(We have a lady who regularly comes to the deli and makes us slice thinner, even though what she’s buying is already shaved, and therefore, thin. She also refuses to say shaved; it’s always “shredded,” which is a completely different product. I’m very tired of politely trying to get her to order the correct thing, so the last time she was in…)

Customer: “I want chicken, but shredded.”

Me: *reaches for shredded chicken*

Customer: “No! That one. But thinner.”

Me: “So, shaved chicken?”

Customer: “No! Shredded!”

Me: *reaches for shredded chicken*

Customer: “NO! THAT ONE!”

Me: “So, shaved chicken?”

Customer: “But I want it thinner than that!”

Me: “That’s fine; I can shave it finely for you. When you ask for shredded, you’ll get the shredded.”

Customer: “You didn’t correct me last time.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I did. I tell you every time. We have new people hired, and they won’t know what you mean and I will not have you yelling at a 15-year-old girl because you can’t order the right thing.”

(We’ll see what happens next time she’s in…)

(I work at a location that is a combo BBQ restaurant and convenience store. It is because of this that we have two separate liquor licenses for the restaurant and the convenience store, and we are very strict about keeping them separate. Due to the fact that many choose to get their alcohol in the convenience store side, I have to be the bearer of bad news a lot. A guest comes up to the counter with three other men, with his arms literally full of beer.)

Me: “Are you going to be drinking these on the premises?”

Guest: “Yes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but if you are going to be drinking these on the premises, I have to limit all alcoholic drinks to two per person.”

Guest: “Oh, but there’s a big group of us on the patio.”

Me: “I understand, sir, but I will need to see everyone up here, and I will need to see everyone’s ID to confirm they are of legal drinking age.”

Guest: *starts telling one of the other guys with him to collect everyone’s IDs*

Me: “Oh, I will need to see everyone with their own ID.”

Guest: “Wait. Why?”

Me: “Because I need to see if it is theirs?”

Guest: “But why do they need to be up here?”

Me: “So I can see if they match up with their picture on the ID? That’s how an ID generally works.”

Guest: “Oh.”

(Until October, I was working for a department store, [Store A], but they let me go. In January, however, I got a job the hardware and home improvement store where this story takes place, [Store B]. However, at [Store A], I was so popular that people actively tried to find me if I was working, and one of the customers happens to find me during my first official day on the register at [Store B]. I am being shadowed, as per [Store B]’s policy with any new hire.)

Me: *walking around to scan the customer’s order, not seeing who it is at first* “Good evening. Will this be on your [Store B] credit card today?”

Customer: *not noticing me yet either* “No, not today. It’s just some pla—” *looks up from her purse* “Hey! Aren’t you supposed to be at [Store A]?”

Me: *looking up and realizing it is a regular from said store* “Oh, hey! How are you? Yeah, they let me go a few months ago.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s a shame, but at least you found another place, which is good. So, how long have you been here?”

Me: *finishing up the large items on her carts and going behind the counter* “This is my first official day on the registers, but it’s nice here. A lot better than what I had at [Store A].”

Customer: “That’s great! I heard a lot of stuff about [Store A] over the last few months, and they’ve really gone downhill.”

Me: *bagging and finishing her order* “Well, I guess they shouldn’t have let me go!”

Customer: “Oh, don’t say that! You’re too good for them; besides, most of them are ignorant a**holes.”

(I laugh before tendering her out and circling survey information on the bottom.)

Me: “That’s true, but make sure to take the survey at the bottom of your receipt. It could get you a [Store A], I mean [Store B] gift card!”

(My customer chuckles at my slight mistake, but then turns to my shadower.)

Customer: *to my shadower* “Make sure you keep him; he’ll be great for your company. [Store A] most likely let him go cause he was too good for them.”

(My shadower chuckles before nodding.)

Shadower: “Do you really need me to stay here? Because I can open another register.”

(I shook my head, but he stayed close enough to assist with the different features [Store B] had on their registers that [Store A] didn’t. Even though I hadn’t been at [Store B] that long, people that knew me from [Store A] started to find me, just like old times.)

(I am at my first job. I answer the phone, and this conversation occurs.)

Me: “Hello! This is—”

Customer: “Is this is the Enterprise?”

(I freeze, confused, thinking that that he means the Starship Enterprise, like in “Star Trek.”)

Me: “No?”

Customer: “Okay, thanks.”

(I turned around to face my coworkers, absolute bafflement on my face. When they stopped laughing at my expression, my coworkers explained that there was a car dealership named Enterprise in the phone book, close to our job. That made much more sense than what I thought.)

(I am at the information desk when a customer approaches.)

Customer: “My son tore the plastic covering off this picture book, but we put it back together again.”

(She hands me a picture book with half the plastic jacketing torn off and held in place with at least ten bandaids. The bandaids are attached to the actual cover of the book in some areas where the jacketing is missing.)

Me: “Bandaids?”

Customer: “We didn’t have any sticky tape.”

Me: “Ma’am, we can’t accept this. We can’t loan a book out in this condition.”

Customer: “I fixed it, though.”

Me: “With bandaids. I’ll be entirely honest, if you had just left it we could have re-jacketed the book, but you’ve attached bandaids to the actual cover.”

Customer: “And we fixed the inside, too.”

(I flick through the book to find bandaids holding two lift-the-flap pieces in place.)

Me: “Yeah… I’m going to have to charge you a replacement fee for this one.”

Customer: “Why, though?”

Me: “Because you’ve covered the book in bandaids.”

Customer: “I think it’s fine to read this way.”

Me: “Well, the good news is that once you pay for a damaged item, it’s yours to keep.”

Customer: “I don’t want to keep that! It’s all torn and covered in bandaids!”

Me: “Exactly.”

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