(I work the graveyard shift in a large, customer service call center for a national bank. For last break, several of us try to take break at the same time. I am on a particularly frustrating call while my coworkers tap their feet waiting for me. I explain for the umpteenth time what the customer has to do to solve their problem and hurry up to end the long frustrating phone call. We go to break but another worker has a doozy of a story so I do not get to tell mine until we are walking back in. I am complaining about the woman while I picked up my headset.)

Customer On The Headset: “Do you always talk about your customers that way?”

Me: “Oh, dear Lord. Hello? I am so, so, so, sorry! You heard that? See, it has been a bad night and we were on break. I was not on the clock—” *babbling a mile a minute panicked*

Customer: *starts laughing* “It’s fine! I worked in retail so I understand. You didn’t say any personal info so no harm done. You guys must have really good headsets. I heard you all the way back in. Don’t worry, I won’t say anything, I understand the need to vent. But turn your equipment off next time!”

Me: “I cannot thank you enough! Now if you would be so patient as to let me log into my computer, I will be more than happy to help with whatever you need. You need a kidney tonight? You got one!”

(We both laughed. Lady just needed to see if a deposit posted at midnight. Thank you for making my night! I could have been fired!)

(I was a waitress in a popular Mexican chain. One particularly rude and obnoxious business woman always comes in for lunch at least once a week with a different companion each time. She orders the same thing each time.)

Customer #1: “I want a [Soda] with lemon. Bring one right away and bring a second a few minutes later. I am thirsty but I don’t want the ice to melt. Then I want low fat chicken enchiladas. They are low fat, right?” *she asks this every single time* “Good, I am on a diet. I don’t want the rice or refried beans. They are too fattening. I want all corncake instead. Oh, and I want a side of sour cream and a side of guacamole. You better not charge me for it. They don’t charge me because I am a regular.”

Me: “Ma’am. I waited on you last week and the week before. You had this discussion with the manager. Guacamole is an extra charge.”

Customer #1: “Fine! But it is coming out of your tip! Now you heard me! All corncake! Right?”

Me: “I should let you know since you said you were on a diet. The corncake is really normally just a little item as a treat. It is insanely high in fat. It is probably 80% butter. In one pan this big—” *I show with my hands* “—we use eight huge sticks of butter. The rice is extremely low fat and very healthy.”

Customer #1: “Oh, no! I don’t care. I love that corncake! I come here just for that!”

Me: “We will prepare your order as you like. And what may I get for you today?” *I turn to her companion who has been studying the menu like she is trying to pass the bar*

Customer #2: “I don’t understand any of this. It all looks so foreign. I’ll just have exactly what she is having. Exactly. Oh but no cheese on the enchiladas.”

Me: “What about inside? Since they have no sauce, without cheese, they will be very dry, I am afraid.”

Customer #2: “Oh, my God, they have cheese inside, too? I don’t want cheese anywhere on my plate! Not a shred! Or I won’t pay! I’ll scream if there is one bit of cheese on my plate!”

(Knowing I am not getting a tip anyway — she always pays and only leaves the coins from the change, never a bill, no matter how good the service is — I confirm first the customer is not allergic; she just really hates cheese.)

Me: “Ma’am, if you hate cheese so much, may I ask why you came to a Mexican restaurant? We put cheese in everything. Heck, there is at least a pound of cheese in the [Soda]s I am about to bring you.”

Customer #2: *literally screaming* “OH, MY GOD… WHY WOULD YOU PUT CHEESE IN [SODA]S? WHAT KIND OF SADISTIC B******S ARE YOU?”

(To her credit, her companion thought this was hilarious and helped me calm her friend down and explain to her we did not, in fact, put cheese in the soft drinks. She also left me a whole dollar and the coins on their $28 check.)

This story is part of the Mexican Restaurant roundup!

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(The metro stations in town are going renovations and are closed for the weekends for the following month. Despite multiple posted messages I find people keep trying to board the train station near my home. I’m on the adjacent street when I hear a woman screaming on the platform.)

Woman: “Where is the f****** train! I’ve been waiting for a god-d***d hour! Stupid workers should all be fired!”

(Before I can do anything I hear the intercom turn on.)

Intercom: “Ma’am, I have already instructed you, the stations are closed and will be closed until Monday. You have to take the shuttle at [Nearby Bus Stop] to the nearest active platform.”

Woman: *shouting at intercom speaker* “F*** you, you stupid b****! If the station was closed they would have said something about it! I’m not leaving until you bring the train here!”

(From the street I could see that the ticket machines were bolted closed, the meter readers covered with orange safety hoods, and a pair of signs at the entrance saying the station was closed. The woman had walked by all of this seemingly without noticing anything amiss. Amazingly, she took another 20 minutes of convincing before finally leaving the train station.)

(Our store sells firearms. Among my duties, I am part of the Risk Management (safety) and Loss Prevention teams. If a manager is not around or an unusual situation arises, coworkers often run to me. One runs up, breathlessly.)

Coworker: “You need to come up front right now. There is a guy with a rifle!”

Me: “I will go, but you need to go get a store manager. Now.”

Coworker: “They are all in a meeting. They only left [Department Manager] in charge.”

Me: “Go to the meeting room. Open the door. Tell them it is a code red to the front.”

(We don’t have a code for this but red will bring them running. Keep in mind, there is a large sign on the door, and it is well known, that if you need to bring a firearm in for a return, a manager must hold the firearm while it is in the store unless you have a license. I find the guy who looks really ticked off and go up to him.)

Me: “Hello, sir! If you have a license, you are welcome to bring your side-arms in the store; however, rifles must be carried by a manager while in the store. You may step back outside, or I can hold it for you. A manager is already on the way to help you.”

(The man ignores me. He is looking at some end cap. I repeat myself and he starts to walk further in the store. I block his way.)

Customer: “Get the f*** out of my way!”

(He is now carrying the rifle in one hand and waving it around. He is NOT carrying it like a normal, sane person would.)

Me: “Sir, I would be happy to assist you. Please point the gun at the floor. Look around. People are scared. We just want to be safe. Do you want ammunition for the gun?”

(The customer starts screaming profanities. Everyone up front is staring in shock. No one is getting checked out. I am signaling for everyone to clear out as this guy is not right. I keep babbling and dancing in front of him for what seems like an eternity but is really only a minute or two until our very capable store manager and assistant store manager came running up. They immediately see the situation and hear him screaming.)

Assistant Store Manager: “Get everyone out of here. Now.”

(He and the store manager started to talk to the man who managed to scream even louder and come up with new profanities. I started to get everyone at the front end away towards the entrance doors. Of course, we had those in the middle of checking out that did not want to leave their stuff. I was not very nice to those. I was just herding the last stragglers when someone in front of me screamed. I turn and look back to see the two managers had tackled the man to the floor. It was a pretty good fight but the one manager was not small and the other was wiry. They literally sat on him until the police came. Turned out the guy just wanted a scope for his rifle. He had bought one and it didn’t fit so he wanted to bring the rifle in to make sure it fit right, which is not an unusual request at our store. He was not a felon but he was on probation for, you guessed it, assault, so he violated his parole and got sent back to jail. He also tried to sue us for the bruises he got from the managers!)

(My coworker takes this call towards the end of the day:)

Coworker: “Thank you for calling [Newspaper]. [Coworker] speaking. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I have a question. Can you help me?”

Coworker: “I’ll try. What is your question?”

Caller: *in a very snippy tone* “Well, THANK YOU very much!” *hangs up*

Coworker: “What just happened?”