(I am the store manager for a hat shop. A man stomps into our store right as I open, clearly very upset.)

Customer: “Are you the one who told my wife she couldn’t try on your hats?!”

Me: “I honestly doubt it. All of our hats are available to try on. Do you know when your wife was here?”

Customer: “Last night! She described you and said you refused to get a hat down for her to try on! That’s discrimination!”

(Right at this moment his wife walks in. I clearly remember her from the night before.)

Me: “Hello. I do remember you, ma’am. Sir, the only ‘hat’ I said I couldn’t take down for your wife was the light fixture behind you, because those are not actual hats on it, but lamp shades. They are wired to the fixture.”

Customer: *looking at me with dawning understanding and then slowly turning to his wife* “They aren’t real hats! It’s a d*** lamp shade!”

Customer’s Wife: “I know that, but I wanted to just try it, and she refused to take it down! She wouldn’t even let me take it down myself!”

Customer: “That’s because it’s not a hat! It’s a lamp. Shade.”

Customer’s Wife: “I know that, but I just wanted to try it.”

Customer: *to me* “I’m very sorry about this.” *to wife* “Come on. I’m taking you to the hardware store so you can try on all the d*** lamp shades, if that’s what you want!”

(I’m using a bread slicer machine to slice a loaf of bread for a customer.)

Customer: “No, no. You did it wrong!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

(I show him the bread. He points out a small indent in the bread and says I need to slice another loaf while holding the top of the bread slicer machine up so it doesn’t squish the bread. I comply, and the bread comes out clean with no minor dents. I place the rejected bread on the sample board, and as the customer is checking out, he takes slice of the bread.)

Me: “So, the bread wasn’t good enough to buy, but still good enough to eat?”

Customer: “That’s right.”

(I wish I could have charged him for that.)

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(A mobile customer calls in to check if her bill is due.)

Me: “I can definitely check to see if your mobile bill is due. I’ll just need the cell phone number, please.”

Customer: *gives me the number*

Me: “Okay, I searched that number and it’s not bringing up any results. Is this for your mobile account?”

Customer: “That’s the correct number. I only have one number.”

Me: “So, the number is [number]?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it doesn’t appear that this number is with our cellular services.”

Customer: “Well, no, it wouldn’t be. It’s my home number. My cell number is [other number].”

(I work for a large electronics store that also does tech support. An older gentleman comes up to the support counter with a new high-end laptop.)

Me: “Thanks for coming in to [Company]. I’m [My Name]. How can I help you out today?”

Customer: “I bought this laptop here last week and there’s something wrong with it.”

Me: “Okay, let’s just take a look here.”

(I power on the laptop and find that it is clearly infected with a virus that keeps pulling up p*rnographic content.)

Me: “Looks like you have a pretty nasty virus infection going on. We can get that cleared up for [price].”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! It came like that!”

Me: “Sir, I guarantee you that it did not.”

Customer: “Yes, it did, but it doesn’t matter. I bought the warranty, so you have to fix it for free, anyway.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the warranty does not cover viruses. It only covers if it physically breaks, like if the screen cracks, or something.”

(The customer then picks up the laptop and spikes it to the ground like a football.)

Customer: “There. Now it’s physically broken. Take the d*** thing!”

Me: “The warranty also does not cover intentional damage.”

Customer: *as he is being escorted out by security* “You ruined my marriage! I’m going to get divorced because of you!”

(A new tenant recently moved out without notice just a couple days after moving in. She contacts me to get a refund of part of her rent. I remember the tenant well; she paid her first month’s rent with several large money orders and a small personal check. The boss approves the waiving of the 30-day notice policy for this case, in hopes of making the tenant a little happier so she doesn’t badmouth us around town. I call the tenant back to give her the good news, and to let her know that the paperwork has been filed to get her refund.)

Me: “[Boss] agreed to waive the 30-day notice requirement, so we’ll be able to refund $[amount] to you. I’ve submitted the paperwork to our central office, so a check will be issued next Wednesday and mailed to you.”

Tenant: “What? I can’t wait that long; I have bills to pay at my new apartment! I’ll just come in, and you can write me a check today.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I cannot write a check myself; all our checks go through our central office across the state.”

Tenant: “Hmph. So, I’ll get the check next Wednesday?”

Me: “No, the check will be printed next Wednesday. Unless you want to drive across the state to pick it up, they’ll have to mail it, and it should arrive on Friday.”

Tenant: “Nonsense like this is why I moved out! I’ve never seen another company so incompetent!”

(The next Wednesday, I get a call from my supervisor at the central office.)

Supervisor: “We got notice from [Tenant]’s bank that she stopped payment on her check, so I had to adjust the balance on her account. You’ll need to redo the paperwork on that refund. We’ll just plan on refunding it next week, instead.”

(The purest moment joy in my life was calling the former tenant to let her know that by stopping payment on her check, which we were refunding in full, she had delayed her refund another week.)

Related:
Refunder Blunder, Part 32
Refunder Blunder, Part 31
Refunder Blunder, Part 30