No, Only In The Original Klingon

, , | Right | February 26, 2008

Me: “[Book and Music store] …can I help you?”

Caller: “Do you have Shakespeare in English?”

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Pride Goeth Before A Rental

, , | Right | February 26, 2008

(I have a reputation of knowing good movies. Some customers get into the habit of just coming in and asking me what they should watch… especially when they want to seem intellectual. One customer is an a** one day so I give him a Russian movie that is slow, boring, and pretentious. He returns the movie about a week later.)

Me: “How’d you like it?”

Customer: “Man, you dropped the ball on this one. It sucked. Took me three nights to get through it. I kept falling asleep. I hate to have to pay this much money for it.”

Me: “Wow, I’m surprised. I don’t recommend it to a lot of people because I don’t think they’ll catch the subtle subtext in the imagery.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah… The meat of the story is really in the shot composition, the use of color, and the things that remain unsaid. It gets past a lot of people but I thought you would have caught that and enjoyed the message.”

Customer: “You know, don’t check that in yet. I’ll take it back and watch it again.”

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The Straw Man

, , , | Right | February 26, 2008

(Holding a large box of straws, I walk out towards the customers’ side of the registers during lunchtime at a busy shopping center fast food restaurant, to refill all the straw holders.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir…”

(I walk up beside the customer, but still giving him some space despite the fact it was busy and crowded.)

Angry Customer: “To h*** with that crap. Why do you get to go first? I’ve been waiting here for TEN MINUTES!”

Me: “I’m just…”

Angry Customer: “You’re just impatient; that’s your problem. Wait in line like the rest of us.”

(A lot of other customers are staring at him. He has clearly not even realized I am in uniform.)

Me: “Sorry, sir. I work here and I need to refill these straws. A lady complained before because all the straw holders had run out.”

Angry Customer: “Well why are you doing that NOW? Couldn’t you have picked a better time to do it?! I lined up here and all I want is a lousy meal and you’re in my way…” *continues on and on*

Me: “Look, it’s our policy to not hand out straws because of hygiene reasons, so I must refill the straws so the customers can take them themselves so they can, you know, drink?”

Angry Customer: *loudly* “You’re very rude. I want to talk to your manager immediately!”

Me: *sarcastically, as he has not noticed “MANAGER” on my name badge* “Hi, I am the manager on duty. My name is [My Name]. What seems to be the problem?”

(Other customers nearby giggle/laugh.)

Angry Customer: “Well, that’s just f****** great. What a piece of s*** place anyway. F***!”

(He stormed off after wasting about fifteen minutes of his life over some straws.)

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Comes With Free Broadsword

, , , | Right | February 25, 2008

(I’m working drive-through when the headset beeps.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Donut Shop], what can I get you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’ll have a barbarian cream!”

Me: “…a what?”

Customer: “A barbarian cream!”

Me: “…you mean a Bavarian cream?”

Customer: “Yeah, that!”

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Yum, Bible Ham Paste

, , | Right | February 25, 2008

(I work in a deli at a grocery store.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want the extra cheap-a** ham.”

Me: “How thin do you want that?”

Customer: “Bible-paper thin.”

Me: “Um… okay?”

(It should be noted that slicing the “extra cheap-a** ham” too thin results not in ham, but in a ham-like paste)

Me: “Here you go.”

Customer: “You call that thin? You obviously aren’t a religious man, I can see.”

Me: “Okay…”

(I ended up giving him about $3.00 worth of ham paste and he walked away happy, so I guess it all worked out.)

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