Captain Obvious’ Revenge

, | Right | February 25, 2008

Customer: “How cold is the Extra-Cold Guinness?”

Me: “Colder than the regular Guinness.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll try it.”

(Customer takes a sip of his pint.)

Customer: “It just tastes like regular Guinness, but colder!”

Me: “…yup.”

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Calling Her Bluff

, , | Right | February 25, 2008

Customer: “Yeah, this movie didn’t play right. It keeps skipping. I want a different one.”

Me: “Okay, if you want to go grab another copy off the shelves I’ll get this checked in.”

(I scan the movie and it is three days late.)

Me: “Ma’am, this movie is three days late.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “So… I’ll have to charge you full price to rent another movie, and you’ll need to pay the late fee.”

Customer: “THE MOVIE DIDN’T WORK. I SHOULD GET ANOTHER ONE FREE!”

Me: “Well, it was a three-day rental, and you could have brought it in anytime in those three days and we would have been happy to exchange it free of charge. However since it’s late, I can’t do that.”

Customer: “THIS IS F****** BULL-S***! LET ME TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

Me: “I am the manager, ma’am.”

Customer: “F****** RIDICULOUS! THE MOVIE DIDN’T PLAY!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you had a full three days to bring it back.”

Customer: “I WAS F****** BUSY!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, that’s not my fault.”

Customer: “GIVE ME YOUR BOSS’ NUMBER! I’M GOING TO REPORT YOUR A**! [Boss’s Name] IS AN OLD FRIEND AND YOU’RE GOING TO GET FIRED!”

(I give her the number and she storms out, muttering. I call my boss.)

Me: “Just so you know, you might be getting a call from your friend, [Customer’s Name] trying to get me fired.”

My Boss: “Who the h*** is [Customer’s Name]?”

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One Last Parting Shot

, , , | Right | February 24, 2008

(A man realized that he was unable to pay for his groceries a few checkouts away from mine and had to leave his cart full of items behind. As he stormed off, he let off a tirade of insults at his cashier, finally stopping as he passed my register, gaping in awe at my long hair. I’m a guy, by the way.)

Pissed Customer: “AND YOU! GET A HAIRCUT! YOU LOOK STUPID!”

Me: “…”

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It’s Not Exactly Rocket Science…

, , | Right | February 24, 2008

(A middle-aged woman comes up to the counter.)

Woman: “Your machine is broken! It will only copy the first page of my packet and now I have fifty copies of the first page and I’m not paying for them!”

Me: “No problem, ma’am, I can credit your card for the copies. Let’s see if I can fix it.”

(When I get to the copier I see that she has laid the entire stack of papers on the glass.)

Me: *trying not to laugh* “If you would like the machine to copy the whole stack automatically you need to place it in the feeder tray, not just set it on the glass.”

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Stupidity Exemplified

, , , | Right | February 24, 2008

(I was working in the seasonal section of a large bulk retail chain. It was Christmas time and we sold large sets of decorative houses with lights in them.)

Customer: “Hi, I would like to purchase one of these…” *points to a house set* “…but there aren’t anymore underneath it. Where are the others stored?””

(I use my price gun to check the quantities of said item.)

Me: “I’m sorry, it appears we are sold out.”

Customer: “Well, then, I’ll just take this one.” *points to the display unit*

Me: “Oh, that’s just a display unit. That one isn’t for sale.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “This is one of those specific items that we are given a temporary display unit from the vendor that we have to send back at the end of the season.”

Customer: “So why can’t I buy it?”

Me: “Well, it’s not ours to sell. It is rented from the people who made the set.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why I can’t buy it!”

Me: “It does not belong to us. We cannot sell what does not belong to us.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “What kind of car do you drive?”

Customer: “A 2000 Focus. Why?”

Me: *to a passing customer* “Sir, would you like to buy a 2000 Focus?”

Customer: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Selling your car.”

Customer: “Why? It’s MY car!”

Me: “Well, I didn’t think ownership made a difference to you.”

(She then stormed off to talk to a manager who told her I would be taken care of. He then proceeded to buy me a piece of pizza for making his day.)

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