(I work in a layaway service that has the option to cancel your layaway anytime you want.)

Customer: “Hi, I just need to do a couple things today. I want to make a regular payment on one and pay the other one off.”

Me: “Okay, I just need to see your ID. Do you want to do the payment first?”

Customer: “I want to cancel one and take both out.”

Me: *thinking I misheard* “Oh, sorry. I thought you wanted to make a payment and pay one off.”

Customer: “No. I’m not making a payment, but I’m taking both out.”

Me: “…I’m sorry? So you don’t want to cancel?”

Customer: “No, I do want to cancel one! I want them both right now though!”

Me: “So, you want me to take the one layaway out so you can buy it up front?”

Customer: “No, what? I want my things, but I want my refund, too.”

Me: “… Ma’am, if I’m hearing you right, I can’t give you your items if you don’t pay for it. You need to pay it off first.”

Customer: “No one would have to know though, right? Just put it through as a refund and give me my stuff and my money. You’re going to be taking it out anyway. It’s easy.”

Me: “… I can’t do that. That would be stealing.”

Customer: “But I picked out the stuff myself! Whatever. I’ll come back later when someone actually WANTS to help me. You get confused too easy!”

(She then walked off. Turned out she did try to come back and ask for a ‘refund,’ but was quickly taken care of by security when she began to throw a fit over ‘poor service!’)

(I work in the wine department of a small grocery store. We will sometimes get customers with very little wine knowledge.)

Customer: *holding up a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, a red wine* “Is this a white wine?”

Me: “That’s a red wine, ma’am.”

Customer: “So, it’s a white wine?”

Me: “No, that is a red wine.”

Customer: “So, it’s a white wine?”

Me: “No, ma’am, all Cabernet Sauvignon wines are RED wines.”

(Customer turned and headed to our registers, with the bottle of Cabernet. I hope she did not need a white wine.)

This story is part of the third Wine roundup!

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(I’ve just finished shopping at a big box retailer in my city. I am heading to my car when I see a middle aged woman wandering around the parking lot pushing a huge cartload of items and looking very dazed and confused. Concerned for her, I make eye contact to get her attention.)

Me: “Ma’am, are you all right?”

Customer: “Oh, yes, I just can’t find my car. I’ve been looking for 20 minutes now! I always park right over here. It should be here!”

(The woman, while shouting some of her phrases, still manages to keep her voice monotone and remains looking very dazed and confused the entire time we speak.)

Me: “Have you tried the alarm?”

Customer: “Oh, no. It’s a 20 year old car. There’s no alarm. I just always park over here. It should be here.”

Me: “Well, what does it look like? Maybe I can spot it.”

Customer: “It’s a white Buick LeSabre. It should be right here. I always park over here.”

(I glance to the car parked right beside mine. It is a white Buick LeSabre.)

Me: “Um, ma’am, is this your car?”

Customer: “No, no. That’s not my car! I would never have so many bobble heads on the dash! My car should be right around here. I always park here.”

Me: “Okay, what rows have you looked on? Maybe you parked a little further over than normal?”

Customer: “No, I always park right around here. My car should be here. I don’t understand where it’s gone.”

(After a few more minutes of me trying to help the woman and her always responding with “No, it should be right around here. I always park here,” I’ve given up. Just as I am about to take my leave, an employee out collecting carts comes over.)

Me: “Good luck finding your car, ma’am.”

Customer: “Thank you. I know it should be here. I always park here.”

(As I leave, I see the employee begin talking with the woman. 30 minutes later, I have to return to the store as I have forgotten something. I park nearby the same spot and notice the woman, her cartload of groceries, the employee, and now a manager are all standing by the Buick LeSabre I was parked next to before.)

Manager: “Why don’t you just give that one a try, ma’am?”

Customer: “No, that’s not my car. I don’t have that many bobble heads. It just has to be around here though. I always park here.”

Manager: “Please, just try it. It’s the only one in the parking lot. Just put your key in and see if it unlocks.”

Customer: “Fine, but it’s not my car. I don’t have that many bobble heads on the dash.”

(The customer puts her key in and, sure enough, the door unlocks.)

Customer: “But I don’t have that many bobble heads on the dash!”

Manager: “Ah, there, we’ve found your car. Have a nice day!”

(The manager motioned to the employee and the two of them practically ran away from the woman before she could say anything else to them. I couldn’t help but laugh as I watched the woman put her groceries into the car and mumble about the bobble heads.)

Me: “Yes, the iPads are on sale right now, and you get a $40 gift card with them as well.”

Customer: “What do I do with that?”

Me: “Um, you buy things with it.”

Customer: “Oh, ya?”

(I have been working at the store for a few months. I haven’t had the funds for a haircut, thus my hair is fairly long. I also am sporting a full beard. A couple and their young son come to my register and I ring them up.)

Me: “That’ll be [total].”

Child: *who has been staring at me* “Um… excuse me…”

Me: “Yes?”

Child: “Are you Thor?”

Me: *trying not to crack* “Yes, son, I am. I’m actually on an undercover mission from my father, Odin, hunting for Loki. He may be in disguise. Let me know if you see him, all right?”

Child: “YES, I WILL! WOW! WAIT UNTIL I TELL EVERYONE AT SCHOOL I MET THOR!”

(It was the highlight of that job. I kept the Thor voice the whole time and his parents gave me the most grateful smiles!)