(I’m helping a woman and her toddler, and the computer is taking an unusually long time processing her order.)

Me: “Sorry, it’ll just be a while.”

Woman: “No problem.” *to toddler* “I’ll just put you down, okay?”

(As she bends over, I see an impatient-looking couple behind her. As she fusses with her child, the couple does an acrobatic trick that makes it look like they’re making out on TOP on the woman, from my angle. The woman then straightens up, not noticing, and they straighten up, too. This happens over and over a few times. The toddler has gone quiet. Finally, the printer prints out the woman’s receipt.)

Me: “Here you go.”

Woman: “Thanks!” *to toddler* “Come on.”

(They left, the toddler staring at the couple with a grin. The couple acted like nothing strange had happened. Maybe they really were acrobats?)

(I work in the electronics department of a major retailer. The phone rings one evening. On the other end is a girl, who sounds to be about 14 or so, and I can hear muffled giggles behind her, so I know she’s got it on speakerphone.)

Me: “Electronics, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Oh… yeah, do you have cameras there?”

Me: “Yes, we do”

Caller: “Do you have any green ones?”

Me: “Yes, we have a Nikon model that is green.”

Caller: “Is it waterproof?”

Me: “Yes, this model is waterproof to 75 feet.”

Caller: “That means it takes pictures underwater, right?”

Me: *now certain this is a prank call* “Right…”

Caller: “Can it take a picture of a tree?”

Me: “Yes, it can.”

Caller: “Can it take a picture of my butt?”

(Cue giggling from the other end, that explodes into full-blown laughter at my reply:)

Me: “Oh, no, I’m sorry, miss; this model doesn’t have a wide angle lens!”

(My friend’s family owns a reception hall at their restaurant. She’s showing the hall for a wedding to a potential client.)

Friend: “So, any questions for me?”

Potential Client: “Yes… My colors are black and hot pink. Do you think we could paint that wall black on the bottom and hot pink on top?”

(Note that the walls are painted an off-white color with a generic border along the chair rail. They had just recently remodeled within the past couple years, too. My friend’s not sure if the woman is serious or not, so she somewhat humors her.)

Friend: Well… sure. But then you’d have to paint it back the way we have it now and put the same border up.”

Potential Client: “Oh. Well, I don’t want to do that.”

(Turned out she had actually been serious and had wanted to paint the walls! She of course didn’t want to take my friend’s offer and went with a different venue. I wonder if she found somewhere that let her paint the walls!)

(I work in a small department store that also sells cigarettes. A regular customer comes in with his dog. We’re generally pet-friendly and just assume any dog brought in is a service dog. The man comes to the register with a couple of items and asks for a pack of cigarettes. While he is standing at my register, a black woman comes in. The dog goes crazy, barking at her, and she dashes behind my register and hides behind me.)

Me: “Sir, we’re a pet friendly establishment, but if your dog is going to bark at customers, I’m going to have to ask you not to bring him in anymore.”

(The man is beet-red in the face and looks livid, but he doesn’t say a word as he takes his stuff and leaves. Less than twenty minutes later he comes back.)

Customer: “I want the items you stole!”

Me: “Sir, I didn’t take anything.”

Customer: *brandishing his receipt* “I bought candles, and they weren’t in my bag; I want them now. And another thing, my dog is a service dog. I’m a d*** vet and I fought overseas so that [racial slur] can f***ing live here and go [makes rude sounds mimicking ululating] all over the place.”

Me: “Sir, please calm down.”

Customer: “You f***ing n*****-lover! That was a service dog; I can bring him anywhere I f***ing want!”

Me: “Sir, service dogs are allowed in any public place, but if they cause a disturbance, we are well within our legal right to refuse them entrance.”

(At this point he’s come around the counter at me and is leering over me. My coworker, a young black man, has to come step in between the man and me.)

Coworker: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave or I’m going to call the police.”

Customer: *string of profanities and racial slurs*

(Finally we get him to leave with further threats of calling the police. Not twenty minutes later however he comes back in demanding the candles I supposedly stole.)

Me: “Wait right here by the door. I’ll get them.”

(While I go to grab the candles, he proceeds to yell at all the patrons in the store to watch their bags and check their receipts because we are “dishonest n*****-lovers who steal.” I hand him his candles.)

Customer: “F*** you, b****; enjoy your African store!”

Coworker: “We will; thank you.”

(He left. However, my manager refused to allow us to ban him from the store, and I had to deal with him twice more before I resigned.)

(I work in a high end makeup retailer that has just recently gotten a credit card program. We have had a points-based rewards program for a long time, and our systems base pre-approval off of a customer’s rewards card’s history.)

Me: “Can I get your phone number for your rewards card?”

Customer: “It’s [phone number].”

(The screen comes up with the message that the customer has been approved for the highest level of the credit card, which is able to be used anywhere, not just in our stores.)

Me: “Congratulations! You’ve been pre-approved for an [Store Rewards Brand] credit card! With that card you’re going to earn extra points on the purchases you make in the store, and get 20% off of your purchase today. Are you interested in signing up?”

Customer: “Sure! Sounds great!”

Me: “Okay! Just go ahead and select one of the options on the screen in front of you.”

(The options include: “Yes, sign up”, “No, this isn’t me”, or “No, not at this time”. After the customer chooses “Yes, sign up,” I continue to read through the customer’s reward information in great detail, including the spelling of her first and last name, address, email, birthday, etc., as they have to be completely accurate to make sure that the approval goes all the way through.)

Me: “All right, on the screen in front of you it’s going to have you read over all of the information that we just went over, just to double verify that it is all correct and your information.”

(The customer clicks yes and it goes to the next screen, asking her to verify her social security number.)

Customer: “Oh, I don’t know my mom’s social security number… I might know it; I could try to guess. Or I could call her…”

Me: “You told me that that was your information, not your mom’s. We can’t open a credit card in her name without her here… Did you see the button that said, “No, this isn’t me”?”

Customer: “Yeah, but we just share the same rewards card, so I thought it would be fine.”

(I exited out of the credit pre-approval and finished her transaction as usual. I gave her the credit brochure and told her to give it to her mom. I’m interested to know what happened after her mom found out her daughter tried to sign her up for a credit card!)