What Planet Is She From, Because I Want To Live There

, , | Right | July 6, 2008

Me: “Hi, how are you doing today?”

Customer: “I’d like a large coffee.”

Me: “That’ll be $1.95.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t want to pay for it.”

Me: *shocked* “Ma’am, this is a store. We sell things for money in order to make a profit.”

Customer: *stares blankly*

Me: “The coffee isn’t free.”

Customer: “Can I have the coffee anyway, since you already poured it?”

Me: “No. ”

Customer: *looks at me for a moment and then walks away*

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Directionally Challenged

, , | Right | July 6, 2008

Me: “Hello! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need a [Sandwich], two large fries, and a shake.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t sell those here. [Competitor] is next door.”

Customer: “OH!”

(He walks into my dining room and promptly returns to the counter. He appears slightly confused.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah! I thought you said [Competitor] is next door.”

Me: “Yes, sir, it is.”

(I proceed to walk with him back to the dining room and point next door.)

Me: “If you come back this way and go through our side exit, you can walk right over to [Competitor].”

Customer: “OH!”

(I follow him back to the area near the side door and point him in that direction. He appears to be on his way to a [Sandwich], two fries and, a shake when I hear our restroom door open and close. Sure enough, moments later he appears at my counter again.)

Customer: “Why did you send me to the bathroom?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Please follow me.”

(I escort the gentleman out the side door and tell him [Competitor] is next door.)

Customer: “OH! Thank you!”

(He started walking toward the front of both my building and [Competitor]. I felt confident he was going to get there. I was wrong. He walked around my building and through the parking lot, and was last seen heading toward an empty lot and the railroad tracks.)


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Aaaa-men, Brotha

| Right | July 5, 2008

(When I was a teenager I worked in a skateboard shop in the mall. I was working with my buddy and we see a loud, filthy group of guys coming down the hall towards our store.)

Loud, filthy customer #1: “You guys sell hackie sacks, the kind with sand in ’em?”

Me: “Yup, right there.” *pointing*

Loud, filthy customer #2: “What’s the return policy?”

Me: “Thirty days with a receipt.”

Loud, filthy customer #2:  “So, if I shoot this hackie sack with mah sawed-off 12-gauge and run it over in mah truck, you’ll still take it back? HAW HAW!”

Me:  “Heh, no. Thanks, guys.”

(They leave. All the while, my coworker has been there, arms crossed, not moving an inch, with a cold, dead, angry stare.)

Coworker:  “Cousins need to STOP f***ing.”

(I’d never laughed so hard in my life.)

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Why Context Is Important

| Right | July 5, 2008

(The zoo sells these SpongeBob ice creams with gumball eyes. I overhear this mother telling her young son eating one outside one of the restaurants…)

Mom: “Oh look honey, when you licked his balls you got stuff all over your face!”

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Retail Defender, AntiCheapskate Edition

, | Right | July 5, 2008

(I work in a large electronics retail chain. A guy asks me to find the latest version of Norton AntiVirus for him, which I do. He takes a look at the price and starts yelling about how outrageous it is ($100.00 US).)

Guy: “What the h***? How can you people get away with this? This is a scam!”

Me: “Sir, I can suggest another type of protection if this one is too expensive…”

Guy: “No way! This is the one I want, but I’m not paying this.”

Me: “Sir I–”

Guy: “I bet I can find it online for much cheaper. Heck, even free! ”

Me: “Sir, I think that–”

Guy: “That’s what I’ll do… I’ll find it for free online! Better than this s***!”

(A young woman nearby is listening and speaks up.)

Woman: “Yeah, you can find it online, for free.”

Guy: “Really, where? Tell me!”

Woman: “[A disturbing p*rn site that I would not recommend viewing].”

Guy: “Thanks!” *turns back to me, smirking* “Ha, guess I won’t be spending any money on this s***!”

Me, to the girl: “That… was awesome.”

Woman: “Well, an a**hole like that deserves it. I figured that you couldn’t tell him that without getting fired.”

(The young woman gets a free gift card; that guy never comes back. I still wonder what went through his mind when the site popped up.)

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