(I work at a rather expensive restaurant with an extensive wine list. I often have customers that claim to be “wine connoisseurs” and this table is no exception.)

Woman: “I’d like a Riesling, please.”

(I usually offer customers a taste first as our Riesling is on the dry side and most people are expecting something sweet.)

Woman: *trying sample* “Oh, no, I want something sweeter.”

Me: “We also have a dessert wine that is much sweeter.”

Woman: “No, I’ll just have a zinfandel instead.”

(I find this odd but I bring her a glass anyways.)

Me: “Here’s your wine.”

Woman: “This isn’t what I ordered.”

Me: “Yes, this is our house zinfandel.”

Woman: “Oh, I didn’t know they made a red zinfandel!”

(She ended up loving the wine though!)

(The football world cup is on. A lot of English ex-pats have retired to our town and are displaying their flags. A lot of the Welsh people who live in town also choose to display Welsh flags, all year around.)

Customer: “Take them down.”

Me: “Sir? Take what down?”

Customer: “The bloody flags, you idiot. Take them down!”

Me: “Sir, respectfully I’d like to know what flags? We have none on display here.”

Customer: “Not here, you bimbo. All over the bloody town. F****** Welsh flags! It’s the world cup. YOU should be supporting ENGLAND.”

Me: “I don’t control what flags residents and other businesses choose to display – besides, this IS Wales. Many people are as proud to be Welsh as you obviously are to be English.”

Customer: “Well, it’s disrespecting the Queen.”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. Do you have a query I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah. I want these for the grandkids.”

(He hands me a fistful of souvenirs that all say ‘WALES/CYMRU’ on them, including a football with Welsh dragons on it, several Welsh flag erasers, and… a miniature Welsh flag!)

Me: “Uh… sure. That’ll be [price]. Have a great day!”

Customer: *leaves, muttering to himself* “Bloody foreigners. No respect.”

Coworker: “Welsh? Foreigners in our own country?”

Me: “Ah, [Coworker], did you not know that EVERYWHERE is foreign, even if you are English and somewhere besides England? It is everybody else and not you who is the foreigner.”

Coworker: “I hope Scotland votes ‘yes.’ Then, maybe we can think about leaving, too!”

(A customer walks in. She is an older woman, looking at some games.)

Customer: “Hello, I’m looking for a game for my grandson.”

Coworker: “Okay, follow me.”

(She eventually points out a game that’s available on two different consoles.)

Coworker: “Which console does your grandson play on?”

Customer: “He told me it was… ah…”

Coworker: “If you don’t—”

Customer: “It was a Playbox!”

Coworker: “Uh…”

(This is for the great waiter who was smiling and polite through this whole exchange.)

My Mom: “Oh, I know exactly what I’d like!” *points in menu at full description of sandwich, including picture* “The veggie sandwich!”

Server: “Oh, the ultimate veggie, great! Anything else?”

My Mom: “No, that will be perfect. I’ve had it before!”

(Time passes, food arrives.)

My Mom: “Oh, no, no. This isn’t what I wanted! I ordered the ultimate veggie sandwich!”

Server: “Ye-es. What seems to be the problem?”

My Mom: “Last time it was different. I wanted different bread. And is there mayo? No mayo. And no onions. I hate onions!”

Me: *head in hands*

Server: “No problem. I will be right out with that.”

(We run a chilli farm, and have recently opened a retail store in a nearby city. Every single product in our store contains chillies, sauces, jams, marmalades, chocolate bars, even chilli fudge. On our first day open a lady comes in:)

Lady: “Do you have a sauce with blackcurrants in it?”

Me: “Unfortunately we don’t, but we do have a lot of blackcurrant bushes growing on the farm. We could make you a batch of blackcurrant chilli sauce.”

(A week later the lady visits the store again and is very excited when we tell her we now have a blackcurrant sauce, until she looks at the bottle and says:)

Lady: “Oh! It has chillies in it. I don’t like chillies.”