The Bruce Lee Fantasy Will Have To Wait

, | | Right | March 2, 2009

(I’m ringing up a middle-aged mother for a Nintendo Wii System she’s buying for her son.)

Me: “Would you like to buy a Nunchuk as well?”

Customer: “H*** YEAH!”

Me: *taken aback by her enthusiasm* “All right…the Nunchuk is $19.99.”

Customer: “Only twenty bucks? My kid’s gonna love it.”

Me: *holding up the controller* “Uh, the Nunchuk is a controller…it’s just this right here.”

Customer: “Oh…then never mind.”

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Pure, Uncut Cyan & Magenta

| | Right | March 2, 2009

Customer: *looking at the printer ink* “Holy crap, this s*** is expensive!”

Me: “Well, we do price match any local competitor. All you have to do is–”

Customer: *interrupting* “You guys are like the modern-day crack dealers!”

Me: “Modern-day crack dealers?”

Customer: “Yeah, you sell the printers for real cheap and then you get us on the ink!”

Me: “Right…well, that’s how we get ya!”

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A.I.: Alarming Idiocy

| | Right | March 2, 2009

(I pick up a phone call transferred from our operator and hear what’s clearly a kid on the phone with parents in the background.)

Me: “Thanks for calling Burbank ****, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, my video game system stopped working. I want you to fix it.”

Me: “Well, what seems to be the problem with the system?”

Customer: “There’s red lights on it – is that those ‘rings of death’?”

Me: “The red lights are kind of an error message – when did purchase the system?”

Customer: “It’s like a year old.”

Me: “Did you purchase our protection plan?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “OK, you’d have to contact Customer Service for that manufacturer to see if they would still cover the product.”

Customer: “Oh, I bought it at ****.” *naming our competitor* “Would I call them? Could they fix it? I don’t want to talk to the robots!”

Me: “Yeah, if you bought it at another retailer you should probably either contact them or the manufacturer–”

Customer: *interrupting* “I said no robots; I don’t want to talk to the robots!”

Me: “OK…you can file a claim on the manufacturer’s website, or call the retailer you actually purchased the system from. There’s nothing I can really do for you if you didn’t purchase it through our store.”

Customer: *whining* “I don’t want to talk to the robots! I’ll have my mom call the robots.” *hangs up*

Me: “…”

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Close Encounters Of The Dumb Kind

| | Right | February 27, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling **** support.”

Customer: “Um…I don’t think you’re going to believe this….”

Me: “What seems to be the issue today?”

Customer: “I think my computer was abducted!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I went to bed last night and my computer was on my dining room table. I woke up this morning late for work and rushed out the door. As I backed out of the driveway, I heard a crunch, and I figured it was a trash can or something.”

Me: “…OK. And what does this have to do with your computer, sir?”

Customer: “Well, when I checked it out it was my computer under the back tire. But I swear that it was still inside the house when I went to bed last night!”

Me: “OK sir, unfortunately your warranty does not cover extraterrestrial damage, so any repairs to the computer will have to be paid with a credit card.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I don’t want it fixed! I just wanted to let you know that your computers attract aliens. My insurance company already replaced it. I’m just waiting for it to arrive now.” *click*

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Right Place, Wrong Attitude

| | Right | February 27, 2009

(I was the second-in-command at a social services agency. One day, our receptionist asked me to take a phone call from a person who was very upset about the way she was being treated, and wanted to talk to the person in charge.)

Me: “Hello, I’m ****, how can I help you?”

Caller: *angry* “Are you in charge there?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I am the most senior person here. What can I do for you?”

Caller: *yelling* “So you have a boss?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Caller: “I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!”

Me: “My supervisor isn’t here right now. I have the authority to help you, ma’am, if you’ll just let me know what it is you need–”

Caller: “I REFUSE TO SPEAK TO ANYONE BUT YOUR SUPERVISOR! YOU ARE ALL USELESS!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, my supervisor isn’t here right now. I am in charge.”

Caller: “YOU ARE USELESS!” *hangs up*

Me: *to the receptionist* “Did she tell you anything about what she needed?”

Receptionist: “Yes, she said she needed to take anger management classes.”

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