(This takes place over the phone.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m considering buying a [Very High End Brand] crystal chandelier from you guys. I was wondering… is there a way to tell by looking at it what the brand is? Like, is there a signature etched into the crystal, or something written on the metal part?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry; I haven’t seen anything like that.”

Customer: “But if I spend all this money on the best crystal, how are my guests supposed to tell? I’d want everyone to know!”

Me: “Well, each chandelier comes with a certificate of authenticity you could display, or a [Brand] tag you could hang on it if you wanted.”

Customer: *sarcastically* “Oh, that wouldn’t be pretentious at all now, would it?” *hangs up*

(I’m at a local fair selling my arts and crafts. One of the things I do is make pins on the spot for people, and I have a sample of each pin design on display on a board. They’re very popular with kids as they’re only $2 each, so there are a few kids at the table. Most are pretty young, but this one was about 10.)

Older Kid: “Can I have a pin of [design]?”

Me: “Sure! $2 please!”

Older Kid: *puts a $5 bill on the table*

Me: “Okay, just one second. Let me just make it for you!”

(I make the pin, and then hand it to the kid and pick up the $5.)

Me: “Here you go, kiddo! Let me just get you your change!”

Older Kid: “Thanks!” *he looks at the board, then suddenly grabs a display pin and RUNS from the table*

Husband: *sitting next to me* “… Did he just steal a pin?”

Me: *holds up the $5 bill* “Looks more like he tipped us!”

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Charge Nurse: “Hello.”

Caller: “Is Mr [Name] one of your patients?”

Charge Nurse: “Yes. Why?”

Caller: “He’s in the gynaecology ward. Please retrieve him.”

Charge Nurse: “How did he get there? He needs one assist just to walk around his bed!”

Caller: “Well, either the dementia made him forget he couldn’t walk or he’s just been alone for too long in life.”

Charge Nurse: “Pardon me? I’m sure he’s just in his bed in his room”

Caller: “Look, just come and get him. He took the elevator up four floors, found the gynae ward, walked into a room with a cervical smear in progress, and asked if he could be of assistance.”

Charge Nurse: “…”

Waitress: “What would you like to drink?”

Me: “I’ll have a rum and Coke.”

Friend: “I’ll have Guinness.”

Waitress: “May I see some ID?”

(My friend and I look at each other in shock. I am just shy of turning 50 and my friend is in his mid-50s, and we both have classic male pattern baldness. There isn’t a chance on earth either of us could be confused with being minors.)

Me: “Are you serious?”

Waitress: *looking a bit embarrassed* “It’s policy.”

(Generally, policy is to card people who look 30 or under. We don’t even look close to that. My friend is from England where carding is basically non-existent.)

Friend: “Young lady, I have never once been carded in my entire life. Congratulations, you are the very first.”

(I am working the front desk, and the phone rings. It is about 2:45 in the afternoon.)

Caller: “Hi. I was wondering if [Stylist] has any appointments today.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t have a stylist by that name here, but I could make you an appointment with someone else. The earliest we can fit you in is 3:15.”

Caller: “Great, I’ll take it.”

(I make the appointment. 3:15 comes, and the girl does not show up. At 3:30 I give her a call back.)

Me: “Hi, [Caller]. Are you still planning to come in?”

Caller: “Yeah, 3:15 right?”

Me: “Yes, but it’s 3:35 now.”

Caller: “No, it’s only 12:35.”

Me: “This is [Salon] in Raleigh, North Carolina.”

Caller: “Oh… I’m in Idaho.”