Customer: “I’m checking to see if you have [environmentalist book].”

Me: “Hmmm… no, sorry, not at the moment.”

Customer: “Okay, then how about [other environmentalist book]?”

Me: “Yes, we do have that one!”

Customer: “Great! I’m an AP environmental studies teacher.”

Me: “Awesome!”

(I ring up the purchase. The credit card machine is acting sluggish, so to kill time I ask her this question though I’m sure the answer will be no.)

Me: “Need a bag for that?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “…”

(For a special holiday event hosted by a local organization our fast food restaurant gives them coupons for small ice cream cones to give to children as prizes. We are open the same day and the event lasts all day long. Our poor old ice cream machine quickly overheats and starts gushing liquid ice cream all over the floor.)

Customer #1: *screaming so loud i can hear her through my coworkers headset* “What do you mean we can’t get ice cream? Why do you think we came here in the first place?!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the ice cream machine is currently down and—”

Customer #1: “Of course it is! You know what? F*** YOU!”

(The customer drives off, pissed. Just like most of our other customers for that day.)

Me: “You look frazzled. Give me the headset for a while.”

Coworker: “Oh, God, thank you!”

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Customer #2: “Yeah, we got these coupons for free ice cream cones. Can we get that?”

Me: “I’d love to make those for you! …except our ice cream machine exploded earlier today.”

Customer #2: “Oh, My God! Is everyone okay?”

Me: “Yes, no one was hurt but it did make quite a mess. Someone’s coming out to look at it tomorrow but it probably won’t be fixed until Monday.”

Customer #2: “Okay, we’ll just hold onto our coupons then. Let’s just get [order].”

Me: “Yes, sir, your total is [total] at the first window.” *turning to my coworker* “I think I just accidentally discovered something…”

(Every time someone asked for ice cream for the rest of the day, we told them the ice cream machine exploded and suddenly no one was screaming at us anymore because we were unable to make cones. Word choice is important!)

(I work the floor at my store, tidying and stocking, so some variation of this event happens to me pretty much every day.)

Customer #1: “Excuse me, I have a question.”

Me: “Sure, how can I hel—”

Customer #2: “HEY, I HAVE A QUESTION!”

Me: “Uh, one second, I’m with this gue—”

Customer #2: “WHERE IS THE GREEN PAPER?!”

Me: *giving them a stern look for interrupting, but eye-agreeing with the other customer that I’ll answer this question so the rude person goes away* “It’s right there on aisle 103.”

Customer #2: “104?”

Me: “103. Right there. You can see the green paper just down the aisle there.”

Customer #2: “104? 104?”

Me: “103.”

Customer #2: “Okay, 104.”

Me: “No, 103. Right. There. 104 does not have paper.”

Customer #2: “Oh, okay, 104. Thanks.” *walks off*

Customer #1: “Well… that was… interesting. You have a lot of patience. Good job. I almost snapped just watching. Anyway, I was going to ask you wha—”

Customer #2: *coming off aisle 104* “YOU TOLD ME WRONG! IT’S NOT ON 104. GET AN EDUCATION! YOU’RE AN IDIOT!” *storms off*

Customer #1: “…I’m so sorry.”

(I work for a large ISP taking calls for the whole country. This happens right before one of the big winter storms of the year hits. A customer calls in to verify their appointment.)

Customer: “Yes, I have an appointment for tomorrow and with the snow coming I wanted to know when it would be canceled.”

Me: “Of course, ma’am. Let me pull things up and make sure your appointment is still scheduled for tomorrow. I see no reason why it wouldn’t be since we haven’t received any notices about the storm canceling appointments. ”

(I pull up and verify her account. The appointment is there for the next morning as it should be.)

Me: “Ma’am, your appointment is still scheduled so we do plan to be out there in the morning to install your services.”

Customer: “How will they let me know when it is cancelled?”

(This strikes me as odd because she doesn’t “if” but “when.” She seems very adamant that the appointment will be canceled.)

Me: “If the storm gets bad enough, we will call you. It rarely happens, though, and as I said before we’ve received no notifications that it will.”

Customer: “I have to be in to work tomorrow so I need to know when it will be canceled!”

Me: “It will only be canceled if the storm gets bad enough.”

Customer: “Yes! And when will that be?”

Me: *flabbergasted* “I don’t know, ma’am. Whenever the storm gets bad enough.”

Customer: “Well, you’re no help!” *hangs up*

(First time I’ve ever heard of someone expecting a psychic weather man for the customer service rep!)

(I work for an ISP that also provides e-mail. The phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Provider]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I just got a new computer, and I can’t remember the password to log into my e-mail.”

Me: “I can certainly help you out with that. Give me one moment to bring up your account.”

(I verify some information with her and bring up her info, including her e-mail password. Because of what it is though, I’m having trouble figuring out how to give it to her.)

Me: “Okay… So, I have your password up now. So I just want to be clear that what I’m about to tell you is really what I’m seeing on my screen.”

Customer: “All right.”

Me: “Okay, well, the password is ‘f*** you.'”

(I hear some typing in the background.)

Customer: “Great! That was it! Thank you so much!” *click*