(A local couple has come up with a “smart” trick how to speed up the waiting time during the rush hours when paying in the supermarket. She will grab something trivial and dash for the checkout and queue while he does the shopping, then finally pushes to the front with his loaded cart, saying “my wife is already there.” They are pretty well known (and loathed, not only for this), and since she is in front of me, I know what is coming up behind me eventually, especially since she is more focused on what’s behind her than actually going for the checkout. A minute later…)

Husband: “Excuse me? That’s my wife.”

Me: *turning around, beaming at him* “Good for you, congratulations!” *turning back around*

Husband: “Let me pass. She’s waiting for me!”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a lovely couple. Of course she’ll wait for you ’til IT IS YOUR TURN!”

Husband: “But she’s been queuing for us!”

Me: “No, she’s been queuing for her yogurt.”

(I let him rant and rave about how I MUST let him pass for his wife is waiting. By now she’s started to chime in and I get berated in stereo. Then he suddenly backs up a little and rams his cart into my heel.)

Me: “Hey! Stop that!”

Husband: “No! Let me pass!”

(He backs up again to hit me with the cart again and, as this clearly took me by surprise, I just so happen to jump when the cart hits me, and, clumsy me, I land right inside the cart, crushing eggs and other perishables in my fall. And if I hadn’t first seen that those eggs have being hidden under something that could absorb the snot they spewed out as they exploded, I might not have been so clumsy… His yelling at me, sitting in his cart, caused me to panic, of course, which meant that me climbing out of the cart spilled what was not spoiled already. Of course, the ruckus didn’t go unnoticed and the manager appears.)

Manager: “What happened?!”

(The manager gets a brief summary from everyone around.)

Manager: *to the couple* “You will be required to pay for the damage caused.”

(This is met with even more yelling and screaming.)

Husband: *pointing to me* “If anyone had to pay it would be him!”

(Eventually they left, still ranting, now being banned from the store. Just to illustrate just HOW much that couple is known and loathed: Instantly two other people in the queue offered to pay for the damage in case I’d be stuck with it.)

Manager: “Finally having a reason to get rid of them for good is more than he could ask from me.”

(I offered to help with the cleaning of the mess I made, which was again declined with a similar statement by the staff.)

(One month, we’re asking customers if they would like to make a donation for poor families in the neighborhood. Unfortunately, no one is having much luck. Finally, one man I ask agrees to donate five dollars.)

Me: “Oh, thank you! You’re the first person today to say yes!”

Customer: “Not much luck, huh?” *he leans forward, smiles, and lowers his voice* “You wanna know a trick?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “So we can donate one, three, or five dollars, right? Instead of asking ‘Would you like to donate?’ ask if they want to donate one dollar. Then as the month goes by, gradually raise the number to three, then five. You’ll get lots of people to donate one dollar, and if they come back later they’ll remember you, trust you, and agree to donate more.”

Me: “I’m not sure if it’ll work, but thanks!”

(A week goes by…sure enough, his idea is working! He comes back again later and I tell him about my sudden success after trying his trick.)

Me: “Where’d you learn that, anyway?”

Customer: *smiles wide* “I’m a car salesman.”

(I am shopping with my fiancé, and step out of the store to take a phone call. When I re-enter the store, I can’t find my fiancé.)

Employee: “Miss, can I help you find something?”

Me: “No, I don’t thinks so. I’ve lost my fiancé.”

Employee: “We don’t sell those, but good luck!”

(I overhear this between an employee and a customer.)

Customer: “So, what is so great about this smartphone?”

Employee: “Well, it’s waterproof and—”

Customer: “Waterproof? There is no such thing!”

Employee: “I can assure you—”

Customer: “Prove it.”

(As I listen to this, the employee proceeds to dip it in the guy’s soda.)

Employee: “See, it works.” *proceeds to pull it back out and show that it works*

Customer: “Well, umm… the customer is always right!”

This story is part of our They Said The Thing roundup!

Read the next They Said The Thing roundup story!

Read the They Said The Thing roundup!

(Our store has six registers to check out customers with. Registers #1 and #2 are currently being in use with little to no line. I’m behind the customer service counter checking some merchandise. Customer service has a register, but only the managers are allowed to use it. A man comes up to the counter with a $0.97 CD.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir, this register isn’t open. If you want to—”

Customer: *screams at the top of his lungs* “GOD D*** IT! WELL, I AIN’T BUYING IT THEN!”

(The customer stomps to the exit. He screams one last thing behind him.)

Customer: “YOU’RE ALL F****** MESSED UP! I’M NEVER SHOPPING HERE AGAIN!”

(If he had turned around, he would have seen that register one was open without a line. My coworker comes around the counter and picks up the CD.)

Coworker: “Oh, no, what will we ever do without his $0.97? We’ll all starve!”