(I am serving at the returns desk. To the far end of the tills is a staff-only area where we sort out the clothing into appropriate sections, sort lost property, etc. All floor staff need access to this area and, as such, often walk back and forth behind the tills whilst tidying up.)

Customer: “I don’t understand why people keep walking behind you; they should be on the tills serving so I don’t have to wait so long.”

Me: “Unfortunately, for security reasons, not all staff are allowed on the tills. Each till is only operated by one person, because if multiple people used the same till money could be stolen and the store wouldn’t be able to tell who it was. Therefore, those people are not allowed to use these tills.”

Customer: *irate* “Yes, yes, yes I get that. But I still don’t understand why they can’t serve me.”

(I had to grit my teeth not to point out I had just told her why.)

(I have just recently started working as a customer service rep, and I get some very funny calls about the furniture we sell. I answer this call as normal and am answered with this:)

Customer: “Hi, you’re going to think I’m a total idiot, but I pulled that lever on the chair I bought, and now it’s too tall and I can’t figure out how to lower it!”

Me: “Technical support, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I was wondering if my Internet router could be broken.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well, I was wondering if it was possible that my router had started leaking.”

Me: “Leaking? What do you mean?”

Customer: “Well, someone told me that when the routers get old, they could start leaking gigabytes, and that it was really unhealthy for us.”

Me: “No, ma’am. That is not possible.”

Customer: “But someone told me that it could happen when the router gets old.”

Me: “No, ma’am, your router is fine. You don’t have to worry about your router leaking gigabytes.”

Customer: “Well, all right. Thank you.”

(I am at a zoo with a friend of mine. There is a new dinosaur exhibit and we are in line. It is a free exhibit, but to enter, you have to wait in line and pass by an employee.)

Customer: *seriously* “So… There are real dinosaurs in there? Like, we get to see real dinosaurs?!”

Employee: *confused* “They are… like… animatronic…”

Customer: *doesn’t say anything but looks completely confused*

(A polite old lady enters the shop:)

Customer: “Hello there, dear. I was wondering if you have any gloves?”

Me: “Hello. Yes, all the gloves we have are just here.” *shows them*

Customer: “Oh… I was hoping to find some nice leather ones. Oh well, hopefully some old biddy like me will die soon and I can come back and get her gloves, then!”