If By “Everyone”, You Mean Morons Like Yourself

| Right | February 1, 2008

Customer: “I got just back from my vacation and all of a sudden my internet connection isn’t working anymore. Have you got a technical problem in my area or something.”

Me: “No ma’am, as far as I know there aren’t any problems at this moment. Can you check which status lights are burning on your modem?”

(Now this is a standard check we do to troubleshoot; it’s very easy to tackle when something’s going wrong.)

Customer: “Alright, well, all lights are off. Are you sure there couldn’t be a problem on your side?”

Me: “No miss, there aren’t any problems. I checked it when you were checking the status lights. But they were all off, you said?”

Customer: “Yeah, there wasn’t a light burning on my modem. What could that mean?”

Me: “Well, that could mean two things: Either the modem is broken or…”

Customer: “No, it can’t be broken, it’s almost brand new! You just want me to buy a new one so that it’s not your problem anymore, am I right?”

Me: “Well, to be honest: You’re not. I didn’t even finish my sentence yet. I said the modem COULD be broken, and if it’s broken and still brand new you’ll get a new one. The problem could also be that the power plug isn’t connected to the outlet properly. Maybe you’ve forgotten to plug it in after you came home from your holiday?”

Customer: “Are you implying that I’m so dumb that I’d forget that? It’s just broken so send me a new one!”

Me: “No, I’m not. But could you please check it, just to be sure?”

Customer: “Alright then…”

(After a minute.)

Customer: “Yeah, you were right, it wasn’t connected. But I’m sure this could happen to everyone!”

Me: “I suppose so. Have a nice day!”

1 Thumbs
1,912

Customer: Impossible

| Right | February 1, 2008

Old man: “I need a new phone! But I don’t want all those fancy bells and whistles on it!”

Me: “Ok, well we have some more basic phones over–”

Old man: “No I don’t want caller ID!”

Me: “Hmm…well all the phones we carry have caller ID on them. It’s a pretty standard feature nowadays.”

Old man: “Yeah but I don’t have that service, so I’d just be wasting my money on a feature I don’t use!”

(This sort of this goes on for about 10 minutes. At one point another customer enters the aisle doing her own shopping. He looks over my shoulder and yells to her “Go find someone else! He’s helping me right now!”)

(Finally he decides on a phone…)

Old man: “Does this one have a wall mount?”

Me: “Yes sir, it’s wall mountable.”

Old man: “Show me!”

Me: “We can’t really open product-”

Old man: “No, show me!”

(I think, “Screw it,” and open the box and take everything out to show him)

Me: “See? Wall mounts.”

Old man: “Ok fine, I’ll take it.”

(I spend 10 minutes trying to get the freaking phone back in the box exactly how it was packaged, which is a lot harder than it sounds.)

Me: “Ok…here you go.”

Old man: “No, I don’t want that one, it’s been opened!”

(I nearly beat him to death with his cane.)

1 Thumbs
3,610

Suddenly, I Feel Very Sorry For Her Child

, , , , | Right | February 1, 2008

Woman: Excuse me, I’ve lost my child somewhere in the store.

Me: “Okay. I’ll get someone right away.”

(I call in a code yellow.)

Me: “Okay, how old is your child?”

Woman: “She’d just turned three. Oooh, what if she’s been kidnapped?”

Me: “Don’t worry; I’m sure that’s not the case.”

(Security comes up to talk to her and she turns around.)

Security: “Ma’am, how many children do you have?”

Woman: “Just one. Why?”

Security: “Because your child is on your back.”

(She was wearing one of those harnesses.)

1 Thumbs
4,990

Singleminded

, | Right | January 31, 2008

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah I’d like a pound of cajun chicken.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir but we don’t carry cajun chicken, would you like some buffalo chicken in substitute?”

Customer: “Which cajun chicken do you have?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir but we don’t serve cajun chicken.”

(My night manager is standing next to me. This guy goes on three more times, calm as can be, demanding cajun chicken.)

Manager: “Sir…we don’t…would you like the santa fe chicken?”

Customer: “I’d like the cajun chicken, where is your cajun chicken?”

Me: *palmface*

Manager: *slices santa fe chicken and wishes him a nice day*

1 Thumbs
1,291

Breaking The Terms of Service, LA-Style

, , , , | Right | January 31, 2008

(A customer is looking at a laptop. I approach to help.)

Me: “That’s a really great computer.”

Customer: “I don’t need a computer. I need wireless Internet.”

Me: “All right, how much range do you need cover?”

Customer: *dead serious* “From here to Santa Monica.”

(Note: This is about a distance of ten miles.)

Me: “All right, let’s start over. This time I’ll be from the future.”

1 Thumbs
1,783