(Little Red Riding) In The ‘Hood

| Right | April 11, 2008

Me: “Hello, ma’am, what can I do for you?”

Woman: “Well, I’m looking for a book to get my daughter reading, but I’m not sure where to look.”

Me: “Okay, what does your daughter like?”

Woman: “She really likes ghosts…and gangs.”

Me: “?”

Woman: “Oh, she’s a gang member.”

Me: “Um…”

(A tiny, little white girl in a wife beater hops up to the desk.)

Girl: “Yo, mama, you find me a d*mn book yet?”

Me: “…true crime?”

(So, I help them find a book about gang wars, because I guess that fits both stipulations and take them to the register. My manager is working the register and tells me that he used to be really good friends with the mother. After I tell him that she said her little girl was a gang member he tells me that “they both were always a little stupid.”)

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Self Checkout Lanes: Asking For Trouble

| Right | April 11, 2008

(At the self checkout, a customer is waving a lime over the scanner.)

Customer: “Why isn’t my lime scanning?”

Me: “Produce items don’t have bar codes on them, ma’am.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: *facepalm*

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Playing Along, Part 2

| Right | April 11, 2008

(I get a call for troubleshooting from a lady who says her remote doesn’t work.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, could you try changing the channel for me? Tell me if a light flashes on the remote.”

Lady: “Okay.”

(There are a few loud beeps from her phone in my ear and she comes back on the line.)

Lady: “Nope, no flashing.”

Me: “Ma’am you’re trying to change the channel with your phone, not the remote control.”

Lady: “I can’t find the clicker, and I know my neighbor changes channels with her phone.”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s just not possible.”

Lady: “Don’t accuse me of lying! I saw her do it with my own eyes.”

Me: “…”

(I try for 10 minutes to explain to her why she can’t use her phone, and even make a futile attempt to troubleshoot her phone.)

Me: “Ok, well it looks like your satellite receiver isn’t compatible with your phone.”

Lady: “Yes it is. My neighbor and I have the same phone and same receiver. NOW HELP ME, DUMBA**!”

Me: “Ma’am, do you have a cordless phone?”

Lady: “Yes!”

Me: “Ok ma’am, let’s try reprogramming your phone. What I need you to do is press and hold the ‘off’ button for five seconds. This will clear the old code, so we can put the new one in.”

Lady: “Ok—” *click*

(I hear my supervisor a few rows away from me bust out laughing.)

 

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Yes, They Really Are That Dumb

| Right | April 10, 2008

(I have a line of guests at the front desk waiting to check in, but I can’t ignore the phone ringing. I saw that it was an inside call from a room and I answer it, hoping this will be quick. I’m used to stupid questions but this was the best.)

Me: “Guest services, how may I help you?”

Guest: “Yes, how do you work the television?”

Me, without missing a beat: “There should be a remote control on the nighttable in between the two beds in your room. On it, there should be a circular orange button that says “POWER”. Push it and the TV should turn on.”

(At this point, the young couple in front of me is laughing.)

Guest: “Okay, what do I do then?”

Me: “Well, once the TV is on, you can push the yellow arrow buttons that say ‘channel’ to find the station you’d like to watch. Would you like to know where the channel listing is in your room?”

Guest: “No, but thanks. I’ll give it a try.”

Me: “My pleasure.” *hangs up*

Young couple, still laughing: “Are you serious?”

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Fatheaded

, , , | Right | April 10, 2008

Customer: “What’s the difference between low-fat and non-fat yogurt?”

Me: “Well, the low-fat has only a small amount of fat whereas the non-fat has none at all.”

Customer: “What’s fat?”

Me: “…”

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