How Men Shop

| | Right | September 22, 2008

Customer: “Can you help me find the uh… uh…” *trails off*

Me: “The…”

Customer: “You know, the refrigerator stuff.”

Me: “Our refrigerators are–”

Customer: “No! The stuff that uh, you know, is…” *trails off again*

Me: “Ice cube trays? Mini fridges?”

Customer: “No, no. You know, like the stuff in the refrigerator… the stuff… like tea!”

Me: “You mean the food?”

Customer: “Yeah, the refrigerator stuff. The teas.”

Me: “Food is under the sign marked food, over on the other side of the store.”

Customer: “How do you know if food is in the refrigerator?”

Me: *gives up* “I have no idea.”

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Airheaded, Part 2

, , , | | Right | September 22, 2008

Customer: “My son let go of the balloons. I need more.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, that takes a long time to do and were very busy now. It will take at least an hour.”

Customer: “But the party is now! What the f*** am I supposed to do with no balloons?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it takes a while. I will do them as fast as possible.”

(He leaves and I start to fill up so many balloons my fingers are red.)

Customer: “About time!”

Me: “Okay, sir. I’m sorry you lost the balloons, so I took 25% off.”

Customer: “You’re charging me for these?!”

Me: “Yes, you are buying more balloons.”

Customer: “But I just paid for balloons, and they flew away.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you bought them and you’re buying more. I need to charge you.”

Customer: “But this was your fault! You shouldn’t have made them so… floaty!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but these are less… floaty.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: *sarcastically* “Yes!”


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Ah, Managers

, , , | | Right | September 21, 2008

Customer: “Does this camera come in different colors? I really want blue.”

Me: “Yes, but I’m sorry… I don’t have any blue ones. I only have black, red, and bronze.”

Customer: “Blue takes better pictures.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Yes, my brother takes pictures and says the blue ones are best.”

Me: “Well, to be honest, the color only affects how it looks. It has nothing to do with the performance.”

Customer: “Are you calling my brother a liar?!”

Me: “No, I’m just saying he’s misinformed–”

Customer: “I SAID he’s a photographer and he knows what he’s talking about. He’s been published.”

Me: “I’m sure he has, but I’ve done hundreds of weddings myself and I’ve been selling for years.”

Customer: “Stop it! I want to see the manager.”

(I get my manager and explain the situation.)

Manager: “So, I understand you want a blue camera because it’s supposed to be better?”

Customer: “Yes, I thought you guys would know that!”

Manager: “You know, I think your brother was mistaken.”

Customer: “But–”

Manager: “Let me explain. You see, sports cars come in all colors, right? You ever notice that they always seem to sell the red ones most? Porsches, Lamborghinis, and Corvettes?”

Customer: “Well, yeah…”

Manager: “So, I think it’s an obvious choice.”

Customer: “I’ll take the red one!”

Me: “…”

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…And The Baristas Shall Inherit The Earth

, , , , | | Right | September 21, 2008

Me: Good morning. What can I get for you?

Customer: “Did you go to church today?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Why not?! It’s Sunday and you should be giving thanks to the Lord! I don’t like this… Let me speak to your manager, NOW.”

Me: “Ma’am, this isn’t a Christian establishment where we are required to go to church.”

Customer: “Get your manager!”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “Why don’t your employees go to church on Sunday?! This is an outrage.”

Manager: “If we did there would be no one here to make your delicious coffee when you get out of church.”

Customer: “Well, I guess that’s okay. I’ll let Jesus know that you guys are helping me so that you don’t go to Hell.”

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Cheapskates: FAIL

, , , | | Right | September 20, 2008

Customer: “Hey, can I get these rolls at a discount?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry sir, it’s only 6:00. We don’t discount the bags until right before close.”

Customer: “Well, the girl last night let me do it!”

Me: “Sir, I was working last night, and no, I did not.”

Customer: “Alright, it was the night before! That girl!”

Me: “Richard?”

Customer: *slinks away*


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