(I am at the first appointment with my new family practitioner when he asks me one of those awkward questions that you don’t expect and don’t have any idea how to answer… except you don’t want to outright lie to your doctor. So, I say the first thing that pops into my head…)

Doctor: “Have you been sexually active within the last six months?”

Me: “Uh… not with anyone else?”

(I am working at a big box retail store that has circulars in the Sunday papers. I don’t work at the customer service desk, but, just happen to be there when the phone rings.)

Me: “[Location], [Store Name].”

Caller: “Yes, I was calling about the vacuum cleaner on the front page of your circular. Is it really 40% off?”

Me: “Let me get that in front of me.”

(I find a circular and see that the 40% off is for the clearance apparel shown just above the picture of the vacuum cleaner.)

Me: “No Ma’am, that 40% off is for clearance apparel.”

Caller: “So, that doesn’t include the vacuum cleaner?”

(As a manager walks by the desk, I say…)

Me: “No, Ma’am, vacuum cleaners are not apparel.”

(My manager stops, gives me a strange look, laughs, shakes his head, and, walks away.)

(Two boys who are not obviously over 18 come to the bar. By the time I reach them one of them already has his passport out.)

Me: “Hi there! What can I get for you?”

Boy #1: “Can I get a Carling and a Dark Fruits?”

Me: “Sure, can I just see that ID?”

(Boy #1 hands me his ID and is barely over 18.)

Me: “Awesome, thanks!” *to Boy #2* “Can I see yours as well?”

Boy #2: “I don’t have it…”

Boy #1: “He’s my brother! We have the same birthday!”

Me: “Okay…”

Boy #1: “Honestly, we’re twins!”

(I look from the tall, red-haired boy to the much shorter, brown-haired boy, who doesn’t look related to him in the slightest.)

Me: “Yeah… I’m still going to need to see some ID, please.”

Boy #2: *dejectedly* “It’s the hair, isn’t it?”

(At our equipment rental store we also do repairs on lawn equipment. Each spring, we get slammed when people can’t get their mowers started for that first cut. It’s strictly first come, first served, and customers are told what the approximate wait will be and that we’ll call them when the job is done. I am working in the back area where rental items are returned and fix mowers were kept when a well-dressed man in a very expensive car drove up.)

Customer: “I’m here to pick up my mower!”

Me: “Sure, what name was it under?”

Customer: “It’s [Name], and I can see my mower right there.”

Me: “Sure, just let me get the work order on that.”

(I go to the ‘Done’ folder but there’s no work order. I double check the name and number on the tag on the mower, but still can’t find it.)

Me: “Did you get a call saying the mower was done?”

Customer: “No, but you’ve had long enough. I’m a doctor and my time is very important!”

(I check in the shop and find the work order in the mechanic’s “Done” pile, but he hasn’t had time to complete it with parts, prices etc. I return to the customer.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but it looks like the mechanic has just done the work, but hasn’t totaled the charges on the work order yet. I’m afraid he’s on his lunch break. If you could come back later this afternoon, I’ll make sure he has that ready for you.”

(The customer goes into a tirade about how valuable his time is, and fully expects just to be able to drop in and pick up his mower at his convenience even though he hasn’t been called that it’s ready. With dread I go to the lunchroom, where the mechanic is relaxing after already putting in six hours to keep up with the rush.)

Me: “[Mechanic], there’s a guy to pick up his mower. It’s done, but the work order isn’t completed. He ‘insists.'”

Mechanic: *with a sinister look* “Send him to the counter; I’ll write it up.”

(I overhear the customer giving the mechanic a piece of his mind as the work order is written up, then load the mower into the customer’s car. Afterwards I go to apologize for interrupting the mechanic’s much-needed break.)

Mechanic: “Don’t worry about it. The carb’ on his mower was shot, so I took one off one of the dead machines and rebuilt it. I was going to give it to him for free, but since he was such an a**hole I charged him $50 for it. The guy was actually happy that I had ‘saved’ him money.”

(I drive a public bus for a company that covers a large geographic area and several different modes of transportation. Because of that, we have multiple zones costing different fares depending on how far you are traveling, with the lowest adult fare being $2.75.)

Passenger: “How much is it?”

Me: “Where are you going to today?”

Passenger: *confused* “…There and back?”

Me: “…$2.75 sir.”