(I work a phone line that deals with online issues for a national company.)

Caller: “Hi. I registered for an online account, and now when I go on to register its telling me there’s an issue.”

Me: “Okay. Just so I understand, you’ve registered online, and then you’ve tried to do it again.”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “It won’t let you register because you’re already registered. You need to select login.”

Caller: “Oh. Okay.”

Customer: “[Brand Rum] and coke, please.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t have [Brand Rum], but we do have another really nice white rum.”

Customer: “Rum? I don’t want rum; I want [Brand Rum].”

Me: “Well, [Brand Rum] is rum and the other one we have is very nice.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want any of that fake stuff. I’ll have a [Brand Rum Flavor] and coke instead.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t have [Brand Rum flavor], but we do have another really lovely coconut rum.”

Customer: “No [Brand Rum flavor]? What sort of bar is this?!”

Me: “A good one.”

Customer: “Hmph!” *storms out*

Related:
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 3
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 2
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World

(My coworker is skinny and small, but is not afraid to stand up to anyone.)

Me: *to manager* “Where’s [Coworker]? Is he sick?”

Manager: “No… he got attacked by some customers yesterday.”

Me: “What?!”

Manager: “Yeah, a bunch of drunk roughnecks were pulling the plants outside out of their pots and tipping the soil out. He told them to stop and they stuffed him into a pot instead.”

(The decorative plants are in pots big enough to hold a man, so this is entirely possible.)

Me: “Ohmigosh… Well, I hope they got arrested.”

Me: “They did… eventually.”

(The kicker was that those roughnecks were guests staying here and they complained to corporate and got a free certificate! My coworker soon quit, and I don’t blame him.)

(My roommate works for a popular shoe store in a strip mall. Today an elderly woman came into the store and had a few questions for him.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sir?”

Roommate: “Hello, ma’am, what can I do for you today?”

Customer: “Do people in Africa wear shoes?”

Roommate: *stunned silence for a moment* “Er, yes, they wear shoes in Africa.”

Customer: “It just doesn’t seem like a custom they would recognize.” *returns to her shopping*

(He had to take his break early just to process what had happened!)

(I have often read about the scam where the scammer claims that they paid with a $20 note, when in fact they only paid with a $10 note. This customer tried to pull the scam on me, but because this is in Canada, he never stood a chance.)

Me: “That’ll be $5.65 please.”

Customer: *hands me $10*

Me: “And here’s your change.”

Customer: “Er… you didn’t give me enough. I paid $20, not $10.”

Me: “Sir, I can guarantee you, with no doubt, that you gave me a $10, and you are trying to scam me.”

Customer: “What? How dare you! Do you know who I am?!”

Me: “Apparently somebody who has yet to notice that banknotes are colour-coded. The bill you gave me was PURPLE. It was $10.”

Customer: “…I’m colour-blind?”

Me: “I’m not. Take your change and leave.”