(It’s already been a long day at work, in addition to being a Monday, and I’m grumpy when I go to the big shop in our city for some late-night grocery shopping. Once I’m done, I find that all of the lines are backed up. I get behind a woman with her four kids, one of whom is conked out in one of the two buggies she has with her, and wait for the cashier to check her out. He seems to have problems with both speed and picking items up, because he fumbles with every object he picks up as if he doesn’t know what to do with it. Finally, twenty minutes later, he has scanned her objects and tells her the amount is $384.)

Customer: “Oh, hold on. Try this card.” *hands him a gift card* “Can you tell me how much is on that?”

Cashier: “I don’t know how to do that. All I can do is swipe it and it will deduct the amount. Would you rather not use it?”

Customer: “No. Use it, but don’t take off the amount.”

Cashier: “I’m sorry; I don’t understand.”

Customer: “Swipe it, but don’t let it take anything off the card. Keep the same amount on the card. That way I can see how much is on it.”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I can’t do that. It will automatically take it off.”

Customer: “You can’t just swipe it and then cancel it?”

Cashier: “No. I would have to scan everything all over again.”

Customer: *looks at me, then at the three people behind me that are impatiently waiting* “I guess go ahead and use the card.”

Cashier: “Okay, that takes your amount down to $352.”

(She swipes five credit cards and uses $140 in cash, just so she can use her bank card for the final amount, which is under $20. By that point, the rest of us are glaring at her. When it comes my turn, I pull out three cards and the cashier looks terrified.)

Me: “Don’t worry; I’m only using my bank card. I just tucked it behind the other cards.”

(I think he and the rest of the line were as relieved as I was that my check-out was quick.)

(I cashier at a store that has a loyalty program for customers. Customers can use their loyalty card or they can use their phone number. This happens at least ten times a day. A customer comes up to register and begins unloading their cart.)

Me: “Hi, how are yo—”

Customer: *interrupts, starts yelling phone number loud enough for entire front end to hear*

(I’m taking tickets at the theater. It’s Friday night, so it’s very crowded. As I’m taking tickets, a teenager with a skateboard casually walks past the line, then ducks under the rope and bolts down the hallway, disappearing into one of the theaters.)

Customer: “That guy just snuck past you!”

Me: “I know. Here’s your ticket. Your theater is on the left.”

(He takes his ticket, but stops behind me so he can talk to me while not holding up the line.)

Customer: “Aren’t you going to stop him?”

Me: “I’d chase after him, but then there’d be nobody to help the rest of you get to your movies.”

Customer: “I suppose more people would sneak in, too.”

Me: “That, too. Besides, I’ll catch him once the line dies down and I can get somebody to man the station.”

Customer: “You’re going to find him in a dark theater?”

Me: “I have my ways.”

(I clear the line, signal for one of the other ushers to take over the ticket station for me, and head into the theater. I find the guy immediately. Theater hoppers almost always hide in the back row, even though it makes them stand out if the theater isn’t full, especially since the seats are brighter since they’re closer to the ceiling lights. Not only do I find him, but he’s sitting directly under one of said lights, as if highlighted by a spotlight, with his skateboard resting on the chair next to him.)

Me: “Can I see your ticket, please?”

Theater Hopper: “Uh, I threw it away.”

Me: “Let’s go.”

Theater Hopper: “How’d you find me?”

Me: “Trade secret.”

(I work in a bathroom showroom. A customer comes in looking for a faucet he claims to have ordered.)

Customer: “I ordered a faucet three months ago and I never heard back from any of you!”

Me: “Hello, sir. I think I was the one who helped you before. I don’t recall you placing an order, however. Can I have your name so I can look in our system?”

(He gives me his name and I look on the computer. There is nothing matching his name.)

Me: “Sir, there are no orders here under that name. Are you sure you placed the order here and not at another showroom?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m sure! I can’t believe this level of incompetence!”

Me: “Do you remember which faucet you were looking at? I can search by that.”

(He wanders through the showroom for a while, finally pointing to one. I once again search the system.)

Me: “Sir, all orders for that faucet have already been closed out and none of them match your name. We can order that for you now, if you would like?”

Customer: “I can’t believe this! I have to order twice just to get a faucet?! I’m going to tell everyone I know not to shop here, and I know contractors!”

Me: “Did you come sit at my desk and order with me, give me your information, give me the required 50% deposit, sign for the deposit, and receive a receipt?

Customer: “No. But I directly told you I liked that faucet!”

Me: “Sir, if all you did was tell me you liked the faucet, how am I supposed to know to order it? Without a deposit or contact information?”

Customer: “That’s your problem!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t order a faucet just because someone expressed a little interest in it.”

Customer: “This level of customer service is horrible! I’m never buying from here again! I’m going to give my money to [Competitor].”

Me: “In fairness, sir, you have never bought anything here.”

(I work in a small family-owned business. I am working the register at the moment, but I hear a coworker’s conversation with a customer in the restaurant area.)

Coworker: “Hi. Is there anything I can get you?”

Customer: *looking at our menu* “Umm… yeah… umm… I want a BLT.”

Coworker: “All right. What kind of bread would you like that on?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t want bread. And just make sure the bacon, lettuce, and tomato don’t touch.”

(My coworker looked dumbfounded as she asked this, but we gave her what she wanted. We served her her food, and she ate only the bacon.)