In 1991 I worked for the summer at a local dealer in the service department. Lots of stupid customers.

One evening, just as the sun is going down, a lady who has bought a new Chevy S-10 Blazer comes to the service desk and she is mad. Her complaint is that the dash lights are not working, and she is ranting about how this was ridiculous on a new vehicle.

My manager, who is familiar with this customer, walks out to the vehicle, reaches in through the open window, and turns the dimmer knob. Wow, dash lights! She says not a word, not even thanks, and gets in the Blazer and drive away.

Not a week later, she’s back. No sound coming from the right-side speakers. And she was again ranting, this time to other customers, about the crap Chevy she had bought. Again, my manager walks out to the vehicle and turns the balance knob for the stereo. One of the other customers chuckled loudly, she turned red as a beet, got in the Blazer, and left the parking-lot with squealing rubber. Her husband brought the Blazer in for service after that.

(I used to manage a high-end fashion store. There are many branches across the UK. A customer approaches me, one who I have had no previous communication with.)

Customer: *holds up non-descript ladies top* “Is this the one my friend saw and liked at [Other Store in Nearby City]?”

Me: *attempting to use psychic ability* “I couldn’t possibly know. What did she say it looked like?”

Customer: “She didn’t. Just that she saw a top she liked in your store.”

Me: “I really can’t help you. You will have to ask your friend.”

Customer: *walks away deflated*

(I wondered if all retail workers are meant to have supernatural abilities, or whether she thought it was just me?)

(I work at an airport in New York City. A customer approaches, looking confused after looking over the arriving flights monitor.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sir?”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “What’s the difference between ‘Landing’ and ‘Landed’?”

(My mum is the bad customer in this story. This takes place back in ‘80s before I was born. My mum is saying goodbye to a then-boyfriend at an airport, in a very inappropriate public display of affection. They are passionately kissing with my mum straddled across his lap; they can barely take their hands off each other, groping, grabbing, etc. Eventually they pull themselves apart and she goes to the check in. In her defence, mum has always had a wicked sense of humour.)

Air Hostess: *while at boarding gate* “So, saying goodbye to a loved one?”

Mum: “Yeah, that was my brother.”

Air Hostess: *literally jumps and stares at my mum in horror*

(Mum said she hoped one day the hostess realised she was joking.)

(I’m stocking when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, this is going to sound stupid, but you know how there are cleaners with ammonia in them? Can you buy just the ammonia and do you sell it?”

Me: “You absolutely can and we absolutely do.”

(I take her to chemicals and point out the ammonia.)

Customer: “Oh, thank you!”

Me: “You’re welcome.” *joking while laughing* “Just don’t mix it with bleach.”

Customer: *looks at me wide eyed* “Why?”

Me: “Because you’ll create mustard gas and it will kill you.”

Customer: “Oh.”

(She stood there looking at the ammonia and I walked to the next aisle. Two seconds later she left without buying anything.)