Fecal Tender

| Right | March 26, 2008

(A customer came in, grabbed a 40 ounce bottle of beer, approached my manager and talked to him for a minute. The customer walked out and my manager came to the counter with the beer and some money. He purchased the beer, walked outside and then returned. When no one was in the store, we all turned to the manager and asked what happened.)

Manager: “Well, the customer has the money to buy the beer…but he had an issue.”

Us: “What happened?”

Manager: “He said he was coughing real hard in the cooler…and he sh*t in his pants…”

(That liquor store has never heard such laughter in the entirety of its existence.)

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Getting Your Priorities Straight

, , , , | Right | March 25, 2008

(A guest approaches the hotel front desk.)

Guest: “Um, hi… it looks like there was a pretty bad accident right down the street there…”

Me: “Oh okay, I’ll call 911.”

Guest: “It looks like a cab and a bus.”

Me: “Okay, thank you.” *picks up the phone*

Guest: What are you doing?

Me: “Calling 911.”

Guest: “Look, a lot of people have cell phones, I’m sure it’s fine. What I’m concerned about is that I think that was my cab.”

Me: “…?”

Guest: “SO ARE YOU GOING TO CALL ME A CAB OR NOT?!”


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Instructions Are Your Friends, Part 2

, | Right | March 25, 2008

Customer: *staring at the credit card machine* “I don’t know what to do. What does it want me to do?”

Me: “What does the screen say?”

Customer: “Press the green button.”

Me: “Then… well… maybe you should press that green button there.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

 

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Size Does Matter

, | Right | March 25, 2008

(I used to work a fast food drive-thru window in which I met very strange and stupid people.)

Me, through the drive-thru intercom: “Hi, welcome to ***, how may I help you?”

Man, to one of his kids: “Pick something damn it! I don’t have all day for your sh*t.”

Me: “Hey ease up, would you?”

Man, speaking to me: “You little sh*t! You don’t know who you are messing with!”

(The man speeds up to my window with an angry look on his face. I look at him: a 5’5″, overweight and balding guy. Then he looks at me: 6-foot, 300 pounds of muscle, bone, and a relatively small gut. His expression softens slightly.)

Man: “…were you the one on the speaker?”

Me: “Yeah, that was me.”

Man: “How are you doing? It’s a great day today.”

Me: *big smile* “How’s the kid doing?”

Man: “Fine…you aren’t going to take my order, are you?”

Me: “Nope. My manager has the other headset and he might’ve taken your order if you didn’t piss him off. Have a nice day.”

(I worked at that place for 2 years and a month before I quit. I still have bad dreams about the place.)

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The Da Vinci Code 3: Running Out Of Conspiracies

, , | Right | March 24, 2008

(The store’s power went out one day so we were using a pocket calculator to figure out totals and writing up paper receipts.)

Customer: “I’m not ready to pay yet, but can you tell me what I will owe?”

(I punch some numbers into the calculator, which returns 26.595.)

Me: “Your total will be $26.59.”

(When the customer comes back to pay, the power has just come back on and our computer system is up and running so I enter her purchase information.)

Me: “Okay, the total comes to $26.60.”

Customer: “You told me $26.59 before.”

Me: “Oh yeah, it’s because it was something like 26.595 and I just truncated the number instead of rounding it, but the computer rounds automatically.”

Customer: “I find it very interesting that it would round in favor of itself.”

Me: “Um, that’s just how rounding works. If it had been 26.594 it would have rounded down.”

Customer: “I just find it very interesting that the customer loses out on this.”

Me: “…”

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