Dr. Jekyll And Mrs. Hyde

, , , | | Right | August 14, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling. This is [My Name]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: *cheerful* “I need you to check my account.”

Me: “Certainly, I’d be happy to do that for you. May I have your identification number so I can look you up in our system, please?”

Customer: “My what? Why would you want that? Don’t you know who I am?”

Me: “Unfortunately not, ma’am. We have no real way of knowing who is on the other end of the line unless you give us either that number or your social security number.”

Customer: *suddenly demonic* “HOW DARE YOU! YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE TERRORISTS, AREN’T YOU?!”

Me: “Um… excuse me?”

Customer: “YOU want my social so you can steal my identity, don’t you? That’s why you called me, to steal my credit score, you little punk!”

Me: “Ma’am, you called me. This is your insurance company. Just read me the number on the front of your card so I can look up your account information.”

Customer: *suddenly cheerful again* “Oh, is that all? Why didn’t you just say so? My number is [number].”

Me: “Ma’am, it seems your account is handled by a different department than mine. Would you like me to give you their direct number before I transfer you?”

Customer: *back to demonic* “YOU TRICKED ME! You tricked me out of my information! I’m calling the FBI on you, you little c***!”

Me: *transfers call*

(I have never been so happy to transfer a caller. I logged the call, and later that day received an internal office email from some rep in another part of the state. All it said was “WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?”)

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Holy F***, Indeed

, , , , | | Right | August 14, 2008

Customer: “You f****** b****! I’ll have your f****** a** fired for this!”

Me: “Sir, I do not appreciate your abusive language. If you do not knock it off, I am going to have to hang up on you.”

Customer: “I’m sorry. I’m really not usually like this.”

(I help with the customer’s problem, which involves some downtime while the website processes his request.)

Customer: “So, where are you?”

Me: “We’re based out of Utah.”

Customer: “I’m in Van Nuys, California. Do you know where that is, lady?”

Me: “I actually do. I lived there for six months.”

Customer: “No s***! What were you doing here?”

Me: “I was a Mormon missionary.”

Customer: “And what is your name?”

Me: *gives name*

Customer: “Holy f***. I know you. I’m the bishop!”

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Grab Bag: Alaskan Cruise

, , | | Right | August 14, 2008

(I worked briefly in one of the regional offices for a cruise line. One of my jobs was to read all customer comment cards from the end of their tours and cruises and enter the comments into our database.)

1. “Please cut down some of the trees in Denali National Park. It is difficult to see the forest because these trees are in the way.”

2. “There are a lot of old cars scattered all over the place. Can you please remove them? They look ugly.”

3. “I wanted to see Mt. McKinley but it was raining and too cloudy. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

4. “I couldn’t swim in the outside pool on the cruise ship because it was raining the entire trip. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

5. “I didn’t like the reindeer sausage you served on the train. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

6. “I wanted to see the wildlife tour, but 5:00 am is way too early for me to wake up while I’m on vacation. Can you please schedule the wildlife to be available later in the afternoon, so that I can see them?”

7. “I was supposed to ride the train through Denali National Park, but there was a fire. Why did you schedule the fire while I was there?”

8. “Why are there so many Alaskan natives in Alaska? Can you ask them to leave?”

9. “There are way too many trees and animals on the wildlife tour. Can you please put in some malls and tennis courts?”

 

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Fowl Behavior, Part 2

, , , , | | Right | August 13, 2008

(At the deli where I work, every couple hours I cook up between 12 and 20 whole chickens. They’re kept in the hot holding cabinet for customers to grab.)

Customer: “I need ten.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “These whole chickens. I need ten of them.”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s all we have, because we’re closing soon.”

Customer: *rolls her eyes and takes absolutely everything left out of the holding cabinet*

(Another customer approaches me soon afterward.)

Another Customer: “Excuse me, that lady just grabbed a chicken out of my hands, claiming it was hers. Will there be any more?”

(Yes, that’s right. The first lady was going around taking chickens from other customers. Unbelievable.)

 

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Well Whadya Know, It’s Working Now

| | Right | August 13, 2008

Me: “Thanks for calling ***, how can I help you?”

Customer: “My phone service isn’t working.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll see what I can do. What wireless company do you have?”

Customer: “I don’t have wireless.”

Me: “… I’m not sure I’m following you, ma’am.”

Customer: “What’s not to follow? I said my PHONES AREN’T WORKING!”

Me: “Okay, but in order to assist you, I need to know what service you have.”

Customer: “AT&T.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t contract AT&T wireless in the store.”

Customer: “Look, lady, it’s not WIRELESS. My HOME PHONES aren’t working, and I can’t get a hold of my son and I’m worried. The service has been on the fritz all day. I need you to FIX IT!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t fix your home phone service. You’ll have to call your provider.”

Customer: “What are you, stupid? I bought the phone from you!”

(She probably had bought the telephone through us, because we sell some made by/for AT&T. But we don’t do the service at all.)

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t do the service. We are just the phone retailer. Is there something wrong with the phone itself?”

Customer: “NO. It works fine, but I can’t actually CALL anywhere. Now, I need this FIXED. I’ve been without a phone all day, every phone in the house is messed up, and I can’t call my SON. I don’t have a phone at ALL! Do you understand?”

Me: “Yes ma’am, I do, but like I said, we have nothing to do with your service. We just sell the PHONES. You have to call AT&T to see what’s wrong with your service.”

Customer: “And just how am I supposed to do that, smarty-pants? I DON’T have a PHONE that WORKS!”

Me: “With all due respect, ma’am, how did you call US?”

Customer: “B****.” *click*

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