(My boss is out of the office this morning at a funeral for a family friend. He is going to be gone until about 1:00 pm; it is currently 11:45.)

Customer: “We had an appointment with [Boss].”

Me: “I’m sorry, he’s out of the office until 1:00 pm. It looks like he had you down for an appointment at 1:30. Did our wires cross somewhere?”

Customer: “No, that is when our appointment is for. We just wanted to do it now. Is he at lunch? Shouldn’t he be back soon?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. He’s at a funeral right now. He won’t be back in the office until 1:00. I suggest you come back at your appointment time.”

Customer: *ragingly mad* “That is RIDICULOUS! People need to keep PERSONAL LIFE separate from their WORK LIFE! This is UNACCEPTABLE!”

Me: “Well, I’ll make sure to let him know that you showed up EARLY for your appointment when he gets back from the FUNERAL. We’ll see you at 1:30 for your SCHEDULED appointment. Have a nice day.”

(Most purchases at my store are usually between $100 and $300. The higher purchases are usually for firearms and ammunition. Customers can place any amount they want on our gift cards, but those amounts usually vary between $20 and $100. One day, a customer comes up to my register with a cart full of fishing gear, including two $300 coolers. I ring him up.)

Me: “That’ll be [amount over $1500].”

(He smiles and hands me a gift card. He has a whole stack of them in his hands. I hold out my hand for the rest, but he holds onto the stack. I scan the first card, which takes $250 off his purchase.)

Me: “Okay, you owe [amount over $1250].”

(He smiles and hands me a second card.)

Me: Okay, now you owe [amount over $1000].

(He smiles and hands another card.)

Me: “[Amount over $750].”

(I am gathering a stack of used gift cards on top of my register at this point, and we’re only halfway through the stack still in his hands. He hands me the next card.)

Me: “[Amount over $500].”

(He hands me another card.)

Me: “[Amount over $250].”

(He hands me his second-to-last card.)

Me: “[Amount around $50.]”

(He hands me his last card. By this point, we’re both laughing.)

Me: “And you have [amount around 200] left on this card.” *I hand him his last gift card and a receipt.* “Have a good one!”

(I am ringing up a lady that had come in earlier today when I wasn’t here. I am with another cashier who is training me.)

Me: “That will be [price]. Credit or debit?”

Lady: “Credit. Um, I know this is a weird request, but I was here earlier and I told the other cashier, a man, that I had to go because my daughter was making banana bread and he said ‘Oh, you should have come later so you could bring us some!’ So, I brought some.”

(She places a tin-foil wrapped loaf of banana bread on the counter.)

Coworker: Oh, haha! That just have been [Name]! I will leave it here for him in the morning!”

Lady: “Thanks!”

(I take my brother to the pub. He goes to get the first round, which includes a Coke.)

Brother: “Can I have [drinks] and a Coke, please.”

Bartender: “Is Pepsi okay?”

Brother: “Is Monopoly money okay?”

Bartender: “Right, get out. You’re barred.”

(He was allowed to stay after paying a fine into the tip-jar.)

(A user calls up as they do not know how to use Photoshop, despite being offered training originally.)

User: “This program is stupid. Why do I need all these buttons and functions?”

Me: “The program is a piece of professional software that is very high end, used for magazines and movie posters.”

User: “I just want to resize my dolphin photos!”

Me: “Well, first, you will need to open the photo concerned, then go to—“

User: “I haven’t got time for that! I just want these dolphin photos resized!”

Me: “You were offered training on this software when it was purchased.”

User: “I don’t have time to sit around doing training! I just want the software to do what I want it to do without clicking all of these buttons!”

Me: “I can talk you through the steps. Do you need to get a pen to write this down?”

User: “No. I am not messing around with this software any more! I have work to do! You ring Adobe and tell them I want this changed NOW.”

Me: “You want me to call Adobe and tell them to change their multi million dollar software because you don’t like it?”

User: “Yes! Let me know when they’ve done it!”

(The user hung up and I was left speechless. The user also chased it up to see if I had contacted them and if they had carried out the changes.)