Terms Of Endearment

, , | | Right | August 19, 2008

(I work for an Internet tech support center. Due to security and billing, once an account has been registered, it can’t be changed.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. What can I do to assist you today?”

Customer: “I need to change the email address I registered on the account.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I do not have the ability to do that for you. You can, however, set up a sub-account to use instead.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I really need to change the email address.”

Me: “Well, sir, I can give you to another department who might be able to help, but in order to change that, it will essentially disconnect and reconnect your service. This may result in a charge due to your contract. I can show you how to set up a sub-account though.”

Customer: *sighs* “I really have to change my account. My wife is going to kill me.”

Me: “Can I have the email address so I may access your account?”

(There’s a long pause before the customer speaks again.)

Customer: “Ourpaininthea**@***.com. I was really frustrated when I was registering.”

(At this point, I nearly have to mute my phone to keep the customer from hearing my laughter.)

Customer: “My wife uses this to talk to all of her bridge club friends. She will kill me if she has to give this out.”

Me: “Well, sir, you can set up a sub-account just for your wife and she can have whatever email address she wants. You get ten of them for free, so you would never even have to use the main account if you don’t want to.”

Customer: “Really? Can you show me? You may have just saved my marriage.”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “No problem, sir…”

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Smile, You’re On Candid Camera

, , , | | Right | August 19, 2008

Customer: “What do you have to eat here?”

Me: “Whatever you see in the pastry case is to eat; we mainly serve drinks.”

Customer: “What’s that up there? ”

(He points to one of the boards behind me and I turn around to see what he’s pointing at. I hear a rustling noise; when I turn back around all the money in my tip cup is gone.)

Me: “Sir? Could you do me a favor?”

Customer: “Uh… what?”

Me: “Look up.”

Customer: *looks up*

Me: “Okay, wave!”

(I start waving at him and, completely confused, he starts to wave back.)

Me: “Sir, that’s a camera up there.”

Customer: “Uh… and?”

Me: “You better put the money back.”

Customer: “What money?”

Me: “You know very well ‘what money.’ Now, put it back and leave.”

(He put the money back and pouted the entire way out the doors.)

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As Long As It Tastes Like Chicken

| | Right | August 19, 2008

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Lady: “I’d like a half pound of ham.”

(I slice the ham, wrap it, and hand it over.)

Me: “Here you go, ma’am.”

(She opens up the package, sniffs the ham and makes a face).

Me: “Is there something wrong with the ham?”

Lady: “Yes. It smells very hammy.”

Me: “Am I to understand that you’re complaining that our ham smells like ham?”

Lady: *walks away in a huff*

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Oh, Bite Me

, , | | Right | August 19, 2008

Me: “Welcome to [Bank]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to check my balance on my account.”

Me: “Okay, sir. Can I get your customer number?”

Customer: *gives number*

Me: “Okay, sir. You have a balance of $513.26, and we need to get $360.00 of this paid off immediately to avoid referral to debt collection.”

Customer: “Screw you. I’m no over-stayer. Unlock my d*** account!”

Me: “Sir, we can’t unlock the account until we’ve received some form of payment.”

Customer: “F*** you, man. I’m going to call your head office and have you deported.”

Me: “Um, I was born in this country, so I can’t really be deported to another country. This still won’t get your account unlocked. If you can pay–”

Customer: “Get the f***ing account turned on or I’m coming around there, and I’m going to eat you!”

Me: “Eat… me?”

Customer: “D*** right! I’m going to have you eaten and deported. We’re going to claim back our land and eat all you b**tards, then have you kicked out of the country!”

Me: “Please pay your bill. I’m terminating this call.” *click*

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For The Love Of God, Get GPS

, , | | Right | August 18, 2008

Customer: “Hi. I’m coming from the intersection at [Street #1] and [Street #2]. How would I get to your store from here?”

(I give the guy directions. I can tell he’s tuned me out after the first street or two. He then cuts me off before I finish.)

Customer: “Good, good! I got it. Thanks!” *hangs up*

(The phone rings again five minutes later.)

Customer: “Hi! I just called you a few minutes ago, asking for directions.”

Me: “I remember.”

Customer: “Yeah… I took that turn on [Exit] like you said. Then I got lost again. I’m at [Street #3] and [Street #4] now.”

Me: “Okay…” *gives him directions again*

Customer: “Okay! I got it this time. Thanks!” *hangs up*

(Phone rings again five minutes later.)

Me: “Hi again. Where are you now?”

Customer: *laughs* “I’m at [Street #5] and [Street #6].”

Me: “Okay. You’re almost here. Turn on [Street #7] and go straight until you see a gas station. We’re in the strip mall a little after it.”

Customer: “Okay!” *hangs up*

(Phone rings again five minutes later.)

Customer: “It’s me again! I’m at the gas station. I don’t see your store.”

Me: “We’re in the strip mall after the gas station, it’s down the road a little bit.”

Customer: “Oh! I see it. Okay, I’ll be right there.” *hangs up*

(Phone rings again five minutes later.)

Customer: “I’m in the strip mall now… and I don’t see your store. I’m gonna feel SO stupid if I’m in the wrong strip mall.”

Me: “At this point, I’m not even sure you’re in the right state.”

Customer: *laughs*

Me: “Okay. Do you see a donut shop?”

Customer: “Yes! I see a donut shop!”

Me: “Good. Drive to the donut shop. Now, do you see a cell phone store?”

Customer: “Yes! It’s next to the donut shop.”

Me: “Good. Drive to the cell phone shop. Now drive a little past that. Do you see the girl in the next store who’s on the phone and waving at you?”

Customer: “Yeah! Is that you?”

Me: “Yeah. Come on in…”

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