(I work part-time as a volunteer in a clinic, repairing hearing aids. I am shopping in a local store at the weekend, wearing very casual clothing (jeans and a logo t-shirt) when I recognise another customer who is one of my clients. He spots me and comes over.)

Customer: “Hey, don’t you work at [Clinic]?”

Me: “Yes, I do.”

Customer: “Oh, good! I need new tubes for my hearing aids.”

Me: “I… can’t do anything here. You need to come to [Clinic] next week.”

Customer: “Can’t you just give me some tubes?”

Me: “No, sorry. You have to come to the clinic. I can’t do anything right now.”

Customer: “But I just need new tubes…”

Me: “Uh, I don’t actually carry supplies with me. I’m just here shopping.”

Customer: “Oh. I suppose I’ll have to see you next week in [Clinic], then…”

(He walked off, looking most disappointed that I couldn’t just magically produce hearing aid tubes from thin air for him.)

(It is student night at the club I work in and it is a very busy night with a lot of customers surrounding the bar, when I get these two women:)

Me: “What can I get you?”

Customer #1: “Can I get two vodka cokes and two Disaronnos.”

Me: “Is that as a shot or are you wanting them as a mixer?”

Customer #1: “What? No! Just two Disaronnos!”

Me: “Yes, so just in two-shot glasses then?” *smiling at them as best I can*

Customer #2: “Are you stupid?! How many times does she need to say she just wants two Disaronnos!”

Me: “I understand that, what I don’t understand is how she wants me to give her the order. She has the choice of shot glasses, neat on ice, or in a mixer.”

Customer #2: *points at fridge behind the bar* “I guess since you are too stupid to know what alcohol you sell, she wants two bottles of those.”

Me: “Oh! She wants two bottles of Desperados. Sure! I will get them for you now.”

(I go and make the vodka mixers and open the bottles of Desperados, putting a lime in the top of each bottle.)

Customer #1: “Finally you know what Disaronno is! but you do realise that it’s meant to be lemon slices not lime?

Me: I can assure you it is definitely lime, and Disaronno is a liquor, not a beer. Ask for Desperado in the future.”

Customer #2: “I think you will find your pronunciation of the two are wrong.”

Me: “Is there anything else?”

Customer #2: “Yes, we are paying together. Could I get a triple vodka with half Red Bull and half Pepsi in a tall glass?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there is a few problems with your order. Firstly we are not legally allowed to sell triples; I can make you a double and shot of vodka and you can add it to your drink yourself, or you can just have a double. Also we don’t do different sizes of glasses, and if you want a mixture of both Red Bull and Pepsi you will have to pay a lot more.”

Customer #2: “I don’t understand how on Earth you ever got this d*** job. I have never known such badly trained staff. I should be served whatever d*** thing I order!”

Me: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience but I am just making sure I don’t break the law.”

Customer #2: “Forget it, then!”

(I just smiled at the two customers, told them how much their order came to, and let them leave. They proceeded to be rude to every member of bar staff that served them until being thrown out by a bouncer for causing trouble.)

(I work for a PPI (payment protection insurance) claims company. In the UK, this type of company is not well liked due to several of them having aggressive telephone sale pitches in the previous years. However, I work in the processing part of the company and usually only ever speak to people who are already customers. At this time, I have been working for them for about six months. One day I get this call.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] at [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I’ve just been watching TV and a show has just played explaining how awful your company is.”

Me: “Okay, I’m sorry about that, sir. Would you mind giving me a little more detail?”

Caller: *getting more aggressive* “How do you not know about this? They say you cheated a man out of lots of money!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m afraid I don’t know of any case like that. However, I can speak to my manager who has been here longer and may know more.”

Caller: *shouting* “Yes, do that.”

(At this point I put the caller on hold and grab my manager, who then takes the call. At this point I can only hear the manager’s side of the call.)

Manager: “Hello, this is [Manager] at [Company]. I hear you have a complaint?”

(Pause.)

