I am waiting in line in a supermarket. Ahead of me is a guy currently paying for his groceries, and a group of three teenage boys who are of that age where they’re trying to be cool and tough in front of each other.

Teenager #1: “Eww, bruv, this [gay slur] is buying some tampons!”

Teenager #2: “Eww, sick man!”

Teenager #1: *To the customer* “Bruv, your woman got you buying her s***, yeah? She the man, yeah?”

I am about to speak up when the customer turns to face all three boys and says:

Customer: “I understand why it’s gross for you to think about periods. I’m sure all your mothers prayed for their periods, and they got you instead.”

The boys were silent a moment, and then threw in some weak comebacks that didn’t go very far. They left their items behind and stormed out. At least they had enough intelligence to know they were beat.

My coworker and I work at a supermarket in a village where most people are extremely religious. I am the manager, watching this discussion between my coworker, who has a rainbow pride flag badge on her, and an old lady.

Coworker: “…and your total will be £13.57, madam.”

Old Lady: “Oka—” *Screams* “No! I will not be served by a devil follower!”

Coworker: *Confused* “Madam, I will have to ask you to stop shou—”

Old Lady: “Shut up, you little devil b****! Get me your manager!”

Me: “No need, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

Old Lady: “This [Indian racial slur] is a disgrace to your store! She is a lesbian! She is a sin and will burn in eternal Hell! Fire her right now or I will tell God about it!”

Me: “Ma’am, not that it matters, but my coworker is not gay. Second of all, I will have to ask you to leave now before I call security for your language and rudeness to my staff. Get out.”

Old Lady: “She has a f****** devil badge on her! Of course, she is! And I am one of your regular customers! If you don’t fire her, you will lose a paying customer and you will burn in the eternal flame of Hell like she will!”

Me: “She supports gay rights; it doesn’t mean she’s gay. I support animal rights, but do I look like a f****** alpaca to you?!”

The lady turned red in the face and continued swearing at me and my coworker. Then, she took a vase off a shelf and threw it at her, but a man watching caught it in his hands. He grabbed her by the arm and took her to security. She left screaming and being violent but no one was hurt, luckily.

I am a volunteer at an international dog show. I’m working on the door checking papers for the competing dogs and selling tickets. There are several hundred dogs signed up from every breed there is.

Attendee: “We’ve come to see our friend show his dog. Can you tell us which ring he’s in?”

Me: “No problem. What kind of dog does he have?”

I have a programme so I can find out what ring from the breed.

Attendee: “It’s at eleven.”

Me: “There are several different breeds showing at eleven. What dog does he have?”

There are eight rings with at least two breeds scheduled at eleven in each.

Attendee: “It’s Dixie.”

Me: “I’m not familiar with that breed. Let me look it up.”

She is getting even more impatient as it’s minutes until eleven.

Attendee: “It’s at eleven and it’s Dixie.”

Me: “I can’t find a Dixie.”

Attendee: “The dog is called Dixie.”

Me: “Well, I need to know its breed to find out where it is.”

She looks at me like I’m crazy.

Attendee: “It’s Dixie. She’s a Cottondetully thingy.”

I look through the book and find Coton de Tulear.

Me: “Okay, ring seven.”

Attendee: “Finally!”

About ten minutes before closing, a youngish guy walks into the store, grabs some items, and comes to me to pay. It is 2013.

Customer: “Can I get a discount?”

Me: “Do you have a student card, sir?”

Customer: “No, I want an employee discount.”

Me: “Do you work here, sir?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Then I can’t give you the employee discount.”

Customer: “What if I said the owner was my wife?”

Me: “Unless the owner has had a complete sex change in the last two hours, the owner is not your wife.”

Customer: “What if I was Barack Obama’s brother?”

Me: “Sir, I’m pretty sure that Obama’s siblings would be people of colour. You are white.”

Customer: “You didn’t let me finish. I’m his brother-in-law.”

Me: *Raises eyebrow* “My previous answer still stands, sir.”

Customer: “Well, you should give it to me anyway. I’m important to the president.”

Me: “Good for you, sir. £8.40, please.”

Customer: “Why don’t you care more that I’m important to the president?”

Me: “Because he has no power over me or the store.”

Customer: “He is the president!”

Me: “So?”

Customer: “He is in control of everything.”

Me: “Only in the USA, sir.”

The customer gives me a blank look.

Me: “You are in England, sir. In the UK, not the USA.”

Customer: “Oh… okay, then.”

He gives me £10.

Customer: “Keep the change.”

I’m working at a fast food restaurant known for having just about every flavor and drink combination possible. While taking an order:

Me: “Welcome to [Fast Food Place]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Uh, well…. Hmm. I want…”

Me: *After a few seconds* “I’m sorry, what can I get for you?” 

Customer: “Uh… a hot dog.”

Me: “Sure thing. What kind of hot dog would you like?”

Customer: “Uh. Hmmm. I want…”

I am exasperated but try not to show it.

Me: “We have [four options]. [Fourth option] comes in a foot-long or six-inch.” 

Customer: “Oh. Uh. I’ll have [fourth option].” 

Me: “All righty. Would you like the foot-long or six-inch?”

Customer: “Regular.” 

Me: “Okay, so the six-inch, right? Did you want the combo?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: *After waiting a bit* “The combo comes with [list of sides] and a drink. Which would you like?”

Customer: “[Side].”

Me: “Okay, and what did you want to drink?”

Customer: “Oh. Uh… what?”

Me: “Your drink. What did you want to drink?” 

Customer: “Uh… well… umm… hmm.”

Me: *Now fed up* “Would you like…”

I start listing sodas. I get up to ten before he chooses.

Customer: “Oh, do you have [very first drink I named]?

Me: *Deep breath* “Yes.”

I repeat the order back to him. He suddenly starts screaming.

Customer: “No! I want the foot-long! I told you I wanted the regular! The foot-long!”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

I start the order over.

Me: “Your total is [total]; have a nice day.” 

Customer: *Ranting* “F****** finally!”

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About A Foot Away From A Total Meltdown