Blind As A Bat Out Of Hell

| | Right | April 6, 2009

(One day, a lady walked into our hair salon and said she had an appointment. We looked through the client list, but couldn’t find it.)

Me: “Sorry, but I can’t find your appointment here. Are you sure it was today?”

Customer: “Of course! I demand an appointment now!”

Me: “Well, I’m really sorry. I can’t find you on the system. We’re booked out today, but I can put up a new appointment for you if you want.”

Customer: “This is bull! I booked an appointment a long time ago. Give me an appointment now, or I’ll call the police!”

Me: “Well what were you going to do? Maybe I can fit you in between two other clients.”

Customer: “I was going to get my eyes checked and get new glasses!”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, the optical store is next door.”

Customer: “Uh… well…” *gives me a dirty look and leaves*

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At Least He Can Tell Time

| | Right | April 4, 2009

College student: “Do you have any stamps?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. This is a library.”

College student: “But I need to buy some stamps.”

Me: “I can’t help you. We don’t sell stamps in the library. You should try the post office in [college building] tomorrow.”

College student: “But I need the stamps now. Can’t I just have some stamps?”

Me: “Listen, libraries don’t sell stamps. The post office will sell you stamps tomorrow morning when it opens. But right now, in this building, I can not sell you stamps.”

College student: “So you’ll sell me stamps tomorrow?”

Me: “Listen, you can’t even mail anything on a Sunday evening. Why don’t you come back later?”

(Not surprisingly, he came back at 8 the next morning demanding stamps.)

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How About We Get Them To Do An Irish Jig For You

, | | Right | April 4, 2009

(A customer is looking at the live fish swimming in the tank at the supermarket where my mom works.)

Customer: “Are these fresh?”

Mom: “They’re alive.”

Customer: “But are they FRESH?”

Mom: “…yes.”

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Please Burn Before Returning

, , | | Right | April 4, 2009

(I work at a large outdoor equipment store. I had an older woman approach the register with a female urinary device, which is used for winter mountaineering so that women can use pee bottles in their tents.)

Me: “Howdy. Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “Well, I’m looking at this – do they work well?”

Me: “Uh, well, I imagine so, but I don’t have any experience with that product.”

Customer: “Can I return it if it doesn’t work?”

Me: “We have a 100% satisfaction guarantee on everything we sell here in the store. I will ask, however, that if you return it, you clean it first and double bag it!”

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Chilly Reception

| | Right | April 3, 2009

(I was working at the kiosk where we sell sweets and drinks when this transaction occurred with an old woman over the bottled water.)

Customer: “Is that water cold?”

Me: “Yes, it’s just out of the fridge.”

Customer: “I don’t see a fridge.”

(I gesture towards the fridge a few feet away from the kiosk.)

Customer: “Can’t I just have one out of there?”

Me: “Yeah, of course.”

(I fetch her one out of the fridge.)

Customer: “That doesn’t look too cold to me.”

Me: “…well, you can feel for yourself, if you like. It really is quite cold.”

Customer: “No. You do it.”

(I put my hand against the bottle and then pretend to flinch.)

Me: “You’re right, ma’am, it’s boiling hot. I’m very sorry about that.”

Customer: “I’ll just have a Coke then.”

Me: “…”

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