Manager: “Okay, and are you a customer of ours?”

Caller: *loud screaming heard but cannot be made out*

Manager: “Okay, then, in that case I am curious as to why you have called if you are not a customer yourself and have no knowledge of the people involved.”

(Pause.)

Manager: “Actually, I worked on that case myself. The TV show was first aired over a year ago, after the case had been settled to an acceptable end for both ourselves and the client involved.”

Caller: *unintelligible screaming*

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but as you are not a customer of ours, not involved in any way with that case, and because of your treatment during this call, I’m afraid I have to end the call here.” *puts phone down*

(My manager gave me a little more information about the case involved. The case was about two years old and during the processing stage a worker had made a simple mistake. This was not something that really changed the case, only made it take about six months longer. Because of this, the involved customers were given greatly reduced fees and were reasonably happy in the end. The only reason the TV show existed was because someone had told the producers and they had interviewed the customers just after they had been told. They were understandably quite annoyed at the time and so it made for a good show. The man who called us had simply seen this, decided we were all the worst people alive, and wanted to shout at us. We assume he had to have looked up the company separately for our phone number (leading to him getting our section of the company and not the sales team). All so he could shout at strangers.)

(I volunteer with a small cat rescue. Because we have no brick-and-mortar location for adoptions, we place our cats in adoption centers in several chain pet stores. There are spaces for five cats in this store, but there are times when not every space is full, depending on who is ready for adoption. Every Wednesday night, I go in to clean the cages and play with the cats, as a supplement to the care they get from the store employees. Tonight, an employee and friend of mine has stopped in to update me on a food situation, and we get to talking about the kinds of crazy customers a person encounters in a pet store.)

Employee: “I had this one guy… he came in when we only had a few cats in the adoption center. I talked to him about who we had here at the time, but nothing was really matching with the kind of cat he was looking for. I was about to tell him how you guys have a website and other locations, because they always seem surprised that you have more cats in other places, and not just the few they see here. But I never got that far… He asked if we had more cats in the back.”

(I start to laugh.)

Me: “Are you serious?”

Employee: “Yes! Can you imagine? Pallets of cats, all stacked up!”

(After years of retail, I thought I’d heard all of the “magical back” stories, but I guess not!)

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(I am the customer in this story. A well-known cosmetic company is having another blowout sale on its website. It’s a rather inexpensive brand, to begin with, but this sale is amazing, so it’s really busy. Along with this, you can get a $10 gift card and a $30 set of brushes for $3 with a coupon code if you spend over $30. I can’t get the code to work, so I go to the chat function.)

Service Rep: “Hi, my name is [Service Rep], and thank you for choosing [Company]! What can I help you with today?”

Me: “Hi there! I have put the special on the infinite-color kit in my bag along with a setting powder, but when I try to put in the coupon code for the brushes and gift card, it won’t work.”

Service Rep: “I see that your current total in your bag is $36; you need to be over $30 to use the code. So you’re good there! Once you put the brushes in there, it will be over $60, and once you put the code in, you will see the discount.”

Me: “Yes, I have tried the code but it isn’t working.”

Service Rep: “Have you typed in the code correctly?”

(I go and try one more time in another window just to be sure.)

Me: “Yep. I tried just now and the brushes are still not showing up in my bag.”

Service Rep: “Did you actually add the brushes to your bag?”

A lightbulb goes off.

Me: “Oh, dear God. I am that customer. Yes, I thought they would magically appear in my bag. You can feel free to laugh at me now. I am so sorry I wasted your time.”

Service Rep: “It’s not a problem! Trust me, you are not the only one; it seems to be quite complicated.”

Me: “I got it to work now that I put them in the bag. Thank you again, and I hope you have a fantastic day!”

Service Rep: “Thank you for figuring it out so quickly. My day will be awesome in 15 hours, 4 minutes, and 33 seconds. Thanks for choosing [Company]!”

(That time she mentioned was the exact time ticking down in the corner of the screen… of when that promotion would be over.)

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