(The PIN pads at my company automatically ask people if they’d like to make a donation to an organization, which changes monthly. Right now, it’s the American Cancer Society. To reiterate: the customer has to push a button correlating to either an amount or “Thanks, Not Today!” They are in no way required to talk to me about their choice.)

Customer: “Why in the world would anybody donate to the American Cancer Society?! Isn’t everybody just going to die of cancer anyway?”

Me: “Sadly, there is still a large percentage of people who do die from cancer—”

Customer: “Then what the h*** is the point?! It’s not like they’re going to cure anything!”

Me: “All of the children whose leukemia has been in remission for nine or more years appreciate your candor.”

(Customer huffed and stormed off.)

(A customer walks into to the shop where I work. He is talking to himself and starts laughing randomly. This conversation happens after he has paid for his purchase.)

Customer: “By the way can you tell me which flag this is?” *shows me his coin purse*

Me: “That is the English flag.”

Customer: “The English flag looks like this?”

Me: “Yes, that’s the English flag; it’s different from the British flag.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. And are the English with us or against us?”

Me: “I think they’re with us; they were the last time I checked.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks so much. Bye!”

Me: *to my coworker* “I wonder what he would have done if I had said they were against us?”

(I’m at a really popular fast food restaurant that sells sandwiches as subs. I’m here to buy only a cookie as they sell really good cookies and the store is right next to my house. I have borrowed some money from my mother for the cookie and she has given me all the change she has because she didn’t want it!)

Me: “Hello!”

Cashier: “Good day, sir.”

Me: “I want a chocolate chip cookie.”

Cashier: “How many, sir?”

Me: “Just the one.”

Cashier: “That’ll be 80 rupees.” *approximately $0.80*

(I look around the shop to see if anyone’s looking, then proceed to drop 80 rupees worth of coins on to the counter. They make a little more noise than I thought and everyone stares at me.)

Cashier: *wide-eyed* “Seriously?”

Me: “Hey, if you feel bad, imagine what I’m going through. Everyone here is staring at me because my mom refused to give me proper money!”

(A customer has called in about his cable tv bill. Several discounts have expired on his previous statement so I have added some recurring discounts back on and begin to review with him:)

Me: “Okay, I’ve got those two $5 discounts renewed and also added another one for $5, and all of those are good for an entire year. I see that your billed amount was for $95 but you can go ahead and just send us the $80. The computer will know it’s received the correct amount.”

Customer: “I’m looking at my statement and it didn’t change.”

Me: “Oh, are you looking at your online statement? Press the F5 button to refresh the page and amount will change.”

Customer: “I don’t have a computer. My billing statement –” *I hear a flapping noise as a piece of paper is shaken towards the phone* “– DID NOT CHANGE.”

Me: “…You’re asking why the piece of paper you’re holding in your hand, a physical piece of paper that was mailed to you, didn’t change when I made adjustments to your account just now?”

Customer: “Yes! It still says $95!”

(I work at a pool where all the supervisors and managers are female. The only male employees teach swimming lessons or life guard. It’s a small pool, so there’s normally only two or three of us on duty. I was supervising a very quiet open swim with a male coworker. I’m 24 and he’s 16.)

Customer: “I need to speak to your manager.”

Me: “I am the manager, sir. How can I help you?”

Customer: “No, you’re not. I need to talk to the maaaaaanageeeeeeeer.”

Me: “I AM the manager. What do you need?”

Customer: “No, you can’t help me. I need the man out on deck right now.”

Me: “Sir, the guard on deck has been working here for less than two weeks. I’ve been here for over six years. What do you need?”

Customer: “Never mind. I’ll just ask him when he’s off.”

(I switch with my coworker a few minutes later. Not even a minute after, he comes out on deck to ask me to help the man who had been bothering me earlier.)

Me: “Are you willing to let me help you now?”

Customer: “YOU can’t help me. I want to speak to your boss.”

Me: *seeing where this is going* “My boss is also a woman. So is about 75% of this staff, which is fairly common in an aquatic environment. Now can I help you or not?”

Customer: “Fine. I need change for a dollar.”