Fowl Behavior

| | Right | April 16, 2008

(I work in an upscale grocery store deli. Sometimes we run out of rotisserie chickens before the next batch is done cooking. A woman comes up to the counter holding a grocery basket.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Do you have any chickens?”

Me: “I’m sorry but it looks like we are out right now. It’s going to be about 10 to 15 minutes.”

Customer: *throws her basket down onto the floor hard enough that it slides about 7 feet and quickly stomps out the nearest door*

Me: “!?”

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Just Shut Up And Watch Your Movie

| | Right | April 16, 2008

(A customer walks up to the movie theater concession stand.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a cinnamon pretzel, please.”

Me: “We don’t have any of those prepared right now, so it will be about five minutes. Is that ok?”

Customer, pointing to the display case of pretzels: “Why can’t I have one of those?”

Me: “Oh, those are just for display. They’re covered in chemicals and have been there for ages.”

Customer: “So they’re not real pretzels?”

Me: “No, they’re real pretzels, just not really edible.”

Customer: “Well, you shouldn’t have them out if people can’t get them.”

Me: “We put the display case out so people can see what they’re like.”

Customer: “I still don’t understand why you have fake pretzels out instead of real ones.”

Me: “Look, even if you could eat those pretzels, look at the case; there’s no way to open it!”

Customer: “Fine. It still seems stupid to have fake pretzels.”

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There Is No Spoon

, , , | | Right | April 16, 2008

(I am called back by the pharmacist to assist with a verbally abusive customer. The more the lady yells, the louder her kid cries. None of the other customers in line behind her can get to the register. )

Me: “How may I help you?”

Lady: “It’s about time you got back here to straighten this out! This s***-head won’t give me a medicine spoon!”

Pharmacist: “I’m sorry, I’ve tried to explain that we are all out of the complimentary spoons.”

Lady: “If my daughter ends up getting an overdose of her medicine, I’m going to sue you!”

(I roll my eyes and walk over to a display of dosing spoons, selecting one we sell for 99 cents.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry we don’t have any of the free ones. Let me buy this one for you.”

Lady: “What? Do I look like a welfare mother to you? I don’t need your f****** charity!”

Pharmacist: “You don’t need the spoon either. Those are chewable tablets.”

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A Simple Go To H*ll Would Have Sufficed

, , , | | Right Romantic | April 16, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Direct Sales]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I need a power cord for my product.”

Me: “I would be happy to place your order. I just need you to read me the three numbers from the front of the product.”

Caller: “Talk to my wife, I can’t read…”

(In the background, I overhear the following…)

Caller: “Get on the phone!”

Caller’s Wife: “You are Satan! When spiritual warfare happens, I will have more angels on my side because you are evil and no one loves you!”

(The wife then comes on the phone and very calmly gives me the number, her address, credit card info and then hangs up.)

 

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Must Be From Orange County

, | | Right | April 15, 2008

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “What time does the island close?”

Me: “Close? It doesn’t close. It isn’t like Disneyland, sir. People live here.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve been walking around, and those houses are too small for anyone to live in.”

Me: “Sir, I live in one of those houses.”

Customer’s Wife: “No, honey, she can’t break character.” *winks at me* “I get it.”

Customer: “But really, when do you close?”

Me: “I’m not ‘in character.’ This is an actual town, with actual people living in it. It doesn’t close.”

Customer’s Wife: “Don’t treat us like we’re children. Just tell us when.”

Me: *sigh* “Five o’clock, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

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