No Aptitude For Latitude

, | Right | November 23, 2009

(I am a customer standing behind a couple, obviously from overseas. The ticket lady had just told them that the cable car is out of order because it’s being serviced.)

Customer: “That’s unacceptable! We’ve come all the way to see the top of Table Mountain!”

(I see that the ticket lady is tired of explaining the same thing over and over, so I chip in.)

Me: “They have to service the cable car because it’s off-season. They don’t want people to get hurt if the cable car breaks.”

Customer: “Well, it’s summer where we come from!”

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The Land Of Milk And Money

, , , | Right | November 23, 2009

(I am working at a packing house, cutting checks for local dairy farmers who sell us one or two cows at a time. They are given a scale ticket in the barn, which I use to cut a check.)

Me: “Hi, can I have your scale ticket?”

Farmer: “I’d like him to help me.” *points at a USDA associate*

Me: “Sorry, sir, but he doesn’t work for us. He works for the USDA.”

Farmer: “Well, I’d like you to find a MAN who can cut me a check for my cows.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but none of the men that work here know how to cut checks. All our office staff members are women.”

Farmer: “Don’t lie, you little hussy! Only men can run a business! You go back to making coffee!”

Me: “Sir, you run a dairy farm, correct?”

Farmer: “Yeah.”

Me: “And you make money from the milk you sell?”

Farmer: “That’s how a dairy farm works, sweetheart. Now get me a–”

Me: “So, basically, milk is money to you?”

Farmer: “Yes. Now get me a–”

Me: “And does the milk come from male cattle?”

Farmer: “Ha ha! NO!”

Me: *pointed look*

Farmer: *hands me the scale ticket*


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Visual Innuendos

, , , | Right | November 23, 2009

Me: “Hello, may I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Ah, yes, please. I have no idea what I’m looking for, really.”

Me: “What room are you thinking about redecorating?”

Customer: “My bedroom. It’s just so plain boring. I need some action! Action around the bed, you know?”

Me: “Oh… yeah.”

Customer: *pauses* “Wall… on the wall! I meant action on the wall!”

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How About A Chia Pet Instead

, , | Right | November 20, 2009

(I walk up to a customer and her family holding one of our pet store rabbits.)

Me: “So, are you ready to buy that rabbit?”

Customer: “Yeah, I think I’m going to. What do rabbits need?”

Me: “Well, the first thing a rabbit needs is a good home. We have a nice selection of cages start.”

Customer: “I think I’ll just put it in with my guinea pig.”

Me: “Well, that really isn’t a good idea. They should really have separate cages.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll put the guinea pig somewhere else. What else do rabbits need?”

Me: “Vitamins are good for rabbits, especially younger bunnies who are making their first move–”

Customer: “Can’t I use ferret vitamins?”

Me: “Well, no, because rabbits are herbivores and ferrets are carnivores. They have different nutritional needs.”

Customer: *to husband* “I don’t need any vitamins!”

Customer’s Husband: “Well, what about food?”

Me: “We have a large assortment of rabbit food. The more colorful ones that contain dried fruits and vegetables are really going to help your rabbit, especially if you don’t plan on feeding it fresh fruits and vegetables.”

Customer: “Can’t I just feed it cat food?”

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Wrong About The Right

, | Right | November 20, 2009

(I’m filling out a return slip for a customer.)

Customer: “Oh! You’re a lefty!”

Me: “Err, no, this is my right hand.”

Customer: “But it’s on my left!”

Me: “It’s still my right hand.”

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