(Our theater has a “No Weapons” sign outside.)

Customer: “I saw you had a ‘no weapons’ sign out front?”

Me: “Yup. We put that up due to the recent tragedies that have occurred at theaters.”

Customer: *snarky* “Well, how do you know I don’t have a gun under my shirt? I could be packing heat!”

Me: “Well, sir… I’d call the police to inform them of any guest whom I might be suspicious of.”

Customer: “But wouldn’t you get in trouble for disturbing a peace officer for doing something like that?”

Me: “Sir, $9 an hour isn’t worth my life. If you’re trying to tell me you have a gun, I’ll call the police and radio my manager this instant.”

Customer: *lifting his shirt to show me he’s unarmed* “I’m not armed! Jeez, you’re such a kill-joy!”

(He leaves.)

Me: “Who the h*** thinks it’s funny to joke about having a gun in the wake of several real-life shootings?”

Coworker: “He’s the second one this week.”

(Seriously, don’t do this. It’s disturbing and freaks us out.)

(The beverage menu for the coffeehouse is extensive, about 75 pages. I’m taking an order from a trio of young looking kids.)

Me: “And for you, sir?”

Customer #1: “I’d like an iced espresso.”

Me: “Well, that’s not really an item. Is there anything else I could get you?”

Customer #1: “No, I want an iced espresso.”

Me: “We have lots of iced drinks and hot drinks, or if there was a specific way you wanted it prepared maybe that would help me serve you?”

Customer #1: “I don’t see why I can’t get an iced espresso.”

Me: *starting to lose my cool* “Well, I can bring you espresso and ice, but what you’re asking me to do is impossible.”

Customer #1: “What? How do you mean?”

Me: “You’re asking for both the hottest and coldest items on the menu. If I put ice in espresso, it’s going to melt and make you an Americano, which you said you don’t want. So because I cannot bend the laws of physics, I’m not going to bring you something you don’t want and set myself up for failure.”

Customer #1: *to [Customer #2]* “This is ridiculous.”

Customer #2: *gives me a sympathetic look, then urges [Customer #1] to order something else*

Me: *totally done with this as everyone else ordered and have told Customer #1 to stop being difficult* “I can bring you an actual Americano, or I could try bringing you ice and espresso so you can see for yourself, but I’m not bringing you an espresso with melting ice in it so you can tell me I’m wrong.”

(The customer ended up getting something COMPLETELY different, which made me wonder if he was “testing” me.)

(I’m in town for a business meeting and I pop into an electronics store across the street from the hotel I’m staying in. I’m not wearing store colors or even the khakis and polo uniform, but I am dressed in business attire. I’m standing in the aisle looking at picking up a new video card when a woman approaches me with her young teen sons in tow.)

Mother: “Sir… Sir, can you tell me if this video card will be good enough to handle my son’s new game?”

Son: “It’s [Game].”

(I look around and, realizing that all the staff in the area are busy, I go ahead and take a look at the video card.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, if I remember the game’s requirements right, this video card will certainly do the trick, but I seem to have noticed that they have this one—” *I pick another one off the shelf* “–that is better and because it’s on sale, cheaper.”

(As she goes about her way, a second customer steps up to me.)

Other Customer: “Sir, I need help finding more RAM.”

(Seeing once again there is nobody around to help…)

Me: “Well, do you know what kind of RAM you’ll need?”

Other Customer: “Umm… no? Is there more than one kind?”

Me: “Yes and while they do carry RAM here, unless you know the model of your computer or better yet, motherboard, there’s no way to be sure you’re getting the right stuff.”

(She promises me she’ll get the computer’s model and come back later. This happens a couple more times and as I have literally nothing better to do and the store seems unusually busy, I go ahead and help them, never ONCE claiming to work there. This keeps on until a fifth person steps up at the same time a manager steps up to me.)

Customer: “So… I noticed you said ‘they.’ You don’t actually work here do you?”

(The manager speaks up before I can say anything.)

Manager: “No, he doesn’t but I feel like I should be slapping a polo on this guy. [Employee] over there will be happy to help you though.”

Manager: *to me* “So… you need a job?”

Me: “Hah, no, I’m only in town for business, I’m just looking at video cards to kill time.”

Manager: “Well, lemme know if you pick one out; we’ll give you the employee discount for today.”

(We both had a good chuckle about that but when I checked out, true to his word, the guy stopped the sales clerk to make sure I got the employee discount.)

Customer: “I have a question about the dry shampoo. It says here on the can that it’s flammable. Does that mean if I spray too much on my hair and go out in the sun my hair will catch fire?”

(Speechless, not sure if she was joking, I quickly reassured her that the flammable message was about leaving the actual can near heat, and her hair wouldn’t catch fire when she went out into the sun.)

(I am the customer in this story. I walk into my local coffee shop this morning and notice that one of the menu TVs is showing a Blue Screen of Death.)

Me: “I wasn’t expecting to see that on your menu.”

Barista: “Yeah, we have a new Blue Screen of Death Latte. It tastes like a burnt out computer.”

Me: “Mmm… Silicon Dioxide.”

Barista: “Yummy.”