My Therapist, Brian

, , , , , | Right | August 4, 2020

I am working with a hypnotherapist to stop grinding my teeth. He is a crass-humoured, grey-bearded man about twice my age. He is Jewish and knows I am a Christian, and every so often, we have the following conversation, if you can call it that:

Therapist: “I am one of God’s chosen people.”

He then seems to expect me to be fazed by the statement. I am not. I mean, even if there was any theological disagreement, that’s not something to get fazed by. Eventually, however, he comes out with something a little different.

Therapist: “I am the Chosen One.”

Me: “You’re not the Messiah; you’re a very naughty boy!”

1 Thumbs
317

Not Afraid To Express Yourself At The Express Checkout

, , , , , | Right | August 4, 2020

I’m a cashier at a huge grocery store during a weekend shopping rush. I work at the fifteen-or-less lane, and the line is already quite long when a woman in her fifties gets in the line with a cart full of groceries. I remind her about the policy on the express lane — all we can do — and this ensues.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is fifteen items or less.”

Customer #1: “I’m not waiting in those f****** lines. I’m in a hurry. Just do your f****** job.”

Customer #2: “So are all of the rest of us. That is why we just stopped by to pick up the absolutely necessary stuff and came to the express line.”

Customer #1: “Just mind your own business.”

[Customer #1] starts piling up her groceries to the belt when I hear a loud whistle. It’s [Customer #2]. Everyone stops what they’re doing and starts looking for where the noise came from. [Customer #2] starts to talk with a loud voice to everyone in the store.

Customer #2: “I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, could I please have a second of your time? I’m conducting a poll about a little situation we have here at the express lane. We have this woman here—” *pointing at her* “—who is refusing to leave the express lane even though she has a cart full of groceries and the cashier has asked her politely, and she is cursing at her. I would like to take a poll if people think she’s an entitled a**hole or not. If you think she is right and absolutely entitled to use the express lane, make some noise!”

Crickets.

Customer #2: “Aaand! If you think that she is an entitled b**** who should drag her cart to a normal line, make some noise now!”

People started clapping and making noise. The first customer, now beet red in the face, shouted, “F*** you!” and stormed out of the store. I had to call someone to put her things away, but that was definitely worth it!

1 Thumbs
823

His Ex Did A Number On Him

, , , | Right | August 4, 2020

I work as an adviser in the technology department. Smart TVs with cameras are the new big thing, and I have been answering some questions for two older gentleman customers for about an hour and a half. The conversation is going great, we are having a joke and a laugh, and I have demonstrated the use of the camera for motion control. Right as I’m closing the sale with a quick roundup of all the information regarding price and delivery:

Customer: *Turns to his friend* “This will be great. I can’t wait to get this home and set up. Maybe now I will finally catch those witches that have been living in my garden on camera.”

I thinking this is probably a joke between friends and is probably referencing a group of kids that maybe hang around his house, so I decide to keep quiet and carry on printing out his payment confirmation.

Friend: “I know, [Customer]! They have been terrorizing you for years; it will be good to get some proof so we can get rid of them.”

The customer turns to me, completely straight-faced.

Customer: “You know, I have witches living at the bottom of my garden. No word of a lie. They come out at night and dance round a giant fire in my back garden, and then by morning the fire has gone out and they are nowhere to be seen. You believe me, don’t you? You must believe me.”

Me: “That is very strange, Mr. [Customer]. I hope you do get them.”

I hand him the receipt and delivery information.

Customer: “I’ve seen these witches, I have. Seen them with my own eyes. I have never caught them on camera because they know. They know and I am being punished. Take this as a warning from an old man. Don’t ever get caught up in this. Witches are evil menaces. Be careful always.”

The customer then turned and left, leaving me gobsmacked, wondering if what just happened was real! Not my worst customer I have ever served, but definitely the strangest interaction!

1 Thumbs
245

Only Side They’re Getting Is A Sideways Glance

, , , , , | Right | August 4, 2020

I witness this interaction as I’m in line to order from a fast food restaurant at a local theme park. A customer pushes his way to the counter, bypassing the line.

Customer: “Excuse me, I just need a side tray.”

Worker: “A side tray?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need a side tray. Can I get one?”

The worker offers him a large plastic tray, the type you’d put a whole order on. 

Customer: “No! I need a side tray. A siiiiide traaaaaaay.”

The worker offers him a disposable plate with a questioning look on her face.

Customer: “A. Side. Tray. I need a side tray.”

Worker: “I’m not sure what that is, sir.”

The worker looks around her workspace and offers him a clam-shell takeout box.

Customer: “No, I need a side tray! Jeez, how many different words do I need to use to get you to understand what I want?!”

He grabbed the takeout box and stormed off, still muttering to his friend about the “side tray.” By the confusion on the faces of all of the other customers in line, I’m guessing he should have used more than just two words to describe this mysterious thing he wanted!

1 Thumbs
299

23 Crazy Stories About Water, And People Who So Stupid Their Brain Must Be Dehydrated

| Right | August 4, 2020

Dear readers,

Dihydrogen monoxide, that amazing stuff that keeps us all alive. We can survive two-weeks without food (or in the case of this editor, only two hours), but none of us can last more than three days without water. This leaves us very confused when considering the following stories, showcasing people who are so easily confused about what water is – or isn’t – that we’re left wondering how they’re still alive.

Please grab a refreshing cup of cold water, and enjoy the following 23 stories from our archives about people who are a bit H2-Slower than the average.

 

H2-Slow, Part 9 – This is what happens when people don’t understand what water actually does…

H2-Woah – We get it, movie theaters are expensive, but that dihydrogen doesn’t monoxide itself! (Oh wait – it actually does.)

H2Slow – Juice trumps water!

(more…)