(My mother is in her seventies, and she is shopping at a thrift store when she spots a beautiful bamboo bookcase.)

Clerk: “Hi. Do you need some help?”

Mom: “I am interested in the shelf, but I have to go home first and do some measuring.”

Clerk: “No problem; I’ll make sure it’s still here when you get back.”

(After getting home, measuring, and seeing it will fit, she calls me to ask if I can go with her to pick it up if it is still there. We get to the store, where she walks over to the bookshelf and shows me. About a second later, a customer walks up to us.)

Customer: “I’m actually buying this shelf… but how much would you be willing to give me not to buy this?”

(My mom and I look at each other in disbelief, and before I can even think of what to say to this idiot, the clerk from earlier immediately steps in:)

Clerk: “Sorry, sir. This lady was here earlier and was going to buy it, but she had to run home and take measurements first.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not fair. I was just ready to buy this!”

Clerk: “Sorry. She gets first pick.”

Mom: *looking at the customer with a big grin* “And I decided I’ll take it.”

Clerk: *with an even bigger grin* “Let me go ahead and ring you up, and you also get a senior discount!”

(We spent the next few minutes cashing out while the customer just stood there and stared at us the whole time, and then stood out in the parking lot and kept staring at us with a butt-hurt look while I loaded it on the car, pausing here and there to give him a big “f*** you” grin. Thank you, awesome clerk, for putting that a**hole in his place for trying to extort money from the elderly!)

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(I answer the phone.)

Customer: “I just bought Grand theft Auto V on Playstation 3. Does anyone there play it?”

Me: “I think a few of the guys have—”

Customer: “I need to speak to them, NOW!”

Me: “Unfortunately they’re all with customers at the moment. Could I possibly help?”

Customer: “Yeah, how the f*** do you beat the first mission?!”

Me: “Sir, I think that sort of question would be better suited to some sort of online gaming forum?”

Customer: “F*** YOU! I’M CALLING CONSUMER AFFAIRS!”

(I work in a very well known college’s credit union. I am working the front desk with one of my coworkers when a younger looking man walks in.)

Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering what this place is?”

Me: *confused* “This is the [College] credit union.”

Customer: “Oh, that explains why everyone coming out of here looks so depressed.”

(The customer left without another word leaving me and my coworker laughing and wondering what just happened.)

(I work in a store with four departments, each with their own checkout counter. A woman approaches my counter and asks to make a payment on a layby. I ask if there is anything else she needs. I have a funny feeling about her.)

Customer: “No, just this. I’ll be leaving now.”

(I watch her leave, then get to a point and turn into a tight aisle of fabric which is better accessed from the other side. I walk up to her.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: *eyes wide with shock* “I, umm, oh, I don’t know what it is… I haven’t touched it.” *quickly leaves*

(I look down to find a ladies wallet in the rolls of fabric. I take it to my counter and page for the owner a couple of times. I then get stuck serving customers for 10 minutes before I take it over to the office. I pass by the fabric counter as I do.)

Me: *to a coworker* “Is there anyone in the office? I have found a wallet.”

Coworker: “Where did you find that? We’ve been looking for it. I was serving a customer who put it on the counter, went to pay, and it was gone.”

Me: “Really?”

Coworker: “Yes, and the woman who was behind her in the line left suddenly as we noticed. We both asked where she was going and I stopped her to ask if she had seen the wallet. She told me no. Then I watched as she went around the back of your department and you served her. I just figured she had forgotten something.”

Me: “I had a funny feeling so followed her. She pretty much led me to where the wallet was hidden. *takes coworker to the spot*

Coworker: “This is right where I stopped her. She must have thrown it into the fabric, the b****!”

(We had no real proof but the woman was lucky that we didn’t report it as her layby contained her name and address. The other customer was so happy to have the wallet returned intact!)

(I am ringing up a couple customers. The first is visibly drunk, but has been pleasant throughout the transaction.)

Me: “That will be [total], sir.”

Customer: “What’s that mean?”

(He is pointing at our tip jar, which has a sign reading ‘Tipping: Bad for Cows, Good for Staff.’)

Me: “You mean cow tipping?”

(He stares at me, clearly very confused.)

Me: “It’s a stereotypical redneck activity where you go out into a field and push a cow over while she’s sleeping.”

Customer: “You… what? Why do you push the cows?”

Me: “… because it’s funny?”

(I spend another five minutes trying to explain the concept. He really tries to wrap his head around it but he’s just too inebriated to manage it. Finally, he gives up and walks off with his food. The second customer, who has witnessed all of this, steps up to the register. He’s laughing and gesturing to his flannel shirt and jeans.)

Customer #2: “Don’t worry, honey. I’m a farm boy and I know what cow tipping is.”

Me: “Oh, thank goodness.”