(Our donut and coffee shop offers an app you can load money on and pay with like a gift card. I take an order at the drive-thru and give the customer her total.)

Me: That will be [total].”

(The customer puts her phone up with the app to pay. I scan it and notice she is about 30 cents short. I turn to tell her, reluctantly, since most people start a tirade of “I know I have enough!” as soon as I do, but she is holding exact change out.)

Me: “Oh! Most people don’t realize they are short.”

Customer: *laughing* “They do know the app shows a current balance of their card when they tap to pay, right?”

Me: “No, ma’am. Most don’t read that far.”

Customer: *shaking her head* “I am sorry you have to deal with idiots.”

Me: “Well, they haven’t had their coffee yet.”

Customer: “I’ve worked several retail jobs and in a couple hospitals. Coffee only energizes their stupidity. Have a good one!”

Customer: “There was a book on this table two months ago. It was black and said ‘FBI’ in red on the cover.”

Me: “Yes, I know that one.”

(I grab a copy of “Secrets of the FBI” and hand it to her.)

Customer: “No, not this one.”

Me: “Really? Because that’s the only book in the store that’s black and says ‘FBI’ in red on the cover. Also, it was featured on this table two months ago.

Customer: No, it was a different one.

(I pull up the list of books from that table two months ago.)

Me: That was the only book about the FBI on that table two months ago.

Customer: NO, it was a DIFFERENT ONE. You’re not LISTENING.

(Customer storms off, complains to a different employee about me not finding the correct book.)

Coworker: “I think I remember that book, wasn’t it ‘Secrets of the FBI’?”

Customer: “NO! NO! NO! GOD!”

(Five minutes later, while she’s leaving the store.)

Customer: “THIS IS WHY PEOPLE SHOP ON AMAZON!”

(About an hour later, we get a phone call from someone who sounds suspiciously like this woman.)

Customer: “Yes, can I reserve a copy of the book ‘Secrets of the FBI’?”

(I work at a women’s clothing store and we offer price adjustments if you bought something at a higher price than it is selling for now.)

Customer: “I’d like to get a price adjustment.”

Me: “Absolutely. Let me just take a look.” *I look at her receipt and it’s from eight days prior* “Oh, I’m afraid we can only do price adjustments up to seven days, and today is day eight.”

Customer: *scoffs loudly* “I called this morning and was told I could do it, no problem.”

Me: “Oh, uh, do you know who you spoke with?”

Customer: “[Name close to MOD’s Name], maybe?”

Me: “Was it [MOD’s name]?”

Customer: “She told me I could. If you won’t do it, then I’ll just return all of these and buy them back again.”

Me: “Well, if that’s what you’re going to do, I guess I might as well just ring it in; it’s nearly the same process.”

(I process the adjustment and she leaves. I grab the MOD and ask her if she spoke with the customer on the phone.)

MOD: “Yes, she’s lying. I told her that it was only up to seven days and that if she bought it on any type of promotion, we couldn’t process it. It’s okay that you processed it. Now you know.”

Me: “So she called in to check, found out she couldn’t, and came in anyway?”

MOD: “Yup.”

Me: “Hello, [Tech Support].”

Caller: “FINALLY! Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you to pick up the d*** phone?

Me: “Let me see… 36 seconds, sir.”

Caller: “Exactly! I can’t believe… Wait, what?”

Me: “You were on hold for exactly 36 seconds before I got to you.”

Caller: “…really? You can tell that?”

Me: “As soon as your call enters the queue it generates a note of the time you called in. Yours was logged at [time] which was just about 36… well, 46 seconds ago, now.”

Caller: “Well… it felt longer than that. D*** it now what am I supposed to do? This… this has never happened before!”

Me: “Did you have a tech related issue to report?”

Caller: “Uh, I think so… I can’t remember now! I… you’ve thrown my whole thought process off!”

(He hangs up. A little while later I pick up another call, and notice it’s the exact same number.)

Me: “Hello, [Tech Support].”

Caller: “Thank God! Do you know how long I’ve been on hold? Waiting for you to get off your damn a** and help me?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “According to the time stamp you had a wait of 26 seconds this time before I got to you. That’s a pretty good improvement over your previous call.”

Caller: “For the love of God! Look, your stupid intro recording says I might experience higher than average wait times! What am I supposed to do if you then immediately answer the phone?”

Me: “Be glad you didn’t have to wait for very long and enjoy getting your issue resolved promptly?”

(He grumbled all the way through the troubleshooting process, complaining about how we shouldn’t be so quick to answer calls or be able to track the amount of time a customer has been on hold.)

Me: *to a coworker* “Can I make a public service announcement for our drive-thru customers?”

Coworker: “Saying what?”

Me: “You don’t realize it but… I can see all the trash piled up in your car floors. I can also see that you’re not wearing any pants.”