(I’ve just started a shift running the self-checkouts. One of our six machines is having problems dispensing money, so we have a huge sign in bright clear letters that reads “Debit/Credit Only — No Cashback” covering the bill and coin acceptors. At this point, only two machines are being used by customers. Another customer arrives.)

Customer: *walks up to the broken machine, stares at the sign, and then after a long moment turns to me* “So, does this machine take cash?”

Me: *blinks* “No?”

Customer: *as if they expected a different answer* “Oh.” *looks around in confusion before settling on using one of the other free machines*

Me: *in a whisper to my coworker* “Should I expect a lot of this today?”

Coworker: *nods*

(I work for a pizza place in a city as a delivery driver. We have a 30 minute policy that if we’re 30 minutes late, the delivery is free. I have to take a delivery across the whole city. As I arrive in the neighborhood, it doesn’t appear nice, and neither does the lady at the house I’m delivering to.)

Customer: “Jesus f****** Christ, there you are! We’ve been waiting for a f****** hour now!”

Me: *takes out phone to check time* “Ma’am, it’s only been 27 minutes; you need to pay for the pizza. The total comes to—”

Customer: “Excuse me? B****, I’m not paying for no god-d*** pizza! You’re late; we get the food for free.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but I can’t give you the pizza until you pay me.”

Customer: “How much is the charge?”

Me: “$67.84.”

(She ordered a lot of large pizzas, expecting me to be late.)

Customer: “No. No f****** way I’m paying some dumb b**** for some overcharged pizzas.”

Me: *takes out phone* ” Look, it’s now only been 29 minutes, and I came here two minutes ago, ma’am, so please pay or you won’t get any pizza.”

Customer: *grabs my phone and throws it as hard on the ground as she possibly can and proceeds to stomp on it* “I don’t see no f****** time. All I see is your destroyed property on my porch! Now, give me my f****** pizzas!”

Me: “You will NEVER get these pizzas, you hear me? NEVER! Because all you do is act like a f****** jackass. This isn’t a zoo, is it? NO, IT’S A F****** HOUSE. And guess what? This whole conversation is being recorded!”

 (I had opened the Voice Memo app on my iPod while she destroyed my flip phone. I went back to the restaurant and talked with the manager. I played the conversation and he listened intently. A week after the incident, the horrid customer was arrested for stabbing a delivery driver who didn’t bring her a Coke.)

(My store has recently started a new “Store Pick-Up” option where customers can order items online and then pick them up at a local location the same day. Corporate is running several different sales that can only be applied to these online transactions. This is turning into a problem since many customers see the low prices online and get angry when they come into the store and see a higher price tag. A customer calls me over and starts to complain about this discrepancy. I explain the special sale, but she isn’t having it.)

Customer: “So there’s nothing you can do for me?”

Me: “There’s actually a lot we can do! We can process your purchase online using the store computer and it can be ready for you, at the sale price, in about 10 to 20 minutes.”

Customer: “20 minutes?!”

Me: “Yes, that’s one option. If that doesn’t sound good, remember that this sale will be going on for a few weeks. You’re welcome to go home, purchase as much as you’d like online, and then pick it up the next time you’re in town.”

Customer: “Why can’t you just go up to the register and give me this price today? You’re going to lose a lot of business this way!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this sale is specifically meant to encourage people to shop online and use the in-store pick up. I’m not allowed to manually adjust any of the prices to this level.”

Customer: “So there’s nothing you can do for me?”

Me: “Ma’am… there are still several ways that we can get you this sale. We can use a store computer and process an online order within about 10 minutes, or you can put in the order at your leisure and pick it up another time. Are you interested in doing either of those?”

Customer: “Just change the price for me at the register; I want these items right now.”

Me: “I can’t do that, I’m afraid. These prices are only for people who use the online ordering system.”

Customer: “So there’s nothing you can do for me?”

Me: *facepalm*

(When I am just starting out as a DJ, I work a charity event for free for a church that my friend works for. The event is supposed to end at 1:00 am. At about 1:05, when the last song is fading out, a guest approaches me.)

Guest: “Do you have [Obscure Song]?”

Me: “No.”

Guest: “What kind of DJ are you?”

Me: “One that travelled from [City five hours away] to do this event for free.”

(I’m taking the payment for a reservation a customer just made.)

Me: “Okay, I just need to get that three-digit code on the back of your credit card.”

Customer: “Where is that?”

Me: “There should be two sets of numbers after your signature. I need the second set of digits.”

Customer: “I didn’t sign my card. Where would it be, then?”