(It is a slow Wednesday at the grooming salon where I work. A car pulls into the parking lot and a woman gets down and pushes the door.)

Customer: “Oh, good. You’re open.”

Me: “Did you have an appointment?”

Customer: “No, but she’s really sick. I don’t know what to do.”

Me: “Oh, well, we’re not a vet, ma’am.”

Customer: “You’re not?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “But my grandma told me to bring her here. She said you have a vet here.”

Me: “But we don’t.”

Customer: “Well it says on your website that you do!”

Me: “No, we don’t.”

Customer: “Well, it says on your website, so y’all need to change that.”

(I checked the website just in case, even though I already knew it says no such thing, and I was just confused as to where she got this information. I hope her dog was okay because she didn’t seem too bright.)

(I do returns and am waiting for a price check to come back. The elderly women who is next in line thinks the three-minute wait is too much.)

Customer: “What is taking so long?”

Me: “Someone is checking the price on these boots for me, ma’am. It’ll be just a minute.”

Customer: “Well, it’s taking too long. Can’t you just help me?”

Me: “I only have this one register. It will be just a second.”

(It takes maybe another minute. I get the price and start processing the return.)

Customer: “This is taking forever.”

Me: “I am exchanging items for this customer, ma’am. Just be patient.”

Customer: “Could you be any slower?!”

Me: “Probably, ma’am. Would you like to see?”

Customer: “No! I don’t have time to wait in this line!”

Me: “Well, what else would you do in a line? They’re designed to wait in.”

(At this point an assistant manager had come up, laughing, and took the lady to another register to do her return.)

I do the morning show at a radio station. Because we’re in a small town and have a small staff, we close our offices at noon. I give away tickets to a concert that night, and tell the winner that she has to be at the station before noon to pick up the tickets. She says that she can’t make it by noon, but can be there shortly after noon, and asks that we stay open late to accommodate her. I ask her how late she’ll be, and she says just a few minutes after 12:00…12:15 at the latest. Since I can wait around a few minutes, I say we’ll stay open late for her.

12:15. She’s not here yet. 1:00 pm. She’s not here yet. 2:00. She’s not here yet. 3:00. I’m still waiting for her. I’ve also been at work since four am and hadn’t eaten anything all day. I decide to close up for a few minutes and run across the street to the store to grab something. I come back at 3:10 to find an angry note taped to the door. Sure enough, it’s from our contest winner, calling us a bunch of lying SOBs for saying we’d stay open late for and then not doing so, and calling us various other nasty names.

Ever since then, I’ve made no more exceptions for contest winners who’ll be “just a few minutes late.” If you can’t make it by closing time, tough.

(In my line of work, dealing with customers results in us having to answer some questions with really obvious answers with a straight face and a calm, friendly tone. This one that I heard over the headset in the drive-thru, however, really took the cake.)

Customer: “What do you call that cheeseburger with bacon on it? The bacon cheeseburger? For $1.69.”

(She is obviously reading it from our outdoor menu as that is the price.)

Customer: *continued* “Does that have bacon on it?”

(It’s a good thing I wasn’t taking orders that day. My sarcastic reply to a coworker was, “No, we just call it that for the fun of it.”)

(I’m the stupid one in this story. This is from a few years ago, before I knew not to send credit card info by email at all, but this took it a bit further. I’m on the phone with my credit card company’s customer support line:)

Agent: “Thank you for calling [Credit Card Company]. This is [Agent]. May I have your account number?”

(We exchange the account info and I answer the appropriate security questions.)

Agent: “And how may I assist you today?”

Me: “I need to deactivate my card and have a new one issued.”

Agent: “I can certainly help you with that. Was the card lost or stolen?”

Me: “Not exactly…”

Agent: “…?”

Me: “I sent my credit card info by email, but I accidentally hit ‘Reply All.’ So my credit card number, expiration date, and security code got sent to about 150 people.”

Agent: *after ten seconds of silence* “I see. Okay, I have deactivated your card and ordered a replacement. It should arrive in 3-5 business days. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Me: “No, that’s it. Thank you. And thank you for not laughing.”

Agent: “You’re welcome, sir.”