(At least one usher is required to stand by the door slightly before the movie ends, to prevent people from going out the emergency exit and setting off the alarm. It is an afternoon showing of a very popular children’s movie, and the entire upper part of the theater is packed with adults and their respective children. The ‘pit’ seats closest to the screen are completely empty, that being too close for most people. I’m scanning the crowd, as the final scene of the movie starts to play, when I notice some arm rests down in the pit have been pushed up. Since we reset them after every show, I head down the steps to see what’s happened, and if there’s going to be any mess to clean up. Laid out across the seats are two teenagers “going at it.” I am shocked, but know the movie is about to end, and an entire slew of children are about to get an eye load when they stand up and the lights come up. I approach the couple, completely at a loss of what to say.)

Me: “Excuse me… can you not?” *not the most professional thing ever, but I have not been trained on how to deal with this*

Boy: *looking up at me, annoyed* “I’m almost finished.”

Me: “Can you not?!”

(I stay crouched right next to their heads, refusing to give them any privacy, though, doing it at a packed performance, I’m not sure privacy is what they were after.)

Girl: “UGH!”

(She pushes the boy off her, and he rolls onto the floor, adjusting his situation and zipping his pants up. She adjusts her skirt, sits up, then walks out of the theater before the movie’s even over.)

Boy: “HMPH!”

(He glared and sat through the entire credits, and didn’t leave until the rest of the usher staff came in. I reported the situation to my managers, but there was nothing we could really do, by then.)

(Our ice cream shop mixes all of its 36 flavors ourselves in the back of the store, some of which are unique to the very small franchise, so we offer small taster spoons of flavors to customers so they can decide on their flavor.)

Me: “What can I get for you today, sir?”

Customer: “Can I taste your chocolate peanut butter brownie?”

Me: “Sure thing!”

(I reach into the pint container of clean taster spoons on the inside of my service window and grab a spoon to serve the customer his taste. The customer puts the spoon in his mouth and eats the ice cream.)

Customer: “I’ll just have a small chocolate.”

(I went to scoop his ice cream. While I was doing that, he opened the CLOSED service window, reached inside and deposited his USED spoon in the pint container of CLEAN spoons we use to serve all the customers. There was a little trashcan right outside the window just for this purpose. I stopped what I was doing and just stared incredulously at the customer. After serving him I ended up throwing the entire pint container of spoons away – obviously.)

(I work at a public library and I am working by myself for a few hours.)

Patron: “I want to use a computer.”

Me: “Okay, just scan your library card at the PC reservation computer behind you and it will assign you to a computer.”

(Twenty minutes later I am super busy helping other patrons. I notice she is standing there looking confused.)

Patron: “I scanned my card. Now what?”

Me: “Okay,  it should have assigned you to a computer. Did you see what number you were assigned?”

(The patron shakes her head, because of course she didn’t.)

Me: “Let me check to see which one you’re on.”

(I looked on the computer and saw no reservation. The patron proceeded to show me that she scanned her card on the photo scanner and uploaded it to the computer used for the photo scanning machine, not the PC reservation computer with the barcode scanner. This woman figured out a freaking photo scanner but couldn’t understand how to use the barcode scanner to reserve a computer.)

(I work in a second-hand bookstore where we purchase items from customers. I’m currently working at the buy counter where I have two separate customers, both females. An older lady brought her items in a bag (“Edith”) while the second middle-aged lady (“Anne”) brought hers in a box. They shop the store while I look through their items and I page them over the PA system once their offer is ready.)

Me: “Edith, your offer is ready at the buy counter. Edith.”

Customer: *approaches* “Hello.”

Me: *recognizes her as one of the two ladies, but I am terrible at remembering faces* “Hi! Miss Edith?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “All right, your offer is [amount] today.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

Me: “Okay, so I’ll just have you sign this piece of paper once it prints, Miss Edith—”

Customer: “Can I have my box back?”

Me: *a little alarmed, as I’m currently working on the box* “Oh, wait, so these books are yours?” *points to the books from the box*

Customer: Yes.

Me: “Ah, sorry, Miss Edith! It seems that I had mixed you two up! Give me a moment to look you up in the system so I can re-enter your correct offer.” *does so* “Good thing you’re the only ‘Edith,’ otherwise this would be a long search!” *quickly finishes the buy* “Okay, your correct offer is [different amount].”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: *hands her the slip of paper to sign* “Okay, please sign here—”

Customer: *looks at slip* “This isn’t my name.”

Me: “…Oh. Well, I had paged for ‘Edith’ before and asked you if you were ‘Edith.'”

Customer: “It sounded like ‘Ann.'”

Me: *thinking* “IN WHAT UNIVERSE?!”

Dear readers! This story was originally submitted without a title, to encourage you to come up with a witty submission yourselves. After considering the many amazing suggestions in the comments section, we have come up with the title above. Thank you all for participating; we had a blast reading them!

(I work for a large cell phone provider.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cell Phone Provider]. This is [My Name]. How may I assist you today?”

Caller: “Yes. Every time my phone rings and I try to answer it, my phone shuts off. It happens every time.”

Me: “Well, that is pretty odd. Let me see if I can figure out what the issue with your handset is.”

(After spending almost an hour trying to look up account info and diagnose what could possibly be wrong with this woman’s phone with no luck, I am about to give up and replace the phone.)

Me: “So that I can write up in your account what exactly is happening so we can replace your phone, what button are you pushing when trying to answer the phone?”

Caller: “The ‘Push When Ringing’ button.”

Me: “I’m sorry, which button?”

Caller: “’Push When Ringing.’ You know? P-W-R.”

Me: “I think I know the problem…”