(Due to the sheer volume of stock we have donated to our charity shop, only a small percentage of our bric-a-brac is on display. Customers know to ask us if they want something they can’t see.)

Older Gentleman: “Do you sell pipes?”

Me: “Pipes? Copper pipes? Wind pipes? Glass pipes?”

Older Gentleman: “Yes, pipes.” *mimes a smoking pipe*

Me: “Sir, we are a cancer charity; we will not sell anything to do with smoking.”

Older Gentleman: “Yes, that was a bit of a stupid question, wasn’t it?”

(I must admit it did make me giggle throughout the day.)

(England has just introduced a mandatory charge for carrier bags to larger businesses.)

Customer: *to my colleague* “This is ridiculous. Companies are just going to take advantage of this and it won’t make any difference.”

Me: “Actually, sir, the same law requires we donate all revenue, after VAT, to charity. We have our own foundation which donates to major charities, as well as taking submissions from lesser-known ones, so it is likely any revenue we make from bags will go to this. Furthermore, the charge reduced the use of bags in Wales to a fifth and has proven to be successful.”

(Both are in a stunned silence.)

Colleague: “Where did you learn that?”

Me: “[Variety Store] had huge posters next to the tills boasting the fact about Wales, and the charity point is on the cards warning about the charge.”

(The customer looked at the one I was pointing at, looking rather embarrassed.)

(I work at a popular toy store in my town, and the new collection of Star Wars toys just came out. The store is very busy today and we have run out of stock for a few items. Due to their pretty high price, we didn’t expect them to sell as quickly. Most people who want them are understanding, but there’s one customer who has become a regular, and a very unpopular one, at that. She always targets the new employees, it seems, never attacking the same employee twice. Sadly, I end up on that shift.)

Customer: “Do you have any more of the [out of stock toy]?”

Me: “I’m sorry. We ran out about an hour ago. We have another store in [City about four minutes away], or we will be getting a new shipment in tonight and you could pick it up tomorrow.”

Customer: “How dare you refuse me service?! It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I would not discriminate. The item is out of stock at this store. Again, you can—”

Customer: “You racist b****! How dare you?! I am going to get you fired!”

Me: “I do not see how I am—”

Customer: “Don’t you back talk me! Respect your elders, you racist b****!”

(I’m in a bit of a panic, not really sure what I am supposed to do or say. I reach for my walkie-talkie. I quickly realize that was a bad idea.)

Customer: “DON’T YOU DARE!” *the customer suddenly lunges at me* “DON’T YOU DARE ASSAULT ME WITH YOUR WEAPONS!”

(Luckily, an off duty cop was there to pick up a toy for his son. He pulled the woman off of me and arrested her right there. I was actually the first person attacked by her. I found out later she usually just screamed at the employee to the point of tears. Everyone still jokes about how I was taken down over a child’s toy, and how I ended up with a sprained wrist.)

(I’m in line to order behind three people: [Customer #1], [Customer #2], and [Customer #2]’s wife, [Customer #3]. [Customer #1] and [Customer #2] each step up, make their orders, and step back. They also both order the same combo. [Customer #1] ends up stepping away from the counter, causing [Customer #2] to pull ahead. The employee finishes the order and puts it on the line.)

Employee: “[Combo]!”

(As [Customer #1] steps up, [Customer #2] grabs the order.)

Employee: “No, sir. That’s his order.”

([Customer #2] ignores the employee and tries again to take the combo.)

Customer #1: “No, that one’s mine.”

Employee: “Please, sir, your order is coming.”

([Customer #3] steps in.)

Customer #3: “Honey, that’s the young man’s order. Ours is next.”

Customer #2: “He said [Combo]!”

(The wife grabs [Customer #2] by the arm and drags him back away from the counter.)

Customer #3: *to [Customer #1]* “Sorry about him. At times he’s not very bright. Enjoy your food.”

(When I get my order I still hear the couple arguing:)

Customer #3: “Our order is to go. That young man’s food was on a tray. How the hell were you going to carry it?”

(It is back before many lower-end stores started putting in credit card machines. Debit cards are sometimes referred to as “check cards.”)

Me: “That’ll be $10.60.”

(The customer hands me a debit card.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. We only take cash or check.”

Customer: “Yes. It’s a check card.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I’m afraid we don’t take debit cards.”

Customer: “You said you take checks.”

Me: “Yes, we do, but we don’t take debit cards.”

Customer: “This is a check card.”

Me: “Yes, but I’m afraid we have no way of processing cards.”

Customer: “It works the same as a check.”

Me: “The bank may process it like a check, but we have no way to process it at all.”

Customer: “The bank says it works like a check. It is a check card and you take checks!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t take cards of any kind. We only take cash and paper checks.”

Customer: “YOU SAID YOU TAKE CHECKS. THIS IS A CHECK CARD. YOU WILL TAKE MY CARD.”

Me: “A card requires some type of machine for us to swipe the card in. We have no way of doing that. I’m sorry, but you need to pay with either cash or a paper check.”

Customer: *stomps away while screaming* “IT’S A CHECK CARD! IT WORKS THE SAME AS A CHECK! THE BANK SAID SO!”