A Lesson In Latte Linguistics

| | Right | June 10, 2009

Customer: “I’d like a GRAHN-DAY coffee. ”

Me: “Anything else sir?”

Customer: “This isn’t a grande!”

Me: “You’re ordering using our competitor’s terms, sir. Their grande is our medium.”

Customer: “Grande! Grande! BIG! Don’t you speak Spanish?!”

Me:Si senor, hablo espanol. Quiere algo mas?”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “Didn’t you just ask if I spoke Spanish?”

Customer: “Whatever!” *pays for coffee and leaves*

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A Very Loose-Knit Family

| | Right | June 10, 2009

(I call a man from our waiting list and begin to take him to his table.)

Customer: “Wait, I’m going to eating with my wife and daughter. How are they going to find me?”

Me: “Oh, we have your name from the list, sir. We can send them on back when they arrive.”

Customer: “How are they going to know my name?”

Me: “Your wife and daughter don’t know your name?”

Customer: “No!”

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1-800-KRYPTON

| | Right | June 10, 2009

Me: “Dispatch, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I have an alarm going off.”

Me: “Okay, do you happen to have an account number?”

Caller: “No, I moved into this house five years ago and inherited the alarm system.”

Me: “Alright, address?”

Caller: *gives address*

Me: “Sir, I didn’t receive any notifications. Can you hold for a few minutes while I confirm with our other station?”

Caller: “I guess…”

(I call our other station, they tell me they have no record of the alarm.)

Me: “Sir?”

Caller: “Yes, yes, what?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Is the alarm still going off?”

Caller: “Yes, can’t you hear? Listen, I am a very important lawyer and I demand you turn this alarm off!”

Me: “Sir, our alarms reset in ten–”

Caller: “No, you listen to me, you little s***! I’d better not miss my meetings because you can’t turn off this alarm!”

(I hear the alarm getting louder and I’m pretty sure he can’t hear me, so…)

Me: “SON OF JOR-EL! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!”

(The alarm in the background shuts off.)

Caller: “Oh wow! Thank you! Thank you so much!”

Me: “No problem, sir!”

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Third Time’s (Not) A Charm

| | Right | June 9, 2009

(Our customers log calls in a queue, and we call them back in order of priority. This customer has a very low priority call, but is trying to jump the queue.)

Customer: “We can’t work here. Are you sure there’s nothing you can do?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, this really is a cosmetic issue. It shouldn’t get in the way of your work.”

Customer: “Even if we manage to send chocolate to the office? I’m sure that’ll help.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but of all the agents here, you’ve picked the one that’s alergic to chocolate.”

Customer: “D***. Well, how about a bottle of wine? Is that worth a few spots in the queue?”

Me: “I don’t drink. I’m sorry, ma’am, it’s not your lucky day.”

Customer: “Okay, you’ve driven me to it. I’m batting my eyelashes here! You really should see it. How about lunch next week?”

Me: “That’s three strikes, ma’am… I think my husband would complain if I started dating girls. Sorry, I’m gay.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “You’re not making any of this up, are you?”

Me: “We’ll have someone give you a call back when your call is next in the queue, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

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Fudge In Flight

| | Right | June 9, 2009

Customer: “This isnt a hot fudge sundae.”

Coworker: “No, it isn’t. I’m afraid we don’t make it with hot fudge here.”

Customer: “Then I’m not paying for it!”

Coworker: “I’m afraid you have to. The menu states that it’s not made with hot fudge.”

Customer: “FINE!” *throws the ice cream at my coworker*

Coworker: *covered with ice cream* “I’m suddenly glad we don’t have hot fudge.”

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