Me: “Hi there, order whenever you’re ready.”

Customer: “I’d like two [Children’s] meals.”

(Waits a bit.)

Me: “Okay… do you want the hamburger, cheeseburger, four-piece or six-piece nuggets, or [Specialty Sandwich]?”

Customer: “The nuggets.”

Me: “Okay, which one?”

Customer: “The smaller one.”

Me: “Okay, and would you like apple slices or gogurt?”

Customer: “Apples.”

Me: “Would you like the boy toy or girl toy?”

Customer: “Whaaaat…? Okay, this is too complicated; I’ll catch ya later, sweetie.” *drives off*

(She came back about 30 minutes later, gave it another go, and she dealt with it more constructively.)

We’ve all had those big “nope” moments in our lives. Walk through a doorway under a dangling spider? Nope! Investigating that noise in the basement? Nope! Going to the mall on Black Friday? Nope, nope, nope!

Sadly, when those “nope” moments hit us at work, we are forced to stand our ground, like this roundup of poor souls who either need raises, counseling, or Haz-Mat suits:

One More Puke On The Path To Recovery

Gas Station | USA

(I’m a female working in a gas station and it’s close to midnight. The customer is obviously drunk, which means I can’t sell him alcohol.)

Customer: “You’re the kind of pretty thing I’m not allowed to touch.

(He proceeds to our beer cooler and takes one bottle out of a six-pack.)

Me: “Sir, I can’t sell you that for two reasons. One, you are obviously drunk and store policy says you can’t but alcohol. Two, if you were sober it would have to be the whole six-pack or nothing.”

Customer: *stares at me for 30 seconds and then pukes on his coat*

Customer: “Am I sober enough now?”

The Chump With The Hump Under Her Rump

Public Transport | USA

(I’m bus passenger and notice another passenger sitting with one half of her butt on one seat, and the other on another. The divider is between them, squarely up her crack.)

Bus driver: “Ma’am, you’ll have to move. This bus is very crowded and you’re taking up two seats.”

Passenger: “What do you mean I’m taking up two seats? This is how you’re supposed to sit.”

Bus driver: “No it isn’t, ma’am. You’re straddling the divider.”

Passenger: “You mean this isn’t the a**-cheek divider?”

Bus driver: “No, ma’am, that’s the seat divider!”

Passenger: “Aw… but it feels good to sit like this!”

Bus driver: “Well, ma’am, your… pleasure… will have to wait.”

Not So Immaculate Conceptions

Restaurant | USA

(I’m cleaning a table that a young couple just left and find a used tampon floating in their old drink and a pregnancy test hiding in their napkin. I turn around to see a frantic woman.)

Customer: “Where is it?!”

Me: “Uh…excuse me?”

Customer: “I left some personal things here – what happened to them?”

(I look at my tub and then back at her. She looks at my tub and then back at me, and suddenly turns pale.)

Customer: “Oh…”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am?”

Customer: *suddenly quiet* “Do you remember what the result was?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Well, that’s just f****** great! Thanks for nothing!”

Sorry I Asked

Retail | UK

(I notice an older woman and her twenty-something long-haired son struggling to find a certain brush in our hair care aisle.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything?”

Mother: “Help me? Help ME? The only way you could help me is to make my Fabio son over here stop dating thirteen-year-old girls!”

A Time To Laugh, But Mostly A Time To Cry

Clothing Store | UK

(A woman and her three-year-old daughter leave the changing room and approach my counter. She looks to be flustered and in a hurry.)

Me: “Hi there, can I help you?”

Customer: “Just this, please.” *hands me her items*

Me: “That’s £49.96, please.”

(The woman frantically searches her bag for her purse and almost turfs the contents out onto the floor.)

Customer: “I can’t find my purse.”

Me: “It’s okay, take your time. Perhaps you left it in the changing room?”

Customer: “No, I didn’t leave anything in there! Here it is.”

(She hands me her credit card, I complete the transaction and hand her her purchases.)

Me: “Here you go. Thank you for visiting today.”

Customer: *nervous smile* “Thank you.”

(The woman walks away hastily. Just before she gets to the shop door, her daughter speaks up.)

Customer’s Daughter: “But mummy, we did leave something in the changing room!”

Customer: *starts walking quicker* “Shhh!”

Customer’s Daughter: *triumphantly* “We left my poo in there!”

(The woman grabs the child by the hand and runs out of the shop. My colleague and I run over to the changing room to see for ourselves. Sure enough, in the corner of one of the changing rooms, there is a small pile of poo. We didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.)

Got your own “nope” moment to share? Let us know so we can add it to the growing list of reasons why retail is not the job for… well… anybody!

(I have “Deaf friendly” on my nametag. After a customer, who is maybe in his fifties, and I have an ENTIRELY VERBAL conversation, at the end of the transaction he stops me directly in the middle of my “have a good day,” and we engage in the following:)

Me: “Okay, have a good da—”

Man: “Can you hear me?”

