(The teller next to me is very popular with customers and they sometimes get lost in conversation with her.)

Customer: “So, our barn cat had a litter and they’re just as precious as can be.”

Coworker & Me: “Awww!”

Customer: “Yup, we’re working on giving them away but…”

(I tune him out to help a couple of customers myself. When I come back…)

Customer: “…so they arrested my mom again, even though the neighbors had stolen every last thing out of her house! And that’s why I need to cash the check, to get her out.”

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(I am an apartment manager. I receive a phone call from a woman asking for information about our apartments. She asked me a series of questions regarding the rental amount, utilities, parking, etc., all very good questions. Finally, she asks:)

Caller: “How close are you located to the beach?”

Me: “Our location is 3½ miles to the beach.”

Caller: “Is that walking or driving?”

Me: *holding back laughter* “Either one. We are located 3½ miles to the beach.”

(She seemed a little frustrated that I wouldn’t tell her whether that was walking or driving.)

(I volunteer at a cat rescue shelter. Our manager sends an email around, warning us of a lady who has been dropping by every day, asking about discounts on the price of adopting cats. [We charge $100 for vaccinations, grooming, and a basic medical checkup, to ensure the cats are as healthy as can be]. Lo and behold, this woman [who looks to be in her mid 60s] indeed drops by during my shift and tries the same spiel, claiming she deserves to pay less for adopting our kitties.)

Woman: “These are MY cats! Well, they’re clones of them at least!”

Me: “I… uh… clones?”

Woman: “Don’t look at me like that! I know how this works! You pay the vets around the state to send you blood samples and DNA from the felines they treat, and then you grow clones in the back there!”

(She points at the door to our onsite vet.)

Woman: “You’ve got, what, six or seven tanks back there? Enough to keep these cages full?”

Me: “Ma’am… I… I can assure you, these cats are rescues! They were sent to us, not grown here!”

Woman: “Yeah, right, look at this one!” *She gestures to a cute calico that’s staring at her from its basking hammock on the window.* “That’s clearly a clone of my precious Bertie! It’s got the same coat color, the same eyes…”

(She then proceeds to stab her finger into the poor cat’s belly. As expected, the cat doesn’t like this, and swats at her.)

Woman: “Even the same foul temperament! You clearly just took a sample of Bertie’s blood from when I took him to [nearby vet] and made a copy of him!”

Me: *trying very hard not to laugh* “Ma’am… that’s… I promise you, that’s not the case. Many cats have similar coats, eyes, and other attributes.”

Woman: “That’s my Bertie! Ugh, look. I’ve got myself a new sugar daddy! Plenty of money to sue the s*** out of you unless you give me back all the cats I’ve lost and you cloned!”

Me: “Ma’am… look… if you want to adopt one or more of these cats, we’ll happily work with you. If you feel the adoption fee is too high, that’s something to discuss with my manager.”

Woman: “Fine! I’ll come back and try again tomorrow. Mark my words though, I WILL get my kitties back from you!”

(She left and I immediately called my manager to tell her what happened. The woman then proceeded to come back for the next three days and repeat the same spiel of us housing cats that were actually clones of other cats, though she wavered between them being her cats or the cats of her friends, and how her new sugar daddy would provide all the money she needed to sue us. After that, however, she apparently grew bored, because we’ve never seen her since.)

(We offer loyalty cards where customers collect points for hot beverages and bread. Twelve points equal one free beverage/bread. In addition to that, all transactions on those cards are counted. From time to time, the computer will choose that a transaction will be free for the customer, if a card is used and has enough transactions on it. We have no influence on those decisions, and cannot see or calculate when the next one will be free. My customer is a sweet old lady, who has taken almost five minutes to check the prices of the sandwiches we offer.)

Me: “Hi. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “I’ll take a small coffee and one of those cheese sandwiches, please.”

Me: “Sure! That will be [amount]. Do you have a loyalty card with us?”

(I put her coffee and sandwich on the tray before her and take her money and card. When I slide her card, the register tells me this transaction will be free.)

Me: “Oh, seems like I don’t need your money today! Both will be on the house today, because we would like to thank you for your loyalty with us!”

Customer: “Oh! Okay, can I take a [more expensive sandwich] instead, then?”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t; it’s already in the register.”

Customer: “Oh, no problem. But I said egg, not cheese!” *The sandwich with eggs is more expensive than cheese.*

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll switch that out for you!”

(I do so, and the customer happily goes her way.)

Me: *to the next customer* “Did she really say egg? I could swear she said cheese.”

Next Customer: “She said cheese. Some people just can’t get enough…”

Customer: “Hi. I want some sandwich meat, but I’m on a diet, so I can’t have anything with too much salt.”

Me: “Well, our beef has no added salt, so that should work for you.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I’m lactose intolerant. Unless your beef only comes from boy cows?”