The Marketing Reality Distortion Field

, , , | Right | January 15, 2008

Me: “…so if you cancel your other company’s long-distance plan which costs you $10/month, and take ours that’s $8/month, you’ll save $2/month.”

Customer: “Look I called up to save money, and you’re gonna increase my bill?”

Me: “Well, yes, but overall you’ll save…”

Customer: “Look I’ve studied marketing, and you’re not doing this right.”

Me: “Look… I study math.”

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Fonts Gone Wild

, , | Right | January 15, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]; how may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I need a new computer.”

Me: “I’m sorry? You need a new computer?”

Customer: “Yeah, I just bought this one and it’s no good; it’s been hacked!”

Me: “This is software support. We can’t replace your hardware, but if you describe the problems you’re having, I can try to help you fix them.”

Customer: *irritated and sighing* “Some f****** hacker broke into my computer and put dirty words everywhere! Now I can’t even let my kids use the computer for their homework because of the obscene language that randomly pops up on the screen!”

Me: “Sounds like a virus. Do you have an anti-virus installed?”

Customer: “I have [Anti-Virus Software] and I already tried that TEN TIMES! It didn’t even find anything! Everything on this computer is just worthless and I’m sick of–”

Me: “Okay, sir, please calm down so I can help you. Can you tell me where you are seeing dirty words?”

Customer: “In [Messenger Program] and WordPad. Every time I open one of them it says, ‘A**HOLE,’ on the screen!”

Me: “Where?”

Customer: “I don’t know, why does that matter?”

Me: “I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with your machine, sir. Can you please open WordPad or [Messenger Program] and tell me where you see that word?”

Customer: *grumbling* “I’m opening instant messenger… there it is! It’s not ‘a**hole,’ though; it’s ‘anal’. Same thing! How do I get rid of this?!”

Me: “Where does it say, ‘anal’?”

Customer: “When I click on my friend’s name and the box pops up, it says, ‘anal,’ right above where you type!”

Me: “Are you sure it says ‘anal’ and not ‘arial’?

Customer: “What the hell is ‘arial’?”

Me: “It’s a font sir; it’s spelled A-R-I-A-L.”

(The customer went silent for about fifteen seconds and then hung up the phone.)


This story is part of our Swearing Customers roundup!

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Repeat After Me: Names Are Your Friends

, , | Right | January 14, 2008

Customer: “Can I get a vegetarian burrito with chicken?”

Me: “You mean, a chicken burrito?”

Customer: “Well, what’s in that?”

Me: “Chicken.”


This story is part of our Vegetarian roundup!

Read the next Vegetarian roundup themed story.

Read the Vegetarian roundup!

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Barking Up The Wrong Tree

, , | Right | January 14, 2008

Me: “Good afternoon, AV Services, how can I help you?”

Very Angry Caller: “Yeah, I just flew in on Flight [Number] from Cleveland, and you lost my luggage.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have the wrong number. This is the [University].”

Very Angry Caller: “No it’s not! You’re just saying that!”

Me: “No, really, sir. Our phone number is very close to the airport’s number.”

Very Angry Caller: “LISTEN! YOU LOST MY D*** LUGGAGE! YOU NEED TO FIND IT!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t have your luggage.”

Very Angry Caller: “STOP F****** LYING! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have your luggage either. We could probably get you a DVD player or a slide projector.”

(Very Angry Caller starts cussing randomly. I hang up.)

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Bridezilla On Line 1

, , , , | Right | January 14, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Eye Doctor], how can I help you?”

Lady: “Hello, I want to check on the status of my glasses.”

Me: “Okay, what is your full name?”

Lady: “[First Name] Johnson.”

Me: “Okay. Hold, please.”

(I check the computer for Lori Johnson and it doesn’t come up. I then check alternative spellings things like Laurie, Lory, Lauri, etc. All to no avail.)

Me: “I’m sorry Miss, would you mind giving me your date of birth?”

Lady: “12-21-1969.”

(I do a search for that date of birth and one name comes up. [First Name] Smith.)

Me: “Would you by chance be listed under any other name?”

Lady: “NO!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll try searching by address.”

(She gives me her address and sure enough, it matches [First Name] Smith.)

Me: “I seem to have you listed in our computer as ‘[First Name] Smith’.”

Lady: “That’s not me.”

Me: “Well the date of birth matches, as does the address. Would you like me to search by social security number?”

Lady: “That’s not my name. I got married and my last name is Johnson now!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, your insurance still has you listed as Smith so that’s how we got mixed up. You’ll probably want to call them.”

Lady: “That’s no excuse.”

Me: “I’m sorry. But there was no way for us to know you got married.”

Lady: “It was in the newspaper!”

Me: “Okaaaaaay.”

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