Me: “Wh… what?”

Man: “CAN YOU HEAR ME WHEN I AM SPEAKING? DO YOU HEAR ME TALKING RIGHT NOW?”

Me: “What?! I can hear you, yeah…”

Man: “You’re not deaf?”

Me: “What?”

Man: “ARE YOU DEAF?”

Me: “Uh, no, I’m hearing. I can hear you right now.”

Man: “But your nametag says ‘DEAF friendly.’ You’re not deaf?”

Me: “No, I know ASL and am also an interpreting student.”

Man: “Well, that’s not right; you should specify you’re hearing. That way people won’t think you’re a… deaf person.”

Me: “I’m confused, I’m sorry.”

Man: “You should write ‘hearing’ on your nametag so people don’t misunderstand your confusing nametag.”

Me: “So you want me to publicly announce my hearing status on my nametag, rather than have me keep my current one, which indicates I can communicate in another language if needed?”

Man: “Well… I don’t know. So you’re NOT deaf, right?”

Me: No, sir.”

Man: “Ok, see ya!”

(This… this is a horror story to put in the books. He was rude about it and was serious about my nametag suggestion… Too funny to NOT share!)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Woman: *who sounds like a little old lady* “Hi, [My Name], do you have fitness books?”

Me: “Yes, we do!”

Woman: “Can you look up some titles for me?”

Me: “Sure!”

Woman: “The first is called ‘Call Me Miss Shapely Legs.’ Now, [My Name], please repeat that back to me so I know you have it right.”

Me: *puzzled by the odd title, but repeats it*

Woman: “You’re not speaking directly into the phone. Repeat it again, please.”

Me: *repeats it again, at this point still feeling sympathetic, thinking the woman is hard of hearing* “I’m sorry, ma’am, nothing comes up for it.”

Woman: “Really? Nothing? Why is that?”

Me: “Because we can’t get it in. It might be an older book, or out of print.”

Woman: “That’s too bad, I can’t believe you can’t get it! Well, the next book is ‘We Made Love Now I Have to Kill You.’ [My Name], repeat that back to me so I know you have it right.”

Me: *says it back quietly, as there’s a line of customers standing right there and I feel somewhat embarrassed saying this into the phone!*

Woman: “I can’t hear you. Speak up and repeat it again.”

Me: *repeats it more clearly*

Woman: “I still can’t hear you.”

Me: *practically shouts the title into the phone*

(Customers and coworkers at the counter are all staring at me and snickering. Lo and behold, this book doesn’t come up either.)

Woman: “Okay, [My Name], how about ‘I Have the Strength of 10,000 Muscular Women.’ Now [My Name], repeat that title back to me please so I know you have it right.”

Me: *gritting teeth, repeats it*

Woman: “You’re not speaking into the phone!”

Me: *convinced I’m being pranked at this point* “‘I. HAVE. THE. STRENGTH. OF. TEN. THOUSAND. MUSCULAR. WOMEN.’ I AM SPEAKING DIRECTLY INTO THE PHONE. NOTHING IS COMING UP IN THE COMPUTER FOR IT. WE DO NOT HAVE IT. I have to go. my boss is calling me.”

(My coworkers never let me live down that a little old lady prank called me.)

(I work night shift at a local hotel. About half an hour into my shift, the phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I got a question. What’s your policy on hotels?”

(The customer is obviously drunk.)

Me: *pausing, not quite sure if I heard properly* “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

Customer: “What’s your policy on hotels?”

Me: “Well, I like them.”

Customer: “So, if I come to your hotel and I don’t like it, you won’t kick me out?”

Me: “Nope, promise.”

Customer: “I got one more question. What if I want to bring some exotic animals with me?”

(At this point, all doubt that this is a prank call is gone; in fact, in the hotel industry, this is a fairly common prank. I decide to have some fun with the ‘customer.’)

Me: “Well, you could certainly eat them on the way.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to eat them. I want to bring them as pets.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t allow any pets.”

Customer: “What about a miniature giraffe?”

Me: “Sure, you could eat that on the way.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to eat it.”

Me: “Why not? You should expand your horizons. It might be delicious. You don’t know!”

Customer: “That’s a really expensive meal, though.”

Me: “Well, sometimes you have to treat yourself!”

Customer: *laughs, hangs up*

(I share the story with the bartender and his friend who happens to be present, and we all get a good chuckle. Perhaps five minutes later, the phone rings again. Our caller ID tells me that it’s the same person.)

Customer: “Yes, I’m calling to find out where you are.”

Me: “We’re at [Address, plus directions].”

Customer: “Okay, I have another question. What’s your pet policy?”

Me: “Well, we allow miniature giraffes.”

Customer: *laughs uncontrollably*

Me: “Were you aware that we have caller ID, Mr. [Customer]? Because we totally do.”

Customer: *click*

(He didn’t call back after that.)