Natural Selection In Action

, | | Right | April 1, 2008

(A man walks in and is very excited about getting a cheese steak.)

Customer: “Let me get everything on that, but no tomatoes!”

Me: “Don’t worry, it doesn’t come with tomatoes.”

Customer: “Good! No tomatoes though, man. Absolutely no tomatoes! I’m allergic to tomatoes, man.”

Me: “Not a problem.”

Customer: “Good. Just make sure there’s no tomatoes ’cause I’m really allergic to them and I could die. If you put tomatoes on there it will kill me!”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “Now let me get extra ketchup.”

Me: “…”

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Racism Rears Its Ugly Head, Gets Decapitated

, | | Right | March 31, 2008

(Working at a sandwich place across the street from my college campus. One of my Spanish professors enters, and we chat in Spanish as I make her food. Another man comes in while we’re chatting, and stares at us.)

Customer: “What the hell? Don’t you dare coddle that job-stealing Mexican!”

Me: “Sir, that woman is a Ph.D. I can guarantee you, she did not steal your job. Oh, and she’s from New York. Can I take your order?”

Customer: *storms out*

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Gotta Love Them DIY ‘Puters

, , , , | | Right | March 31, 2008

(I was working in warranties for a large computer manufacturer, mostly with businesses but a few individuals came through on the line here and there.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My computer don’t work.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Can I get the serial number off of your CPU?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “The computer tower.”

Customer: “Huh?”

(I’ll spare you the agony but, I went on for about three more minutes trying to describe the CPU and getting nowhere.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be expressing myself well today. Can you describe to me all the computer parts on your desk? I’ll tell you which one the number I need is on.”

Customer: “It’s just a keyboard and a screen, like any other computer.”

Me: “Oh, you have a laptop!”

Customer: “A what?”

Me: “A little computer you can take with you. The keyboard and screen fold together with a hinge in the middle, right?”

Customer: “No, I don’t! I don’t know what is wrong with you computer people today. First the sales guy tries to sell me a bunch of sh*t I don’t need in this big box package and now you don’t even know what a computer is! Brand new today and it don’t even work.”

Me: “So… you just bought a keyboard and a monitor?”

Customer: “What’d I need all the rest uh’ that sh*t in the box for? This was way cheaper! I ain’t stupid!”

Me: “…”

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Coworkers: They Make Life Worth Living

| | Right | March 31, 2008

Tourist: “I saw a sign that said historic downtown, what’s down there?”

(To the best of my knowledge, no such sign exists so I’m already confused.)

Me: “Uh, a few churches and shops.”

Tourist: “Oh, how do I get to the lighthouse?”

Me: “You go through downtown.”

Tourist: “I don’t want to go through downtown!”

Me: “Sorry, but that’s how you get there.”

Tourist: “Is there another way to get there?”

Annoyed coworker: “You could fly there on your broom!”

(The tourist looks shocked and storms out.)

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When Mood Swings Attack, Part 2

, | | Right | March 30, 2008

(Backstory: A woman orders a Reuben sandwich and returns to the counter 30 minutes later with about a fourth of the sandwich eaten.)

Woman: “I want to speak to your manager right now!”

Crew member: “Sure, no problem.” *goes and gets manager*

Manager: “Hi, what can I do for you today?”

Woman: “Yeah, I got this Reuben at 4 pm and it’s SOGGY!”

Manager: “Well, ma’am, you purchased it half an hour ago…”

Woman: “Well, I want a new one!”

Manager: *hoping to get the looney out of the store* “Sure, no problem.”

(Suddenly, the woman goes from angry to flat-out crazy.)

Woman: “HERE’S YOUR DELICIOUS REUBEN!” *rubs sauce on counter and throws part of sandwich at manager*

Manager: *dumbfounded*

Woman: “I’m sorry… it’s not your fault.”

Manager: “…It’s alright…”

Woman: *thinks for a second, then throws remaining sandwich bits at manager*

(We all laughed quite hysterically, and our manager walked around with reuben sauce on his crotch all day.)

 

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