(I’m half French, and the following takes place in Paris when I’m flying back from a family event. My flight is cancelled, and the inevitable queue of disgruntled passengers is starting to build around the customer service desk. I am standing behind an American chap who is in full how-dare-you-cancel-my-flight, do-you-not-know-who-I-am mode, made worse by the fact that he is shouting in English and the representative is clearly French. He eventually storms off, I suspect without the ticket he needs. The representative shakes her head and gives a shrug as I approach.)

Me: “Quel gentilhomme charmant!” *What a charming fellow!*

Representative: “Ah, je ne m’en fous pas!” *I don’t give a f***!*

(She then realises what she’s said and turns bright red.)

Me: *in hysterics* “Ah, oui, moi je n’ai pas envie de le f***** non plus!” *I wouldn’t want to f*** him either!*

(She made sure I got on the next flight. I didn’t manage to get an upgrade, but I suspect I got home much more quickly than Monsieur Shouty-Pants.)

(I work at a trampoline park that gets very busy on the weekends. Often times, we sell out and turn people away. This is out of my control and tickets are sold on a first-come, first-serve basis. Sometimes, though, people decide to just buy tickets for later in the day when we’re not full. Today, we are especially full because it is New Year’s Day.)

Me: “Hi, Welcome to [Amusement Park]. How are you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need tickets for [time].”

Me: “It looks like we’re actually sold out for that time; however, if you wanted to jump at [time 30 minutes later] I could get you in then.”

Customer: “No! I need to jump at [time]. I’ve been here before and there’s never been a problem!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, we do recommend that you buy tickets ahead of time either in the park or online to reserve your spot.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! I have these two boys with me and if they don’t get to jump, their day will be ruined!”

(She gestures to her two sons who are with her.)

Me: “Like I said, they will be able to jump, just not at that specific time. They could jump just thirty minutes later; so they would still be able to jump today.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just great! You’ve ruined these boys’ day. Happy New Year!”

(With this, she stormed off leaving her sons behind. They followed her, but one of them apologized on his way out. She came back ten minutes later and apologized for her behavior and said that she would like to buy the tickets for the later time.)

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(As the head host of a very expensive steak house, I have had my share of celebrity run-ins. All of them have been nice, except for one. We have a baseball player who is well known in my city and is very fond of my restaurant. He usually comes in with his whole family, about twelve or thirteen people. He always demands a private room, which we normally charge for; he gets it free, and his family always destroys the room. Every time. I am talking food ground into the carpet and everything. Just a wreck. They will run up a $900 check, and then tip the server ten bucks. Servers DREAD him coming in. One Friday night around 10:45, I get a phone call:)

Agent: “Hi, this is [Baseball Player]’s agent. Have you heard of him?”

(For some reason, the agent ALWAYS says this when he calls.)

Agent: “Well, he would like a table after the game.”

Me: “Uh, it’s 10:45 and we close at 11. I am able to see the TV in the lounge, and he is on it right now at the stadium, so there is no way he can make it in time.”

Agent: “Oh, I don’t think you understand; this is for [Baseball Player].”

Me: “I don’t think you understood me; we close at 11, he can’t get here in time, and the answer is no. Have a nice day.” *hangs up*

(I am really irritated as it has been a long night. I watch out for my servers and I KNOW there would be a revolt if I allowed it. Five minutes later, I get another call.)

Liaison: “Hi, this is [Liaison] with the [Baseball Team]. I am a public liaison, and I am calling—”

Me: “I’m going to stop you right there. His agent called. I said, ‘no.'”

Liaison: “Oh, I am sorry; I didn’t know someone asked.”

Me: “Oh, yes, you did; that’s why you are now calling. No means no. Have a nice night.”

(I am really steaming by that point. But as I am quick to get ticked, I cool off just as fast. I start thinking maybe I should have said yes because the owner is good friends with the team. So, I go to the general manager and tell him what happened.)

General Manager: “I am glad you said no; I would have been here all night!”

(The baseball player DID show up at 11:30 and tried to push his way past me. I held the door closed, shook my head no, and pointed at my watch. He should have treated his servers better in the past. Your past actions dictate your future treatment.)

(On this New Year’s Eve, not only are we incredibly short-staffed, due to a bug that led all of the senior staff to call out sick, but both of our directors and our manager are away at a regional meeting. Because of this, I am running our in-store call centre — usually staffed by a team of three — all on my own.)

Me: “Good morning, [Organisation]. [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

Customer: “I need to order some contact lenses, and I need them for a party tonight.”

(I take the patient’s details, needing to check her prescription and if she is in date, but she has never had contact lenses with us before, only a sight test over eight years ago.)

Me: “Ma’am, have you had contact lenses from somewhere else? If I can get a copy of the prescription we can see if we have them in stock.”

Customer: “No, I’ve never had lenses anywhere else! You’re obviously an idiot if you can’t find it. This happened last time, as well, and they just gave me lenses.”

Me: “Ma’am, you’ve never had lenses from this store. There is no record at all of you having had any. Are you sure you haven’t been to another optician?”

Customer: “You stupid f***! I want to speak to your supervisor!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have any supervisors in today.”

Customer: “I want a manager, then.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there are no managers in, either.”

Customer: “Well, then, give me the owner!”

Me: “Neither of the store directors is in today, I’m afraid. If you want to speak to anybody more senior than myself, there should be a manager in four days’ time.”

Customer: “Then who the f*** is running the store?!” *hangs up*

(Just as I take a deep breath, glad I don’t have to speak to someone so rude, the phone rings again.)

Customer: “I need to order some contact lenses, and I need them for a party tonight. The stupid woman I spoke to before was so rude to me. She swore at me so I want them for free.”

Me: “Ma’am, it was me you just spoke to.”

Customer: *hangs up*

(After the fourth time she tried this, I wrote down her phone number and ignored the rest of her calls. She never bothered calling back on Monday for a manager!)

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(This happens on New Year’s Eve. We open the club about ten minutes after the fireworks and soon a girl approaches me.)

Customer: “Why are you working today?”

Me: “Because you want to party?”

(She looked really confused as to how this made any sense but left soon, leaving my coworkers and me confused as to why else we would be working.)

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