(Our theater has had assigned seating for over five years. I’m just finishing up a transaction with a customer. Please note that during the duration of the conversation, she remains eerily calm and continuously chuckles and laughs just about every time she speaks.)

Me: “Just let me know where you’d like to sit. The screen in front of you will say which seats are open or not.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “I’m sorry? I just need to know where you’d like to sit. If you look at the screen in front of you…”

Customer: *interrupting* “No.”

Me: “I don’t understand.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Ma’am, we need to know where you’d like to sit.”

Customer: “No. I didn’t have to last time.”

Me: “Oh, did you come in before we started using assigned seating?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “We started this policy about five years ago when we upgraded to luxury recliner seating.”

Customer: “No, you didn’t. Don’t lie.”

Me: “Uh, yes, we did.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Ma’am… yes, we did.”

Customer: “No, you didn’t.”

Me: “Ma’am. Yes, we did. It was hard-programmed into our systems five years ago.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “I really can’t break this policy. I just need to know where you’d like to sit.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Ma’am, I absolutely have to know where you’d like to sit. It’s against company policy to sell you tickets without selecting a seat.”

Customer: *with the smuggest grin you can imagine* “I think you know my answer.”

(I’m starting to think that maybe she came in recently and perhaps a new hire told her contradictory information. I flag down a recently-promoted supervisor, who comes over. I explain the situation.)

Supervisor: “Ma’am, we really do need you to pick a seat. Our systems all run on assigned seating.”

Customer: *sarcastic laugh* “No. I won’t.”

Supervisor: “Then we can’t sell you a ticket.”

Customer: *laughing louder* “Yes, you will. I didn’t have to pick a seat last time. And nobody has ever told me about this policy before.”

Supervisor: “Actually, yes, you were told about this policy. You were in here a month ago and tried to refuse to pick a seat then, too. And you were in here a few months prior and did the same thing. And you’ve done it in the past, as well. You might not remember, but I was still working box at that point, and each of those times I just mentioned, I was the one who helped you, and I explained our seating policy to you each time, and each time I had to call a supervisor to bend over backwards and accommodate you. No more of that. I’ve explained this to you probably a half-dozen times by now. You need to follow the rules.”

Customer: “No, I am not picking a seat!”

Supervisor: “Fine. You either pick a seat, or you leave. No games anymore. Simple as that.”

Customer: “FINE!”

(I am happy to report that not one time since this happened well over six months ago has she given us any more trouble. She finally learned she has to follow the rules, and each time she comes in, she picks a seat without complaint. Just more proof that sometimes, you have to be firm with unreasonable people rather than bending over backwards to the often-false “customer is always right” nonsense.)

(I work at a Chinese restaurant as a manager. A lady is getting a take out order.)

Me: “What kind of sauce would you like?”

Customer: “I would like suicide sauce.”

Me: *confused* “Do you mean soy sauce?”

Customer: *getting upset* “No, I want suicide sauce!”

Me: “We don’t approve of suicide, so if suicide had a sauce we would not obtain it for our customer consumption!”

(The lady thought about the situation and agreed to soy sauce. Now I’m curious if there is something called “suicide sauce“.)

(I work for a store in a well-known chain of drug stores. I am working the front register when a customer comes up and puts down a small bag of nuts and a drink. I have a habit of asking if they would like a bag if their purchase is small or it looks like it will be eaten right away. I ask because we don’t have small bags, just the regular-sized grocery bags. Most customers don’t want to deal with a bag in this situation.)

Me: “Would you like a bag for this?”

Customer: “Well, it’s more than one item, so yeah. Wouldn’t you say?”

Me: *smiles, thinking she’s joking* “You don’t have to have one; it’s really up to you.”

Customer: *straight-faced* “No, it’s not. It’s your job.”

(I bag her items, a little stunned. I’d never had anyone demand a bag.)

Me: “Here you go. Have a nice day!”

Customer: *takes her bag and leaves without saying a word*

(I found out later that the same customer called to complain about me, and claimed I refused to give her a bag. My manager is cool and just laughed it off. I wonder what that customer would do in places like California where, due to a ban on plastic bags, they don’t ever give you a bag!)

(I am waiting in line for my prescription to be ready when I see this take place.)

Cashier: “Sir, we are trying to get a hold of the number on your file, but we are unable to reach them at the moment—”

Customer: “I have been waiting, and you’re letting all these other people go. Call the number again!”

Cashier: “Again, sir, I am sorry. We’ll try the number again and let you know.”

(The cashier goes back to the phone while the customer paces and keeps calling someone.)

Cashier: “Sorry, sir, we are still trying to get a hold of someone on that number, but we’re unable to get through.”

Customer: “Well, this is bulls***. I want your name and the manager’s name.”

(The cashier sends him off with the information and he walks away grumbling. The cashier calls me up and informs me that they are bit behind, but it will be filled shortly.)

Me: “That’s no problem; I can wait.”

Cashier: “You have time to wait?”

Me: “Yeah, I understand, and I am not going to be like that guy. He was just plain rude.”

(We laughed and she walked away with a smile.)

(I working at my friend’s family farm. It’s my second summer on the farm, and I’ve pretty much learned how to run a stand by myself. We have five stands operating in different counties, but I am at the main stand which sees a lot more regular customers than the others, since this stand is more permanent; it’s a building and not a stall in a farmer’s market. One of our “regulars” comes up to me, calm but a little irate.)

Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m here because last week I purchased a watermelon and it didn’t taste good. I’d like a new one.”

Me: *immediately apologetic, because while the pickers do a good job sorting and hauling the watermelons, and I do a good job grading them, sometimes things get missed in the shuffle* “I’m so sorry! Was it rotten, or not ripe enough?”

Customer: “No. It wasn’t rotten, and it was ripe, but it didn’t taste good. I have been a loyal customer here for years, and I deserve a free watermelon!”

Me: “Wait, let me get this straight. The watermelon was perfectly fine, but you didn’t like how it tasted?”

Customer: “Exactly, yes. So I should get a free one.”

Me: “Ma’am, we’re taught how to check for ripeness, or signs it’s gone bad, but there is literally no way to tell how a watermelon, or any fruit tastes before you cut it open. I’m not allowed to give out free things unless the produce you originally bought was bad.”

Customer: “I’ve known your boss for years! I’ve been a loyal customer here, and I deserve a free watermelon.”

Me: *quickly losing patience* “Let me just call my boss and see what she says.”

(This woman proceeds to talk at me the entire time I’m dialing and speaking with my boss, who runs the farm and clearly has better things to do. My boss reiterates the policy and finally informs me this woman is not getting a free watermelon just because she didn’t like how hers tasted.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but my boss said I can’t give you a free watermelon. Perhaps a discount?”

Customer: “I don’t want a discount. I should get a free watermelon!”

Me: *firmly* “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Customer: *with a pitying expression* “Then your boss just lost a loyal customer.”

Me: “Bye-bye, then!”