More Leftovers, Less Landfill

, , , , , | Right | November 30, 2009

(I work for the city government and received this call the day after Halloween.)

Customer: “The garbage collectors didn’t take all my garbage this morning. They left my pumpkin.”

Me: “Well, sir, where did you leave the pumpkin for collection?”

Customer: “In my recycling bin.”

Me: “Well, that’s why they didn’t take it. You need to put it in your garbage can.”

Customer: “But you can recycle a pumpkin!”

Me: “Sir, what do you think they are going to recycle your pumpkin into?”

Customer: “PIE!”

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You’ll Need Special 2D Glasses, Though

, , , , | Right | November 30, 2009

(At the zoo where I work, I’m answering questions from a group of tourists from Connecticut.)

Tourist: “So, do you all say ‘eh’ in Canada?”

Me: “Not too much, really. Maybe they say it a bit more out east.”

Tourist: “Canada has an EAST?!”


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Paid In Fool

, , | Right | November 30, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cell Phone Provider]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was just wondering if you’d gotten my payment?”

Me: “It doesn’t look like we have. May I ask how you paid?”

Customer: “I went to one of your stores two months ago just as they were closing up. A guy was walking out of the store and I asked if he worked there, so I gave him an envelope with my payment and telephone number written on it. He said he’d give it to his manager the next day.”

Me: “Did you go back to the store to find out what happened?”

Customer: “Yah, they said that no one matching the description I gave them worked there! So… is there any way you could adjust that charge?”

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SIMBY: Snots In My Back Yard

, , , | Right | November 30, 2009

Me: “Campus Security, this is [My Name].”

Caller: “Hi, I live across the street from you guys on [street name], and there is a lot of litter on your property near where I live. I’m feeling very threatened by it! It’s bringing the property values down and attracting the wrong kind of people.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll call Buildings and Grounds and have them go out and check for it.”

Caller: “Thank you, because it’s really threatening!”

Me: “Not a problem, ma’am.”

(The caller hangs up and I call over to Buildings and Grounds, who agrees to look into it. Immediately after I hang up with them, my phone starts ringing again.)

Me: “Campus Security, this is [My Name].”

Caller: “Hi, it’s me again. I just called you.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I called Buildings and Grounds and they’re going out to look for the litter.”

Caller: “Oh, good. I just called to tell you that there’s a group of little people out there and I think they might be responsible for the litter.”

Me: “…little people?”

Caller: “Yeah, there’s a big group of them. It’s a problem!”

Me: “Alright, ma’am. I will go out and see what’s up.”

(When I arrive at the location, what do I find? Teachers, parents, and a videographer watching a group of kids foraging through the grass: it was an Easter egg hunt by the on-campus daycare center.)

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Beware The Jabberwacky

, | Right | November 27, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Call Center]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I canna ammas farl a mara amas mitt.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t quite understand that.”

Caller: “I camo olives for all a moron all this spit.”

Me: “I do apologize, but I’m not able to understand you still.”

Caller: “I… can’t… apollo… ferrari… a moral…  on… this… day!”

Me: “Sir, I can hear you, but I can not understand what it is that you are trying to tell me.”

Caller: “You speak Englits?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I speak English.”

Caller: “No! I said, you speak it?”

Me: “Yes, I do speak English, sir.”

Caller: “No, you don’t! Give me somebody who speaks Englits!”

Me: “Well, I can understand you a bit more clearly now. How can I help you?”

Caller: “You gotta following a part a nards and fall away with ye?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t understand you again.”

Caller: “THEN YOU DON’T SPEAK ENGLITS, YOU FARCHMAN!” *click*

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