(I work in a bathroom showroom. A customer comes in looking for a faucet he claims to have ordered.)

Customer: “I ordered a faucet three months ago and I never heard back from any of you!”

Me: “Hello, sir. I think I was the one who helped you before. I don’t recall you placing an order, however. Can I have your name so I can look in our system?”

(He gives me his name and I look on the computer. There is nothing matching his name.)

Me: “Sir, there are no orders here under that name. Are you sure you placed the order here and not at another showroom?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m sure! I can’t believe this level of incompetence!”

Me: “Do you remember which faucet you were looking at? I can search by that.”

(He wanders through the showroom for a while, finally pointing to one. I once again search the system.)

Me: “Sir, all orders for that faucet have already been closed out and none of them match your name. We can order that for you now, if you would like?”

Customer: “I can’t believe this! I have to order twice just to get a faucet?! I’m going to tell everyone I know not to shop here, and I know contractors!”

Me: “Did you come sit at my desk and order with me, give me your information, give me the required 50% deposit, sign for the deposit, and receive a receipt?

Customer: “No. But I directly told you I liked that faucet!”

Me: “Sir, if all you did was tell me you liked the faucet, how am I supposed to know to order it? Without a deposit or contact information?”

Customer: “That’s your problem!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t order a faucet just because someone expressed a little interest in it.”

Customer: “This level of customer service is horrible! I’m never buying from here again! I’m going to give my money to [Competitor].”

Me: “In fairness, sir, you have never bought anything here.”

(I work in a small family-owned business. I am working the register at the moment, but I hear a coworker’s conversation with a customer in the restaurant area.)

Coworker: “Hi. Is there anything I can get you?”

Customer: *looking at our menu* “Umm… yeah… umm… I want a BLT.”

Coworker: “All right. What kind of bread would you like that on?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t want bread. And just make sure the bacon, lettuce, and tomato don’t touch.”

(My coworker looked dumbfounded as she asked this, but we gave her what she wanted. We served her her food, and she ate only the bacon.)

(I’m telling on myself here. I am having some trouble with [Video Chat Client] and finally have to resort to tech support of the chat variety, through my browser.)

Tech Guy: “Hello! Welcome to [Video Chat Client] technical support! My name is [Tech Guy]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi! I’ve been having some trouble with my group chats; I can’t send or receive messages.”

Tech Guy: “Okay, we’ll have to do some troubleshooting. Is it all right if I remotely connect to your computer to better help you?”

Me: “If it’ll help, sure.”

Tech Guy: “Great! So, just close any personal things and everything on your desktop, and then click the following link.”

(I promptly quit everything on my desktop, including the browser, through which I had been talking to [Tech Guy]. I realized a second later when the chat window suddenly closed what I had done, but it was far too late. I had to get back in line and start all over again with a new tech agent. Obviously, I don’t know how [Tech Guy] reacted, but I like to think his reaction was something along the lines of, “huh?”)

(I work as a cashier at a coffee chain. One night, when things are relatively quiet, a middle-aged couple comes in.)

Customer: “Okay, weird request: can I have an empty cup?”

(I have no problem with this, and it is a routine question, especially when it gets hot and people want to give water to their dogs.)

Me: “Oh, sure! We actually have a bowl, if that would be better.”

(The man considers it before deciding on the cup. He asks if I have anything larger, and I say that we do, but it would be clear plastic for a cold drink, not a paper hot-drink cup. The couple considers this.)

Me: “Are you trying to pour something hot or cold?”

Customer: “Well, we’ll be putting someone’s ashes in it.”

(Bewildered, and hoping I misheard, I offered him a lid for the cup he had chosen, and he left with his wife, tipping as he left.)

(I work at a diner, which is part of a national chain. Our restaurant is located about a quarter-mile from one of the major cross-country interstates, so we get a lot of truckers and a lot of to-go orders. I am a hostess, but I am usually the one to take to-go orders, because they rarely tip and I’m not getting the reduced wage for tipped employees. This guy has called in for a sandwich and fries.)

Me: “Good evening. Welcome to [Diner]. Table for one?”

Customer: “No, I called in a to-go order for [Customer].”

Me: “Oh, yes, sir. I took the order and I just saw them put it in the window, so let me get that for you.”

(I go get his order from the pass-through window by the kitchen and put it in a bag with napkins and condiments.)

Me: “Okay, that’s a [Sandwich] with fries, and I’ve put ketchup, salt and pepper, and some napkins in the bag. Is there anything else I can get for you?”

(Up to now, this has been completely normal, but while I am saying this, he opens up the styrofoam box and starts poking at the food.)

Customer: “Go get me a manager.”

(I try to get him to tell me what was wrong, but all he says is to get a manager. Fortunately, the manager on duty notices that the transaction isn’t proceeding smoothly and comes over, so I don’t have to walk away from the register and leave him with the packaged but not paid-for food.)

Manager: “Sir, is there a problem?”

Customer: *poking at the sandwich* “This has been sitting under the lights forever. Look, the bread is all hard and crunchy!”

Manager: “Sir, [Sandwich] comes on toasted bread. It’s crunchy because that’s what happens to bread when you toast it.”

Me: “And it wasn’t sitting! They put it in the window while you were between the two doors in the entry!”

Manager: “If you wanted it on untoasted bread, we can remake it, but please remember to say that, next time.”

Customer: “And these fries are too hot! I could have hurt myself.”

(Yes, he has totally ignored what we said about the bread.)

Manager: “Well, I suppose that’s a problem that will correct itself while we’re remaking the sandwich, won’t it?”

Customer: “I eat at [Diner] restaurants all across the country, and it’s always terrible!”

Manager: “Then why do you keep coming back?”

(Sorry, buddy, your transparent attempt to bully us into free food won’t be working tonight!)