out the door shouting at me* “IT IS NOT AMERICAN!”