(Today is Thanksgiving. Both my cashier and I have been worried that all our customers are going to be cranky and yell at us for all the little things that stresses out customers doing last minute shopping and that they are bound to complain about — long lines, being out of stock on some items, that sort of thing. I come back from my lunch break to see my cashier with a long line, and a shocked look on his face.)

Me: “What’s up?”

Cashier: “A customer just… she just…” *still looking surprised*

Customer: “Oh, the customer who just left just surprised him, is all. She was saying ‘Thank you so much for being open today! I really appreciate it!'”

Me: “Oh, that is nice to hear.”

Cashier: “Yeah, but then, she finished paying for her groceries, and pulled out this box of chocolates and a package of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups she had just bought, and said ‘This is for you guys, to thank you for working today!'”

(Yes, a customer was so thankful we were open, they bought us chocolates!)

(The customer walks up to me, and seems completely uninterested and distracted, barely making eye contact.)

Customer: “I want the all-you-can-eat popcorn.”

Me: “We do have a large popcorn offer that comes with one free refill. We unfortunately do not offer an all-you-can-eat popcorn option.”

Customer: *barely paying attention* “So you’re trying to tell me the large gets refills, right?”

Me: “The large gets one free refill.”

Customer: “Okay, so I’ll take one of those, you know, the large, all-you-can-eat popcorn.”

Me: “All right, that’s one large popcorn… but just to be clear, it only comes with one refill, okay?”

Customer: *still not even looking at me* “That’s fine.”

(I give her the popcorn and ring her out. About half an hour later, she gets her refill. 20 minutes later, she comes back out again.)

Customer: *not even looking in my direction while thrusting her bag towards me* “Refill.”

Me: “All right, but just so you know, I’ll have to charge you since the larges only come with one free refill.”

Customer: “Whatever.”

(I get her refill.)

Me: “That will be [price].”

Customer: *turning towards me suddenly, angry* “But this is an all-you-can-eat popcorn.”

Me: “We don’t offer an all-you-can-eat popcorn.”

Customer: “But you told me this was an all-you-can-eat popcorn!”

Me: “Actually, I told you repeatedly that our large popcorns only come with one refill.”

Customer: “But I asked for an all-you-can-eat popcorn!”

Me: “Ma’am, we really don’t offer an all-you-can-eat popcorn and I made sure to explain that.”

Customer: “BUT I ASKED FOR ONE!”

Me: “I understand; however, we don’t offer an all-you-can-eat popcorn option.”

Customer: “BUT I WANTED AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT POPCORN!”

(Knowing where this is going, I just give up.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’ll give you this one last refill for free, but you’ll have to pay for any other refills. I really shouldn’t make exceptions like this, but I’ll let it slide if there was some confusion earlier.”

Customer: *storming away* “This is terrible customer service! You’re supposed to give the customer what they ask for!”

(Considering earlier this same day a 40-something man and his wife had made fun of me for being fat to my face and I got screamed at by at least a half-dozen people over prices I have no control over, it took every ounce of patience not to flip my lid.)

(I have just been operated on to remove a cancerous tumor. It was a minor surgery, but the location of the incision made walking somewhat uncomfortable, so I use a cane for a few weeks. On my way back to the computer department from a break, a woman stops me…)

Customer: *speaking slowly, carefully enunciating every syllable, and condescendingly polite* “Excuse me, young man.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Can you find someone to help me? I need to pick up a ROU-ter. It’s a thing for my com-PU-ter.”

Me: “Sure! Do you—”

Customer: “Someone in HERE—” *gestures at the computer department* “—might know about it.”

Me: “Got it. Are you looking for a wired router, wired gigabit, wireless B, wireless G, or wireless N?”

Customer: “Oh. Oh!” *she suddenly speaks normally* “Oh, I’m sorry!” *she gestures to my cane* “I thought… I thought you were, like, just a bag boy or something.”

Me: “Right… Let’s go look at those routers.”

(After that, she was like any other normal customer. I didn’t bother to comment on her ignorant assumptions that using a cane or that having a job as a “bag boy” was an indication of a mental handicap.)

(The guys responsible for herding and organizing the carts also empty the garbage cans near the entrance, usually by tying off the bags, putting them in a cart, and wheeling them through the store to the back. It’s not usually a problem, but on this day the bag broke and leaked stinky trash water all over the floor. I was on my hands and knees wiping up the spill when our store operator came over to me to say there was an insistent customer in my department: the lingerie department.)

Me: *wearing rubber gloves obviously soiled with trash remnants* “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m looking for some lingerie for my wife and I want you to help me pick some out.”

Me: “Tell me more about what you’re looking for. A matched set, a nightgown, lace, satin?”

Customer: “Why don’t you tell me what kind of underwear you like?”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Customer: “She’s about your size; if you wanted to look real sexy, what would you wear?” *remember: I’m wearing trash-covered rubber gloves*

Me: “Sir, I can point you to different items in the department or help you get another size or color, but I can’t choose an item for you.”

Customer: “C’mon… I just want you to help me find something that would look good on a woman like you!”

Me: “Sir, I’m covered in trash juice and we have a main aisle blocked off waiting for me to clean it. If you need help finding something, you can talk to [Coworker] in the jewelry department.”

(I walked away while he contemplated the 6’2″, 300 lb worker at the jewelry counter. The last I saw of him he was scurrying away from my coworker muttering something about not needing any help.)

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(I am working a morning shift and only have an hour left until I get to go home. A customer comes in wanting to update the payment method on a product he purchased. I am a customer service manager, have been for 5 years, so I know what I am doing.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have to call [Credit Company] and they will update the payment method for you.”

Customer: *raises his hand* “No, I don’t. You will change it for me. It’s not your fault. You are new and don’t know what to do.”

Me: “Sir, I have been working here for five years. When I tell you that we can’t change the payment method, I’m not BS-ing you. We cannot do it.”

Customer: “No. I come in here every time, and they allow me to change the payment method on this card from six months revolving payments to three months on this card.”

(At this time the customer starts yelling at me about how I know nothing so I call the store manager down.)

Store Manager: “Well, sir, like the Customer Service manager said, you need to phone the number on the back of your credit card.”

Customer: “NO! I come in here every time and I am always allowed to—”

Store Manager: “You come in here every time, I am always called down, and every time I tell you the same thing: We cannot do it. The next time you will not be told; you will be turned away.”

(The customer left. Next week he came back with the same problem. The manager came down to customer service immediately and told the customer he had to leave.)