Must Be From The Valley

, , | Right | May 1, 2008

(Let it be known that there are only two ways to get to Catalina Island: by boat or by helicopter.)

Me: “[Hotel]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. And when’s the earliest we can check in?”

Me: “Normally not until noon but we may be able to make an exception. When is your boat scheduled to arrive?”

Customer: “Oh, no, we’re not coming by boat.”

Me: “Okay, helicopter, then?”

Customer: “Oh, no, that’s silly.”

Me: “Well, may I ask how your planning to get here?”

Customer: “Down the 405, duh!”

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t drive to Catalina Island.”

Customer: “You can’t?”

Me: “No, it’s an island. You know, surrounded by water.”

Customer: “Catalina Island is an ISLAND?!”

Me: *headdesk*

 

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Fun With Idle Threats

, , | Right | May 1, 2008

Me: “Good afternoon. Who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s the tenth time I’m calling in! Please just transfer me already.”

Me: “Who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s [Customer]. Now transfer me to the right section.”

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Jesus, are you dumb? I just want you to transfer my call to someone who can actually help me.”

Me: “I’m not transferring your call until you tell me what’s going on, ma’am.”

Customer: “It’s my statement. It’s wrong and I want a refund. Now transfer this call.”

Me: “What’s your cellphone number with the area code?”

Customer: “Just transfer this already. I’m responsible for your paycheck!”

(OH, SNAP!)

Me: “All right. Do you have your statement in your hands?”

Customer: “Yeah. Transfer the call!”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

(Silence.)

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

(Silence.)

Me: “Does it?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “So you have nothing to do with my paycheck, I guess. Plus, you haven’t paid your last one and I still got my paycheck. Now, can I please check some information before transferring the call?”

Customer: *sighs* “Yeah, okay…”

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The Commute Must Be Out Of This World

, | Right | May 1, 2008

(I have just completed a survey with this man and am now asking him for his name, where he lives, age, etc.)

Me: “Okay, I just need to ask you a few questions about your demographics. ”

Man: “Well, would you like like my Earth information or my home planet information?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Man: “Well, like, for example: here on earth, I am 45, but on my home planet, I am 270.”

Me: *not sure if he is serious* “Well, I think that I will take your… Earth… information. It would be most relevant to us.”

Man: “Actually, I think I will give you both, just in case. That way, if you can’t get ahold of me here, you can try me at my home planet. ”

(The man proceeded to give me both sets of information, including his Earth name, Andrew, and his other name… Qinjax.)

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It’s Gonna Be A Looong Day

| Right | May 1, 2008

Me: “What kind of computer do you have?”

Customer: “It’s a Motorola.”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Customer: “I said, it’s Motorola!”

Me: “Okay… are you running Windows?”

Customer: “NO, it’s Vista.”

Me: *long pause* “Oooh-kaaayyy…….”

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It Cuts Both Ways

, | Right | April 30, 2008

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Man: “Yes, I want half of my money back on this camera.”

Me: “I’m sorry? Is there something wrong with it?”

Man: “No, it’s fine. But I want half of my money back.”

Me: “Half of your money? I’m not sure I understand…”

Man: “Look, I bought this camera about six weeks ago, and now it’s on a half price offer. So I want half of my money back.”

Me: “Err, sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

Man: “So get someone who can!”

(I pop off to grab the manager, and explain the situation to him.)

Manager: “Good afternoon, sir. [My Name] has explained your problem to me, and I’m afraid he’s right. We can’t refund this difference to you. The item is on sale now; it wasn’t when you bought it.”

Man: “This is ridiculous! You’re ripping me off! Why won’t you give me my money back?”

Manager: “Let me ask you this: if the camera was now twice as expensive, would you come back here and pay us the extra money?”

Man: “Of course not! I’m not stupid!”

Manager: “And neither am I, sir. Good day!”

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